Resilient Muse

UP Centennial Digital Filmmaking Competition and UP Centennial Photo Contest

2008-06-12T07:53:00.000-07:00

This is a reminder to all students who will be submitting entries to the UP CENTENNIAL DIGITAL FILMMAKING COMPETITION as well as the UP CENTENNIAL PHOTO CONTEST.

Our pegged deadline extension of June 15 falls on a Sunday so the UPFI Centennial Committee decided to accept entries on JUNE 17 TUESDAY instead. Entries will be accepted at the UPFI Academic Division Office (College of Mass Communication) until 6:00 p.m. Leave your entries with the secretary, Fortune Mendiola, or the UPFI Academic Coordinator, Ms. Libay Cantor.

The forms for the photo and filmmaking contests are attached here.

The prizes for the contests are as follows:

Digital filmmaking:

First place --------- P 50,000.00
Second place -------- 30,000.00
Third place ---------- 20,000.00

Honorable mention (3) 5,000.00

Photography:

First Place P10,000

Second Place P7,000

Third Place P5,000

The competitions are open to ALL UP STUDENTS FROM ALL SYSTEMS / CAMPUSES.

For more info, check out www.upfilminstitute.multiply.com

O feeling mo na-gets mo, pero di ka sure?

2008-05-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

Bakit meron silang pinag-uusapan sa pelikula na hind mo naman nakita?

Pa'no nasabi nung isang writer sa dyaryo yun tungkol sa pelikula? Saan niya hinugot yun?

Marami ka bang comments at insights sa mga pinapanood mong pelikula?

Bakit hindi mo isulat?

Sige go, scroll down...LAST CALL NA ‘TO!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

WRITING ABOUT FILMS

We watch films whenever we can, for whatever possible reason – for relaxing after exams, as itinerary for barkada gimmicks or romantic dates, for academic requirements, for experiencing aesthetic pleasures, or merely for killing time. But how much of a given film do we really see when we watch? And how do we really know which specific parts of the film moved us to tears, or to anger, or to fall in love? In any given film experience, is there more than meets the eye? Are there other things at work in our experiences apart from the obvious?

Writing About Film is a workshop that seeks to introduce participants to the aesthetics of film and to prepare them to analytically and critically interact with any given film.

The workshop facilitator, Patrick F. Campos, is a film/literary scholar, and a faculty member of the UP Film Institute. He is also an award-winning independent filmmaker, a freelance writer, and a musician.

WRITING ABOUT FILMS: Film Appreciation for the Young

Facilitator: Patrick Campos

Dates: 19-23 May 2008

Time: 1:00pm - 5:00 pm

Venue: CMC A107b

Fee: P4,000.00 inclusive of light snacks, handouts and certificates

For inquiries, you may call us at the UPFI Cine Adarna, telephone numbers 9263640 / 92627222 (telefax), e-mail us at <upfi_workshops@ yahoo.com. ph > or <upfi.adarna@ gmail.com> , or visit our website <http://www.upd. edu.ph/~film_ institute/ workshop. html >.

O feeling mo na-gets mo, pero 'di ka sure?

2008-05-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Bakit meron silang pinag-uusapan sa pelikula na hind mo naman nakita?

Pa'no nasabi nung isang writer sa dyaryo yun tungkol sa pelikula? Saan niya hinugot yun?

Marami ka bang comments at insights sa mga pinapanood mong pelikula?

Bakit hindi mo isulat?

Sige go, scroll down...LAST CALL NA ‘TO!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _____

WRITING ABOUT FILMS

Writing About Film is a workshop that seeks to introduce participants to the aesthetics of film and to prepare them to analytically and critically interact with any given film.

WRITING ABOUT FILMS: Film Appreciation for the Young

Facilitator: Patrick Campos

Dates: 19-23 May 2008

Time: 1:00pm - 5:00 pm

Venue: CMC A107b

Fee: P4,000.00 inclusive of light snacks, handouts and certificates

Collective Memories, Translated Realities

2008-04-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

Collective Memories, Translated Realities:
The UPFI SUMMER 2008 MULTIMEDIA WORKSHOPS

The UP Film Institute (UPFI) announces the opening of its SUMMER 2008 Multimedia Workshops â€“ a series of short-term, specialized courses on the power of images and the various aspects of film and audiovisual production/exhibition.

The following courses will be offered.

1. ADVOCACY VIDEO : The Creative Process
Facilitator: Surf Reyes
Dates: 19-23 May 2008
Time: 10:00 am- 4:00 pm .
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

2. BASIC SCRIPTWRITING for Beginners
Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: April 8, 11, 15, 18, 22
Time: 1:00 â€“ 5:00 p.m.
Venue: A 107 a
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

3. INTERMEDIATE SCRIPTWRITING
Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: May 3, 10, 17, 24, 31

Time: 1:00 - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: A 107a
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

4. CINEMATOGRAPHY

Facilitator: Nap Jamir
Dates: Schedule tentative (please wait for further announcements)
Time: tentative
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 18,000 inclusive of 16mm film, processing, equipment use, light snacks, & certificates.

5. BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY
Facilitator: Vivian Limpin
Dates: April 28, 30, May 2, 5, 7, 9
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
Venue: A107b and Photolab
Fee: P 8,000, inclusive of B&W film, materials for developing, light snacks, & certificates.
Requirement: 35mm still camera

6. NON-LINEAR EDITING
Facilitator: Ramon Bautista
Dates: April 14- 16
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Post-Facility (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

7. DOCUMENTARY FILM PRODUCTION
Facilitator: Milo Paz
Dates: 12-16 May 2008

Time: 10am- 5pm
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 9,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

8. CURATING FOR CINEMA
Facilitator: Nonoy Lauzon
Dates: 21 May 2008 onwards (broken schedule, clas will decide when the next meeting will be)

Time: 2-5pm
Venue: UPFI Conference Room
Fee: P 4,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

9. EXPERIMENTAL FILM PRODUCTION

Facilitator: Sari Dalena

Dates: 21-25 April 2008

Time: 1pm-6pm

Venue: UPFI Post Facility

Fee: P 9,000.00 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts and certificates

10. SEMINAR ON QUEER CINEMA

Facilitator: Lorna Israel

Dates: 01- 05 May 2008

Time: 1:00-5:00 pm

Venue: UPFI Conference Room

Fee: P 4,000.00 inclusive of light snack, handouts and certificates

11. WRITING ABOUT FILMS: Classical Film Theory and Criticism

Facilitator: Patrick Campos

Dates: 21-25 April 2008

Time: 10am- 5:00pm

Venue: UPFI Conference Room

Fee: P 4,000.00 inclusive of light snacks, handouts and certificates

12. WRITING ABOUT FILMS: Film Appreciation for the Young

Facilitator: Patrick Campos

Dates: 19-23 May 2008

Time: 10 am- 5:00 pm

Venue: A107b

Fee: P4,000.00 inclusive of light snacks, handouts and certificates

13. ANIMATION FOR CHILDREN

Facilitator: Bryan Quesada and Teta Tulay

Dates: 28 April â€“ 02 May 2008

Time: 10am- 5:00pm

Venue: UPFI Post facility

Fee: P 6,000.00 inclusive of use of materials, light snacks, handouts and certificates

14. ANIMATION

Facilitator: Roxlee and Teta Tulay

Dates: 05 May- 14 May 2008

Time: 10:00am â€“ 5:00 pm

Venue: UPFI Post Facility

Fee: P 9,000.00 inclusive of use of materials, light snacks, handouts and certificates

15. DIGITAL IMAGING (Digital Photography with Photo Manipulation)

Facilitator: Bryan Quesada

Dates: 19-23 May 2008

Time: 10am-5pm

Venue: UPFI Post Facility

Fee: P 6,000.00 inclusive of use of materials, light snacks, handouts and certificates

16. Experimental Filmmaking with Kidlat Tahimik

April 28 May 5, 2008; Location: Baguio

Php 7,500 + 780 (fare)

Tentative:

DIRECTING with Carlitos Siguion-Reyna

May 5-9, 2008

Fee to be announced soon.

All workshops will be held at the facilities of the UPFI Cine Adarna or the College of Mass Communication ( Annex Building ), starting APRIL. Participants who enroll in and finish any of the courses will be given certificates of participation.

The UPFI is the country's first and only degree-granting film school, and it is the home of the first and longest-running production workshop series in the Philippines . The UPFI is a member of the International Association Schools of Film & Television (CILECT).

For inquiries, you may call us at the UPFI Cine Adarna, telephone numbers 9263640 / 92627222 (telefax), or mobile number 09156960875, e-mail us at <upfi_workshops@ yahoo.com. ph >, or visit our website <http://www.upd. edu.ph/~film_ institute/ workshop. html >.

REKORIDA

2008-03-04T17:09:00.000-08:00

REKORIDA (pangngalan) : distansiyang nilalakbay o dinadaanan kapag palagiang naglalakbay (UP Diksyonaryong Filipino, 2001)

Elipsis.

Kinalimutan na nga ba sila ng panahon?

Ang penomena ng migrasyon at diaspora ay di na lingid sa atin, ang sapilitang paglisan sa kinalakihang bayan dahil sa kakulangan ng oportunidad at kakayahang mamuhay nang matiwasay. Patuloy ang paglaki ng bilang ng mga kababaihang migrante bilang sektor ng manggagawa, mapa-lalawigan-lungsod o Pilipinas-ibang bansa man. At isa sa mga isyung kinakaharap ng isang diasporic na kababaihang manggagawa ay ang kakulangan ng mga batas ng bayang pinagmulan/bayang pinatunguhan, upang siya ay mabigyan ng proteksyon—proteksyon para sa kanyang sarili, identidad, kasarian, kasanayan.

Bilang isang pagpupugay sa mga sakripisyo, tungggalian at karahasang dinaanan, karanasan at tagumpay ng mga kababaihang migrante at manlilikha, inihahandog ng UP Film Institute ang REKORIDA: Isang Eksibit Para Sa/Ng Mga Kababaihang Manlilikha , mula ika-10 hanggang ika-25 ng Marso 2008, sa Ishmael Bernal Gallery, UP Diliman, sa pamumuno ni Bb. Vivian N. Limpin, isang multdisiplinaryang manlilikha.

Halina’t tunghayan at makibahagi sa paghabi ng [ka]saysay[an] ng ating mga kababaihang manlilikha, patunay na hindi sila kailanman, kayang kalimutan ng espasyo at panahon. Ang mga mag-eeksibit ay sina:

Alena

Grace Javier Alfonso

Tina Basco

Carol Bello

Laya Boquiren

Anne Marie De Guzman

Rovie dela Cruz

Aileen Familara

Avie Felix

Vivian N. Limpin

Marie Frances Madrid

Teta Tulay

Magbubukas ang eksibit sa ika-10 ng Marso, ala-6 ng gabi, sa Ishmael Bernal Gallery, UP Diliman. Bukas para sa publiko.

Para sa mga katanungan, mangyaring tumawag sa UP Film Institute sa: 926.36.40, 926.27.22 (telefax), 981.85.00 loc. 4286. O mag-email sa: upfi.adarna@gmail.com.

Black Women on the Silver Screen Film Festival

2008-03-01T13:39:00.000-08:00

UPFI and the Embassy of the United States of America
in cooperation with the Mayme A. Clayton Library and Museum
and the American Voices Inc.
are excited to present this rare chance of screening Hollywood classics
featuring legendary African-American women.

All films will be shown for free!
Screenings are at the Cine Adarna and Videotheque.

True blue film buffs and film enthusiasts shouldn't miss this rare chance of watching these films. They are here in the country as part of the collection of the Mayme A. Clayton Library.

Two days of cinema on civil rights, camp, curiosity and culture will feature these legendary African-American screen actresses from past to present. All have been icons in their own right.

See the following women on the silver screen and their films:

Josephine Baker (Zou Zou)
Nina Mae McKinney (Hallelujah)
Lena Horne (Stormy Weather)
Ethel Waters (Cabin in the Sky)
Cicely Tyson (Sounder)
Diana Ross (Mahogany)
Pam Grier (Coffy)
Angela Bassett (The Rosa Parks Story)
Halle Berry (Introducing Dorothy Dandridge)

A paper show exhibit will also be displayed at the Bernal Gallery (at the back of Cine Adarna, below the Videotheque).

The schedule of screenings is as follows:
[unless otherwise stated, screenings will be at the Cine Adarna main theater]

March .3 Monday

10am The Rosa Parks Story
1pm Mahogany
2:30pm Introducing Dorothy Dandridge (Videotheque)
4pm Coffy (Videotheque)
7pm Zou Zou

March 4 Tuesday

10am Sounder
1pm Hallelujah [part of the forum, venue to be confirmed]
4pm Cabin in the Sky
7pm Stormy Weather

UP Film Institute celebrates “Wandering, Wondering, Wonderful Women” at the 18th International Women Film Festival

2008-03-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

UP Film Institute in cooperation with Microdata, BusinessWorld, Globe and GMA Network pay homage to varied wandering, wondering, wonderful women as the institute celebrates the 18^th International Women’s Film Festival at the Cine Adarna at the University of the Philippines-Diliman from the 10^th – 13^th of March 2008.

UP Film Institute recognizes and sympathizes with the pains, sacrifices, negotiations and the victories that the diasporic woman encounters as the growing trend of feminization of the labor force all over the world, with the Philippines as the widest exporter of human labor, continue to affect womanity.

The film festival will showcase the best feature and short films by/for women from different parts of the globe. A festival highlight is Malaysian full-length film, handpicked by the 18^th IWFF committee, Tan Chui Mui’s Love Conquers All, which bagged first prizes from Pusan, Rotterdam and Hong Kong film festivals.

Fora on women and migration, with lectures by women and gender-sensitive directors such as Joyce Bernal, Khryss Adalia and Cathy Garcia-Molina as a highlight, explore discourses on film as a diasporic experience, filming the diasporic experience and the diasporic nomadic woman.

For the festival launch night, in recognition of her legacy as THE CONTRAVIDA of Philippine movies, the sole Diwata awardee is the irreplaceable Ms. Bella Flores. Ms. Flores has appeared in more than 100 movies since her career began as a 16-year-old lass in the early 1950s. Even today, no one parallels her iconic looks and acting wit.

Crafting the Diwata trophy is well-known sculptor, Ms. Lia Torralba, who blends together the images of leaf, woman, moon and vessel into her work.

Also for the launch night, to celebrate the role of young women artists and activists in promoting equity and equality for women UP Diliman University Student Council Chair (incoming Student Regent) Ms. Shahana Abdulwahid gives more significance to the festival with inspirational remarks. UP Open University Chancellor Grace Javier Alfonso and UPFI Director Anne Marie de Guzman provide the festival overview.

To complete the line up of events for the festival, women artists mount a multi-media exhibit entitled Rekorida at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery from March 10 to 25, to be curated by woman multidisciplinary artist Vivian N. Limpin.

The Festival is also presented by the University Student Council (UP Diliman), Quezon City Gender and Development Office, Trade Union Congress of the Philippines, Democratic Socialist Women of the Philippines, Center for Community Journalism and Development, Rep. Liza Masa (Gabriela Women’s Party), F177 Women in Cinema class of the UPFI, University Center for Women’s Studies, Embassy of Spain, Embassy of Israel, and the Environmental Broadcast Circle.

For inquiries and complete list of film screenings, fora, seminar, festival music concert, please call the UP Film Institute at: 926.36.40, 926.27.22 (telefax), 981.85.00 loc. 4286. Or email: upfi.adarna@gmail.com.

The 18^th International Women Film Festival: Wandering, Wondering, Wonderful Women opens on the 10^th of March 2008, 6:00pm, Cine Adarna, UP Film Institute, UP Diliman. Free admission.

The 18th International Women's Film Festival

2008-02-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

WANDERING, WONDERING WONDERFUL WOMEN

18^th International Women's Film Festival

10^th to 13^th March 2008

UP Film Institute

University of the Philippines Diliman, Quezon City

Presented by

The UP Film Institute, Businessworld & HerWord and GMA Network
FESTIVAL PARTNERS

Microdata Philippines

University Student Council, University of the Philippines, Diliman

Quezon City Gender and Development Office

Trade Union Congress of the Philippines

Democratic Socialist Women of the Philippines

Center for Community Journalism and Development

Rep. Liza Maza (Gabriela Women’s Party)

Gabriela National

F177 Women in Cinema class, UP Film Institute

University Center for Women’s Studies

Embassy of Israel

ABOUT THE FESTIVAL

Theme: WANDERING WONDERING WONDERFUL WOMEN

With the growing trend of feminization of labor migration all over the world, topped by the Philippines as the widest exporter of human labor, the UP Film Institute pays homage to Filipino women abroad. The 18^th International Women’s Film Festival (18^th IWFF) features women-directed films on Filipino women overseas and winning entries of the IWFF international short film competition as well.

A festival highlight is Malaysian full-length film-- handpicked by the 18^th IWFF committee-- Tan Chui Mui’s Love Conquers All , which bagged first prizes from Pusan, Rotterdam and Hong Kong film festivals.

Forums on women and migration, with lectures by women directors as a highlight, explore discourses on film as a diasporic experience, filming the diasporic experience and the diasporic nomadic woman.

For the festival launch night, in recognition of her legacy as THE CONTRAVIDA of Philippine movies, the sole Diwata awardee is the irreplaceable Ms. Bella Flores. Ms. Flores has appeared in more than 100 movies since her career began as a 16-year old lass in the early 1950s. Even today, no one parallels her iconic looks and acting wit.

Crafting the Diwata trophy is well-known sculptor Ms. Lia Torralba, who blends together the images of leaf, woman, moon and vessel into her work.

Also for the launch night, to celebrate the role of young women artists and activists in promoting equity and equality for women, multi-awarded actress Ms. Judy Ann Santos and UP Diliman University Student Council Chair (Incoming UP Student Regent) Ms. Shahana Abdulwahid give more significance the festival with inspirational remarks. UP Open University Chancellor Grace Javier Alfonso and Film Institute Director Anne Marie de Guzman provide the festival overview.

For the festival duration, women faculty of the UP Film Institute and other women artists mount a multi-media exhibit on SENSE AND WANDERING at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery for the whole month of March.

FESTIVAL LAUNCH

Special tribute and Diwata Award* given to Ms. Bella Flores. Featuring inspirational remarks by Judy Ann Santos and UP Student Regent Shahana Abdulwahid. 10 March/ 6:30 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Free Entrance

FESTIVAL FILMS

Winning Short Films

International Women’s Short Film Competition

10 March, 8:00 P.M.

(Cine Adarna)

Free Entrance

films by women

Don’t Give Up on Us (2006)

A control freak braves the mountain region to confront the man who may have snatched her brother’s fiancée. Director: Joyce Bernal. Starring Judy Ann Santos and Piolo Pascual. 10 March, 3:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna)

Entrance: 50 pesos only

Be Fruitful and Multiply

Presented by the Embassy of Israel and the University Center for Women’s Studies

Ultra-orthodox Jewish women in the United States and Israel contend with life as a continuing cycle of pregnancy, giving birth, nursing and nurturing. 10 March, 5:00 P.M. (forum follows screening) (Cine Adarna) Free Admission

One More Chance (2007)

The year’s highest-grossing homegrown romance tackles the tale of an engineer and a lady architect who’ve been sweethearts since college. Their affair heads for the crossroad when she resolves to try her independence. Director: Cathy Garcia-Molina. Starring John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo. 11 March, 3:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 50 pesos only

Milan (2004)

Love truly works in mysterious ways as a Pinay overseas worker in Italy is drawn to a man searching for his missing wife. Director: Olivia M. Lamasan. Starring Claudine Barretto and Piolo Pascual. 12 March, 5:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 50 pesos only

Love Conquers All

A rural girl in the big city is cheated into prostitution by the very man she falls for. Hailed as world cinema’s most celebrated film of late from a woman director! Directed by Tan Chui Mui. 12 March, 7:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 100 pesos only

Dubai (2005)

Pinoy brothers in Dubai fall for the same adorable woman.

Director: Rory B. Quintos. Starring Aga Muhlach, Claudine Barretto and John Lloyd Cruz. 13 March, 2:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 50 pesos only

Abadeha: The Filipina Cinderella (2007)

Cinderella gets to be Pinay set to neo-ethnic rock. Winner of Best Feature Film Debut—2007 New York International Independent Film and Video Festival. Director/Producer: Myrna D. dela Paz. 13 March, 5:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 130 pesos only

Care Home (2006)

Superstar Nora Aunor in another dramatic turn as a lonely caregiver in the United States with her own battle against malignant cancer. Director: Suzette Ranillo. Starring Nora Aunor, Gloria Sevilla and Divina Valencia. 13 March, 7:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 100 pesos only

tribute to Bella Flores

Philippine cinema’s perennial contravida get to be lead for once as this year’s sole Diwata Awardee for Lifetime Achievement. Tribute highlights two of the most unforgettable among her innumerable screen appearances: Young Love (1969). 12 March, 300P.M. (Videotheque) Entrance: 35 pesos only; Ilusyon (2005) 12 March, 5:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 50 pesos only

gender –sensitive films

Presented by the Quezon City Gender and Development Resource and Coordinating Office Program: Winners of Metro Manila Film Festival’s Most Gender-Sensitive Film Award of the last two years--

Kasal, Kasali, Kasalo (2006) Director: Jose Javier Reyes. Starring Judy Ann Santos and Ryan Agoncillo. 11 March, 5:00 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 50 pesos only

Desperadas (2008) Director: Joel Lamangan. Starring Ruffa Guiterrez, Rufa Mae Quinto, Iza Calzado and Marian Rivera. 11 March, 7:30 P.M. (Cine Adarna) Entrance: 50 pesos only

FORUMS

Film as a Diasporic Experience

Videotheque, 2^nd Floor of Bernal Gallery

11 March, 1:00-3:00 P.M.

Forum with screenings by the Democratic Socialist Women of the Philippines

11 March, 10:00 AM -12:00 PM

Cine Adarna UP Film Institute

Conversations with Women Filmmakers

Featuring Joyce Bernal, Khryss Adalia, Cathy Garcia-Molina, Olive Lamasan (tentative) and Rory Quintos (tentative)

12 March, 1:00-3:00 P.M.

Cine Adarna, UP Film Institute

Forum with screenings by the Center Community Journalism and Development

12 March, 10:00-12:00

Cine Adarna, UP Film Institute

Being ‘here’ and becoming ‘there’: The Diasporic Nomadic Woman

13 March, 1:00-3:00 P.M.

Videotheque, 2^nd Floor of Bernal Gallery

Forum with screenings by Gabriela National/Gabriela Women’s Party

13 March, 3:00-5:00 P.M.

Ishmael Bernal Gallery

FESTIVAL MUSIC CONCERTS

World Music Fusion with Cynthia Alexander

11 March/ 8:30 P.M.

Ishmael Bernal Gallery

Folk- World Music Beat of Bayang Barrios (with UP music bands)

12 March/ 8:30 P.M.

Ishmael Bernal Gallery

Young all-women band Engkantada and Tao Nono Aves with UP music bands

13 March/ 9:00 P.M.

Cinema Lobby and Courtyard

FILM SEMINAR

EXPLORATIONS ON THE DYNAMIC USES OF VIDEO FOR ADVOCACY

By Surf Reyes

10 March, 9:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.

Cine Adarna Theater

Fee: Php 200.00 only, inclusive of training materials and snacks

ART EXHIBIT

Women faculty of the UP Film Institute and other women artists mount a multimedia exhibit on SENSE AND WANDERING at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, curated by Vivian Limpin.

Grace Javier Alfonso

Tina Basco Vivian N. Limpin

Carol Bello Roselle Pineda

Anne Marie de Guzman Lia Torralba

Avie Felix Teta Tulay

Eloi Hernandez

Lorna Israel

for inquiries call 926-3640 or 926-2722.

Women Filmmakers' Night at Magnet Cafe Katipunan

2008-01-11T00:03:00.000-08:00

CineKatipunan invites you to the

Women Filmmakers’ Night

On Saturday, January 12, ’07, 5:30 in the afternoon

At Magnet Café, Agcor Bldg. Katipunan Ave. Q.C.

The following films will be featured:

Kunyang by Vivian N. Limpin & Ma. Kathrina S. Loreños

Mga Bagay Na May Pakpak by Katrin Escay and Moshe Ladanga

Para Sa Kabataan by Felinda Bagas

Vivian N. Limpin is a writer, photographer, theater lights designer, filmmaker, animator, painter, komiks creator, and performance artist.

Ma. Kathrina S. Loreños is a filmmaker, animator and cinematographer. She has received recognition for her other short video works.

Kunyang is a lyrical documentary on the lives of women migrant workers in Hong Kong, as told by them. They talk of their dreams, aspirations, hopes, struggles and fears. We hear different women voices talking of the same experience of wanting and working for a better life. The film cuts across issues of migration, family, economy, womanhood, politics, society and identity. The weaving of several vignettes and images makes us realize that the face of the domestic worker in Hong Kong is that of a Filipina.

Para Sa Kabataan tells the story of a school boy from a poor province and an injured a rebel with an important assignment to carry out. An unlikely camaraderie - kindled by their common knowledge of a poem by Jose Rizal – forms between the two. They soon find out, however, that one’s task goes against the other’s, that one’s hopes is against the other’s ideologies.

And only one of them will survive in the crossfire.

Felinda Bagas studied film and audio visual communication at the University of the Philippines and is presently a scriptwriter for television. Among her recent projects are “It Might Be You” (Star Awards Best TV Series for 2004) and “Vietnam Rose”. Her first short film, “She”, was screened locally and internationally and won honorable mention at the 12^th Gawad CCP for Alternative Films in 1999. “Para Sa Kabataan” (For The Children) is her first short film in eight years.

Mga Bagay na May Pakpak is an experimental work which presents two different films at a time. The parallel construction suggests an introspection of the process of filmmaking and film-viewing, of how meanings are constructed, reconstructed and deconstructed by a simple change in structure and the manner of presenting images.

Also a graduate of film at the UPFI, Katrin Maria Escay is an award-winning filmmaker. Her works are known to be explorative and consistent with her beyond-the-brick ideas and which had gained her several recognitions from Gawad CCP and Animagination. Katrin currently pursues further studies in film in London.

Moshe Ladanga, also a graduate from the UPFI, is famous for his excellent cinematography. His cinematography has been recognized locally and internationally. His animation “Itong Mga Pakpak” was featured in the 1998 Animation Fiesta in Singapore. Moshe also continues his film education in London.

Women Filmmakers' Night at Magnet Cafe Katipunan

2008-01-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

CineKatipunan invites you to the

Women Filmmakers’ Night

On Saturday, January 12, ’07, 5:30 in the afternoon

At Magnet Café, Agcor Bldg. Katipunan Ave. Q.C.

The following films will be featured:

Kunyang by Vivian N. Limpin & Ma. Kathrina S. Loreños

Mga Bagay Na May Pakpak by Katrin Escay and Moshe Ladanga

Para Sa Kabataan by Felinda Bagas

Vivian N. Limpin is a writer, photographer, theater lights designer, filmmaker, animator, painter, komiks creator, and performance artist.

Ma. Kathrina S. Loreños is a filmmaker, animator and cinematographer. She has received recognition for her other short video works.

And only one of them will survive in the crossfire.

Tamod

2007-12-17T22:45:00.000-08:00

napapanis.
nabubulok.
nagkakaong.

pinupunasan, hinuhugasan, tinatapon pagkatapos.

kasi nga...
tamod lang.

Para Kay Sir Monico at Sir Rene

2007-12-05T03:48:00.000-08:00

Masakit din palang magpaalam sa mga taong hindi mo man kapamilya o kamag-anak, sila namang pinanggalingan ng mga tanong-sagot-paliwanag mo sa mundo.

Si Sir Atienza, isang beses ko lang nakakwentuhan. Five years ago dumalo siya sa critics’ night ng isang play kung saan isa ako sa mga artista. Grabe, dun ko unang naintindihan kung ano ang ‘deconstruction’. At noon lang ako nakakita ng taong naghuhumiyaw ang passion. Ako din ang nagchoreograph nung movements sa dulang yun. Sabi niya sa akin maganda daw ang pagkakabuo ko ng mga imahen, tamang-tama daw at naipaabot ang mensahe in a nutshell. Natuwa ako syempre at simula noon, pinag-iisipan ko na lahat ng ginagawa ko, sayaw man o kung anu man. Tuwing nakakasalubong ko siya, kahit gaano pa ako kangarag, talagang ngingiti’t ngingiti ako with matching good morning/afternoon/evening. Isang beses din narinig ko siyang magbigay ng talk sa ACLE. Halos pumutok ang utak ko, nahilo ako sa kaalaman, sa sumasabog na passion at pag-ibig sa kapwa, sa bayan. Ibang klase siyang tao.

Si Sir Rene naman, hindi ko nakasalamuha sa totoong buhay. Nag-enrol ako sa class niya dati pero nagkaconflict sa sched kaya nagpalit ako ng class. Pero lahat ng libro niya, binili ko. Pinakapaborito ko ang “Impersonal”. Kahit hindi kami magkakilala, guro ko siya; araw-araw akong natututo sa mga naisulat niya. Pati nga children’s books na sinulat niya binili ko lahat ng makita ko. Kako kasi kung siya ang nagsulat sigurado may matututunan ang anak ko. Gabi-gabi kasama sa ritwal naming ni Maya ang mga akdang pambata niya.

Sa kanilang dalawa, abot langit ang respeto at paghanga ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko pag nag-aral ako ulit papasok ako sa mga klase nila. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, baling araw, ito ang mga taong gusto kong makausap at mapasalamatan sa dami ng naitulong nila sa akin kahit hindi pa man kami nagkakasama. Pero hindi na pwede. Nagpaalam na sila.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito kabigat ang pakiramdam. Pero pipilitin kong mapanatiling buhay ang kanilang mga adhikain, sa abot ng aking makakaya.

Paalam po mga Sir.

Nine-Eleven on 12-10

2007-12-03T05:05:00.000-08:00

Nine-Eleven, a meta-narrative of the Sept. 11 tragedy, retells a story of terrorism, espionage, politics, technology, and social condition in one thrilling, unpredictable and exciting film. Starring the legendary Eddie Garcia with Dennis Roldan, Maricar De Mesa and other promising actors, Nine-Eleven is out to stimulate the imagination and inquisitiveness of the audience.

Catch Nine-Eleven at SM Megamall Cinema 10 on the 10^th of December, 2007. Tickets available at all TicketNet outlets. For reservations, contact 0917-5685939.

Nine-Eleven, a film by John Christian Reyes and Jorge Isaac, is brought to you by Cube Production Phils, MMG Entertainment Production, SM Cinema, and TicketNet.

How do we deal with darkness?

2007-11-15T04:37:00.000-08:00

When once-white canvases succeed to show images of ourselves, our lives and our society, we admire the likenesses and explore the distortions. But how much of ourselves could we actually see from a reversed take-off point? This time, we are invited to engage into a recollection of our realities through looking at, in and from the dark.

PUSIKIT, an exhibition of paintings created from black canvases by artist Vivian N. Limpin, will open on Tuesday, Nov. 20, 6:00 in the evening, at the Conspiracy Bar, Visayas Avenue.

Photography Workshop at UPFI

2007-10-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

Black & White Photography is a workshop that introduces students to the basics of photography. It aims to give participants a background on the principles and aesthetics of photography, including camera control, framing & composition, developing & darkroom printing, and more. B&W photography is foundational to the technical and creative aspects of filmmaking and other visual media.

Vivian Limpin, the workshop facilitator, is a well-rounded artist: a published poet, fictionist, and playwright; a cinematographer and production designer for many independent films; a visual artist and animator; an award-winning documentary filmmaker; and a photographer. As an artistic photographer, she has exhibited her works in more than 30 group and solo shows. She is also a lecturer at the UP Film Institute.

BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY
Facilitator: Vivian Limpin
Dates: October 22-26 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UP CMC A-107A
Fee: P 7,500, inclusive of B&W stocks, materials for developing & printing, light snacks, and certificates.

Requirement: 35mm still camera

For those who are interested, download the attached reservation form and send to upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph or fax to 926-2722 as soon as possible. You may also send SMS to 09175685939. There are only 5 slots left so hurry and register now!

Scriptwriting Workshop this Saturday!

2007-10-11T06:57:00.000-07:00

The UP Film Institute invites you to join the

BASIC SCRIPTWRITING WORKSHOP

Film viewing does not only give us momentary switches of emotions, but also allows us to explore our creativity, to engage in a fictional world and interact with characters who somehow serve as shadows of ourselves. Oftentimes, we find ourselves imagining our favorite characters in different situations; all the what-ifs and whatnots trail our creative minds. Sometimes we even wonder… what if we give life to the one character we have always been thinking about? Or play God and create new worlds? Or better yet, write a script that a filmmaker may actual translate on screen?

Basic Scriptwriting: Visualizing from Scratch is a workshop intended for the absolute beginner, who has no background whatsoever in film, writing, or media, but who wants to discover the possibilities of scriptwriting. It introduces participants to the "real basics" of writing for film, from the "translation" of written-abstract concepts into visual-moving images (and vice versa – translation of perceived cinematic images into the written word), to a hands-on discovery of the essential concepts and components of a script that works.

The workshop facilitator, Libay Linsangan Cantor, is a faculty member of the UP Film Institute, teaching courses like Scriptwriting and Language and Grammar of Film. An experienced TV scriptwriter of children's educational shows, she has garnered local & international awards for her full-length screenplay, photography, and video productions, and has received a Palanca-award for her literary work. She also directs for TV.

Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: October 13, 20, 27, Nov. 3, & 10 (Saturdays)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

For those who are interested, send SMS to 0917-5685939. We only have a couple of slots left so please make reservations the soonest possible. You may also accomplish the reservation form attached in this message then send it back upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph. Payments shall be made before the start of the workshop.

SALIDUMAY (a benefit night with Pinikpikan, music workshops, atbp.)

2007-10-04T08:38:00.000-07:00

Panoorin ang Pinikpikan, si Carol Bello, ang Engkantada (all-female group), si Cynthia Alexander, si Bayang Barrios, at marami pang iba.

Matuto ng chanting at basics ng Cordilleran instruments sa isang minsanang pagkakataon. Ang mga workshop na ito ay ibabahagi nina Carol Bello, Mcwest Bello at Diego Lazo.

Chants: Oggayam, Salimdumay, Collepan, Ading
Instruments: Flute (paldong), Suklit, Tungatong, Kulittong, Balimbing

at higit sa lahat....

makatulong sa isang cancer patient sa isang gabi ng musika at workshop, ang...

SALIDUMAY, a benefit night

sa October 12, 6pm sa Ishmael Bernal Gallery sa UP Film Institute.

Sa halagang 100 pesos, nag-enjoy ka na, natuto pa at nakasagip ng buhay.

Magkita-kita tayo sa SALIDUMAY mga kapatid.

Para sa mga katanungan, contact 09175685939.

Catch The Dawn at Friday Film Bar

2007-09-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

The Dawn, the renowned band led by Jet Pangan, will be playing at 2007 Friday Film Bar Series closing night on October 5, 6:30pm at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, UP Film Institute (former Film Center)

The following films will also be shown.

"Tulad ng Dati" by Mike Sandejas
"One-Man Show" by Glenn Ituriaga and Dohna Sarmiento

Free flowing coffee and iced tea. Freebies etc.

tickets for only 80 pesos. for reservations, please contact 0917-5685939.

Calling All Future Scriptwriters

2007-09-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

UPFI invites you to Basic Scriptwriting: Visualizing from Scratch, a workshop intended for the absolute beginner, who has no background whatsoever in film, writing, or media, but who wants to discover the possibilities of scriptwriting. It introduces participants to the "real basics" of writing for film, from the "translation" of written-abstract concepts into visual-moving images (and vice versa – translation of perceived cinematic images into the written word), to a hands-on discovery of the essential concepts and components of a script that works.

BASIC SCRIPTWRITING
Dates: October 13, 20, 27; November 3, 10 (Saturdays)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

For inquiries, call 926-6340/920-6863, look for Avie Felix or Mr. Patrick Campos.
You may also send SMS to 09175685939 (AF) or email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph

Maraming ka bang comments at insights sa mga napapanood mong pelikula?

2007-09-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

Bakit hindi mo isulat?

Ahhh... takot ka baka ma-chaka ka ng iba? Baka sabihin kasi nila wala kang alam noh?

No prob dude. Pwede mong malaman lahat ng teknikalidad at mga ismo-ismo.

Sige go, scroll down...
_____________________________________________________

WRITING ABOUT FILMS

Writing About Film is a workshop that seeks to introduce participants to the aesthetics of film and to prepare them to analytically interact with any given film. Its aim is to survey the fundamental formal aspects of film, which constitute it as an art form. Furthermore, it seeks to introduce participants to the basic narrative, technical, and stylistic qualities and conventions of cinema, all considered within specific historical, cultural, and sociopolitical contexts.

The workshop facilitator, Patrick F. Campos, is a film/literary scholar, and a faculty member of the UP Film Institute, teaching courses such as Philippine Cinema, Language and Grammar of Film, Film Genres, and Film Theory and Criticism. He is currently the director of UPFI’s multimedia workshops. He is also an award-winning independent filmmaker, a freelance writer, and a musical scorer.

Writing About Film is part of the UPFI Extension program's thrust of developing film literacy among Filipino audiences and of invigorating Philippine film cultures. The workshop is open to all participants, who are pursuing careers in film and its allied media, who desire to eventually go into film studies, or who simply want to enrich their movie-watching experiences.

The UP Film Institute is the country's first and only degree-granting film school, and it is the home of the first and longest-running production workshop series in the

Philippines

. The UPFI is a member of the International Association Schools of Film & Television (CILECT).

Dates: October 8-12
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

For inquiries, email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph or send SMS to 09175685939. You may also call 926-2722, look for Avie Felix or Patrick Campos.

Marami ka bang comments at insights sa mga pinapanood mong pelikula?

2007-09-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

Bakit hindi mo isulat?

Ahhh... takot ka baka ma-chaka ka ng iba? Baka sabihin kasi nila wala kang alam noh?

No prob dude. Pwede mong malaman lahat ng teknikalidad.

Sige go, scroll down...
_____________________________________________________

WRITING ABOUT FILMS

The UP Film Institute is the country's first and only degree-granting film school, and it is the home of the first and longest-running production workshop series in the Philippines. The UPFI is a member of the International Association Schools of Film & Television (CILECT).

For inquiries, email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph or send SMS to 09175685939. You may also call 926-2722, look for Avie Felix or Patrick Campos.

UPFI 2007 Sembreak Multimedia Workshops

2007-09-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

Learn from the most prolific and respectable scholars, artists and film-makers.

Discover what it takes to be one of the best in the field of film-making.

Have an edge.

The UP Film Institute invites everyone to its 2007 Sembreak Multimedia Workshops.

1. WRITING ABOUT FILMS
Facilitator: Patrick Campos
Dates: October 8-12
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

2. BASIC SCRIPTWRITING
Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: October 8, 10, 12, 15, 17, & 19 (MWF)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

3. INTERMEDIATE SCRIPTWRITING
Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: TBA (Saturdays)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

4. SOUND AND MUSIC DESIGN: Indigenous Filipino Music and World Chants
Facilitator: Carol Bello
Dates: October 15-19 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Post-Facility (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 8,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

5. CINEMATOGRAPHY (Celluloid with Digital, leading to a 16mm Output) /in cooperation with KODAK

Facilitator: Nap Jamir
Dates: October 22-26 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 15,000 inclusive of 16mm film stock & processing, use of equipment, light snacks, and certificates.

6. BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY
Facilitator: Vivian Limpin
Dates: October 22-26 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UP CMC A-107A
Fee: P 7,500, inclusive of B&W stocks, materials for developing & printing, light snacks, and certificates.

Requirement: 35mm still camera

7. NON-LINEAR EDITING
Facilitator: Ramon Bautista (with UPFI Trainers)
Dates: November 5-7 (Monday to Wednesday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Post-Facility (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

8. DOCUMENTARY PRODUCTION

Facilitator: Milo Paz
Dates: November 5-9 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 am - 6:00 pm
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 8,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

9. CURATING FILM AND VIDEO EVENTS

Facilitator: Nonoy Lauzon
Dates: December to January (Dates & Time TBA)
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

(Discounts granted to early enrollees and multiple workshop enrollees.)

For inquiries, call 926-6340/920-6863, look for Avie Felix or Mr. Patrick Campos.
You may also send SMS to 09175685939 (AF) or email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph

Women and Poverty

2007-08-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

"...women’s responsibility of child bearing and rearing, household management, and productive activities which give mounting pressures on their time and energy, have significant consequences for human resource development, agricultural productivity, and environmental sustainability. The risk of poverty is therefore greater for women than men. Thus, the sex of household head may be considered as a proxy variable for poverty. If a family is headed by a male, there is a prospect of higher income due to more time devoted to economic activities compared to a female-headed household whose responsibilities cover both economic and domestic functions. And if the risk is greater for women then the vicious cycle of poverty continuous as well as on the reliance and pressure on natural resources. Therefore, the higher the percentage of the community headed by a female, the higher is their pressure index to biodiversity."

I have angsts, too many angsts about domesticity and economic responsibilities. But, of course in performing both male and female duties (no matter how much i want to debunk these dualities, I'm just domestic superhero and nothing more), i don't have time to dwell on the angsts even if at times i almost drown on them.

If you're utterly domesticated and obliged to earn, then you read these kinds of scholarly stuff, what are you to feel?

Catch Pinikpikan this Friday at 2nd Friday Film Bar!

2007-08-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

Pinikpikan, the country’s highly acclaimed world-fusion band, will grace the Friday Film Bar (FFB) this coming Friday, August 17, 2007 at 6:30 in the evening. Pinikpikan’s music is an explorative mixture of rhythms, instruments and melodies from north to south of the Philippine archipelago fused with Latin American, African and Arab influences. The band’s performance will be witnessed alongside a screening of the 2006 film “In Da Red Korner”, by Dado Lumibao and Bong Ramos. The film’s musical score showcases Pinikpikan’s music.

Pinikpikan supports the FFB project of the University of the Philippines Film Institute (UPFI) as it sees the innovative vision of the event series to be an avenue for better and substantial experience in film viewing through incorporating musical performances and other art forms.

FFB, supported by the New Zealand Embassy and Cordillera Coffee, is held every Friday at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery of UPFI (formerly UP Film Center). The FBB theme in August 17 is Against the Flow which is intended to highlight alternative perspectives in art practice and film creations. Tey Clamor’s award-winning experimental short film “Sakdal Laya” will also be featured.

For ticket inquiries, reservations and information on FFB schedule, feel free to contact fridayfilmbar@gmail.com or mobile nos. 09175685939 / 09164081550, or log on to www.upd.edu.ph/~film_institute. Tickets are available at Php 80 only with free bottomless coffee or tea.

Ca

2007-08-14T00:29:00.000-07:00

Catch Pinikpikan this Friday at 2nd Friday Film Bar!

2007-08-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

Catch Pinikpikan this Friday at 2nd Friday Film Bar!

2007-08-14T00:12:00.000-07:00

For ticket inquiries, reservations and information on FFB schedule, feel free to contact avie33@yahoo.com or mobile nos. 09175685939 / 09194906569, or log on to www.upd.edu.ph/~film_institute. Tickets are available at Php 80 only with free bottomless coffee or tea.

love coffee? love feature films? love short films? love live music performances?

2007-08-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

you'll get all that in one night, all for only 80 pesos! show starts at around 6:30pm at the Bernal Gallery side of UPFI Cine Adarna (formerly UP Film Center) in Diliman, Quezon City.

come to the launch of UP Film Institute's first semester event called the FRIDAY FILM BAR (FFB). every friday of this first semester (aug sept til oct 1st week) will have different sets of stimuli for the senses.

...smell the aroma of free endless refill coffee from the coffee bar courtesy of Cordillera Coffee...
...watch the 20-minuter works of outstanding UPFI film students...
...watch classic cinematic works from the best of Philippine cinema...
...listen to groove-inducing and thought-provoking music of veteran contemporary alternative musicians...

...all for 80 pesos!

For inquiries, send email to avie33@yahoo.com or text 09175685939 / 09194906569

----------------------------------------------------
August 10 | 6:30 PM (Launch Night)
------------------------------

----------------------
THEME: Roots and Identity.

Featured Performer: Sammy Asuncion (of world music fusion group Pinikpikan and blues-funk group Spy)

Rock-blues-jazz- reggae-world icon and veteran musician Asuncion shows off a rare moment with the Hegalong (Kuglong), a Filipino indigenous instrument of his hometown of Bukidnon in Mindanao. Budeths Casinto plays the Debakan (Mindanao indigenous drum)

Student short film: "Gabon" (2006)

Directed by Emman dela Cruz, winner of the Best Directing (Short Film) award at the recent 2007 Cinemalaya Independent Film Festival. Set in a rural Muslim environment , Gabon (The Cloud) intends to tackle the purity of a Maranao child's love to her parents as manifested in her desire to fulfill her duties, even after life.

Featured Film: "Badjao" (1957)

Directed by National Artist Lamberto Avellana, a classic of Philippine cinema starring Rosa Rosal and Leroy Salvador in a love story set amidst the sea-dwelling indigenous group based south of the Philippines.

I am Monet!

2007-07-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

What famous artist are you?

You're Monet!! Fuzzy and romantic, your art is destined to hang on every college freshman girls' dorm room wall until the end of time.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Concert. Coffee. Cinema -- three in one!

2007-07-20T07:35:00.000-07:00

An invite to:
Friday Film Bar (FFB)
Concert. Coffee. Cinema.
Fridays are cozy music and film viewing nights at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, Cine Adarna, UP Film Institute, Diliman. Indulge in live music, free viewing of films by local and foreign filmmakers as well as
selected works by students UP and other schools, and an open jam. Entrance fee of 80.00 pesos gives you a free drink (coffee or iced tea).
============ ==

FFB series is on Fridays of August 10 to October 5 at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, UP
Film Institute, Cine Adarna, UP Campus, Diliman, Quezon City.

All shows start at 630 p.m. Entrance of 80 pesos gives you a free drink
(coffee or iced tea). There will be free film viewings and an open jam.

August 10 | 6:30 PM
(Launch Night)
THEME: Roots and Identity.
Featured Film: Badjao (1957)Directed by National ArtistLamberto Avellana. Starring Rosa Rosal, Leroy Salvador. Performer: Sammy Asuncion.
Rock-blues-jazz- reggae-world icon Asuncion shows off a rare moment
with the Hegalong (Kuglong), a Filipino indigenous instrument of his
hometown of Bukidnon in Mindanao .

August 17 | 6:30 PM
THEME: Against the Flow
Featured Film: In the Red Korner (2006) A film by Dado C. Lumibao and Bong Ramos. The film is about Doring, a 24-year old girl who is engaged in a sport that is not common to Filipino women—boxing. Featured Performer: Pinikpikan. The
band, whose songs were used for the music score of the featured film,
livens up the Film Bar night with Filipino world music that combines
rhythms, instruments and melodies from north to south of the Philippine
archipelago fused with the music of Latin America, Africa and Arab
nations. Hailed as the ‘uncommercialized’ pioneer of
Filipino brand of world-fusion music in the country, Pinikpikan has its own cult following especially among the artists, art lovers, intellectuals and young professionals.

August 24 | 630pm
THEME: Face to Face with our Dark Side
Featured Film:
Manila By Night (1980). Directed by National Artist Ishmael Bernal.
Manila by Night is considered one of Philippine Cinema's best works.
Recognized locally and abroad, it probes the city's depravity and
exposes its strangeness through a string of characters played by the
most competent actors of its time. Featured Performer: Agaw Agimat. The alternative/ punk band Agaw Agimat had been known for over a decade for their politically- themed anthems that challenge listeners and clamor for change.

August 31 | 630 PM
THEME: Urban Angst and the Search for Hope
Featured Film: Maynila sa Kuko ng Liwanag (1975) Directed by National Artist Lino O. Brocka. Maynila…
is the tragic story of a small-town fisherman who went to the big city
to search for his sweetheart, and in the process, loses his innocence
and humanity. Featured Performer: Heber Bartolome. Heber Bartolome is the voice of the legendary protest folk-rock band Banyuhay. An advocate for change and reform, Heber sang about the truth. But his songs were always
hopeful

September 7 | 630 PM THEME: Buhay Kolehiyo
Featured Film: Batch '81 (1982) Directed by Mike de Leon
Batch
'81 examines the lives of seven neophytes as they strive to enter a
fraternity through a difficult hazing process. The entire experience is
seen through the eyes of Sid Lucero, one of the neophytes. Featured
Performer: Kontra-Gapi. Kontragapi
is ntemporaryong Gamelan Pilipino composed of UP college students. Led
by Professor Edru Abraham, the group has been representing the
University and the country in local and international events,
showcasing music, dances and chants uniquely Filipino and Kontragapi.

September 14 | 630 PM
THEME: Shaman and Babaylan
Featured Film: Perfumed Nightmare (1977) A film by Kidlat Tahimik.
Kidlat Tahimik, is a Filipino filmmaker and shaman who applies his quiet strength and sharp wit to his first feature film, Mababangong Bangungot
(Perfumed Nightmare). The film was the winner of the FIPRESCI Prize,
Interfilm Award, and the OCIC Award at the Forum of New Cinema, 1977
Berlin International Film Festival. Featured Performer: Bayang Barrios. Award-winning folk/world rock singer/composer Bayang Barrios is a favorite among women’s rights advocates as well as students
and young professionals.

September 21| 630 PM
THEME: (Con)fusions and Reconciliations Featured Film: Todo Todo Teros (2006)
by John Torres. This is an experimental film about an artist who wakes
up one night to discover that he is a terrorist. He is sent abroad to
bomb subways. The film was a winner of the Dragons and Tigers Award at the 2006 Vancouver International Film Festival. Featured Performer: Cynthia Alexander is
a multi-awarded independent Filipino singer-songwriter and
multi-instrumentali st. Well known and respected for her versatility
and fusion of music styles, she exemplifies the music of
reconciliations and peace among nations.

September 28 | 630PM
THEME: Experiencial- Experimental Night:Pangalay sa Magpakailanman
Feature Films: ang Magpakailanman (1982) and Anino (2000). Ang Magpakailanman, Raymond
Red’s first short film masterpiece, was cited in the 1986 Urian
Anthology as a film that should not be missed. The film, Anino, was Best Short Film winner at the Festival International du Film 2000. Featured Performer: Ligaya
Fernando Amilbangsa and the Alun-Alun Dance Circle . A
very special night of film and dance fusion with Ligaya Fernando
Amilbangsa, the moving force behind the preservation of the Sulu
archipelago dance, Pangalay. Experience an awe-inspiring, flowing and meditative multi-art performance as Ligaya and her Alun-Alun Dance Circle weaves in and out of Raymond Red’s Ang Magpakailanman.

October 5 |
630 PM
THEME: Buhay Banda, Parang Artista
Featured Film: Tulad ng Dati (2006) by Mike Sandejas.Tulad ng Dati
(Cinemalaya’s Best Picture) follows imaginary exploits of the Filipino
rock band, The Dawn. It revolves around the character of Jett Pangan
who is nearing his forties. Jett, losing his passion for music and
life, entertains thoughts of retiring from the band. Featured
Performer: The Dawn. The Dawn is a Filipino rock band, which gained
popularity during the late 1980s in the Philippines . The band broke up in 1995 but reunited in late 1999.

++++++++++++
Ishmael Bernal Gallery is at the Cine Adarna Theater, UP Film Institute, UP Campus, Diliman, Quezon City .
For inquiries, send email to
fridayfilmbar@ gmail.com
or text 09164081550.

Discovering Me

2007-07-18T10:34:00.000-07:00

When hungry, you drink. When drunk, you bake.

When sick, you sleep. When ‘sick’, you curse.

When fat, you stay home. When you stay home, you think of going out.

When broke, you buy shoes. When "broke", you work hard.

When irritated, you blog. When oblivious, you shout.

When in-love, you float. When horny, you watch cartoons.

When awake, you dream. When you dream, you wake up.

When you lose a friend, you eat. When you go out with a friend, you save money.

When you have unpaid bills, you buy three electric fans.

When it’s 6am and you have a 9am, you smoke.

Isang byaheng puno ng realisasyon

2007-07-06T06:22:00.000-07:00

Dati-rati ‘pag nakikipagbunuan ako sa bus na byaheng Leveriza-San Mateo, haggardia ever ako. Lagi kong winiwish noon na sana yumaman ako, magkaroon ng sasakyan o kahit man lang perang pang-taxi araw-araw. Noong mga panahong iyon wala akong ibang pinangarap kung hindi magkapera, kumita nang buwanan at masuportahan ang luho at pangangailangan. Akala ko kasi noon kaya kong gawin lahat para lang magkapera.

Nung namalagi na ko sa Makati, araw-araw de-aircon ang transportasyon, malamig ang opisina, ramdam na ramdam ko ang urbanidad. Sa tuwing tinatahak ko yung kahabaan ng Greenbelt, bumubungad sa akin ang mga magagandang damit, magagandang sapatos, mga latest gadgets. Lahat ng tao may aura ng alta sociedad. Kapeng singhalaga ng ulam sa maghapon, dessert na singhalaga ng isang linggong grocery, mga make-up na inaangkat pa sa Paris, mga sapatos na kasing-mahal na ng edukasyon sa UP – lahat yun araw-araw kong ka-hi-hello. May iba akong nabili, pero karamihan nakangitian ko lang.

Isa’t kalahating taon akong nagpaka-feeling at home sa urbanidad. Akala ko kaibigan ko ang mga naglalakihang building at naghuhumiyaw na headlights ng mga naggagaraang sasakyan. Pero sa totoo lang, niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Isa’t kalahating taon akong lumutang-lutang sa hindi ma-define na mundong iyon. Lahat ng tao parang mga maliliit na isdang nakikipaglaban sa agos. Napakabilis ng agos, nakakapagpalimot ng mga kinagisnang prinsipyo, ng mga orihinal na pangarap. Nag-role play ako. Akala ko kasi cool naman i-try maging karakter sa pop films. Tipong mala-Sex and the City ang drama. Pero mali. Nakakapagod mag-role play. Nakakaubos ng enerhiya.

Kanina sumakay ako ulit ng bus papuntang Ligaya. Nagulat ako sa naramdaman kong excitement nung natatanaw ko na yung orange na bus. Sa malayo pa lang naaninag ko na na puno na yung bus, pero sumugod pa rin ako. Parang na-miss ko tumayo sa bus. Pagkasakay ko, humarurot na yung bus. May isang manong inalok sa akin yung upuan niya. Kako hindi na hanggang Ligaya lang naman ako. Sobrang bilis nung bus. Sobrang yanig kasi naman 1960s pa yata tinapon dito ng mga hapon yung mga bus na bumabiyahe dun. Nasundot pa ng buhok ko yung mata ko. Pero sa totoo lang… nung mga sandaling iyon, para akong naka-shabu sa sobrang high. High sa sobrang sarap ng pakiramdam.

Binalanse ko ang sarili ko habang nakakapit sa kalawanging tubo. Dikit-dikit kaming mga pasahero. Lahat mukhang pagod na pagod. Lahat mukhang gutom na gutom. Lahat mukhang may mga dinadalang problema. Nakita ko pa sa bandang dulo ng bus si Ate J, yung isang clerk sa AS 101. Naisip ko, ganun pala ang binubuno niya sa araw-araw para lang magtrabaho sa unibersidad at sumweldo ng kakarampot.

Yung ibang mga pasahero may mga dala-dala pang mga bagahe at paninda. Grabe ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ng mga taong iyon para lang kumita. Samantala sa kabilang dako lang na Metro Manila, gumagastos ng daan-daan ang mga isda para sa lang sa isang basong kape.

Napangiti ako. Hindi ko na inalala kung ano ang amoy ko dala ng pinaghalu-halong amoy sa bus. Sa tingin ko, doon sa bus habang nakatayo ako at bigat na bigat sa napakalaki kong bag, mas buo ako.

Isang jeep matapos ang bus ride, bumaba ako at tinunton ang terminal ng tricycle papuntang libis. Sa Eastwood kasi ang punta ko, pero ayokong magtaxi. Kung tutuusin 15 mins. lang nasa Eastwood na ako via cab pero mas ginusto kong abutin ng isang oras sa pagko-commute. Magkikita kami ng mga highschool friends ko sa Starbucks. Tingnan mo nga naman ang irony ng mundo.

Pagkababa sa trike, naglakad na ko papasok ng Eastwood. Andami na palang tao sa district na iyon. Doon ngayon umuusbong ang replica ng Greenbelt. Grabe. Napakarami na pa lang restos, bars at coffee shops doon. May high-end mall pa. Napatigil ako sandali sa baba ng MegaWorld building. Napakunot ang noo ko kasi ayokong masira ang ‘high’ na nararamdaman ko. Pero sa sandaling pag-iisip, napangiti rin ako kasi alam ko na papasukin ko ang clone ng Makati bilang ako at hindi bilang nagbabalatkayong corporate chic. Binagalan ko ang lakad; gusto kong namnamin ang mga sandali. Gusto kong testingin ang sarili ko kung ano ang mararamdaman ko.

Biruin mo nga naman. Ilang sandali lang ang nakaraan kapiling ko ang mga taong pagod na pagod sa bulok na bus tapos ayun na ako strolling sa gitna ng mga nakapormang yuppies. Pormado talaga sila, samantalang ako naka-tsinelas, nakapalda at lumang blouse, bitbit ang napakalaki kong lumang bag. Pero ang sarap ng feeling. Ibang-iba ako sa kanila. Ibang-iba kasi mas ako na ako ako.

Nang nagkita na kami nung isa kong kaibigan, halos hindi ko siya narecognize. Wala pala siyang pinagkaiba sa lahat ng tao sa distritong iyon. May sundot ng pagpupunyagi sa puso ko. Hindi naman sa hinuhusgahan ko siya; nakita ko lang sa kanya ang mga ala-ala ng isang tao’t kalahati kong pagpapanggap. Niyaya niya akong lumipat sa Dencio’s kasi gutom na daw yung mga kakatagpuin naming iba pang mga high school friends.

Nung kompleto na kami – si Trust Banker friend na nauna ko nang kinita, si General Manager of Sikat Motors, si Flight Attendant, at ako, tumakbo ang usapan sa karir at mga pangarap. Syempre mostly pera ang nagging batayan ng karir. Hindi ako masyadong nagkomento tungkol sa karir. Pahaging-haging lang ako na kailangan din ng self-fulfillment.

Nirerespeto ko ang mga kaibigang kong masaya sa pakikipagbuno sa corporate world. Bilib ako sa unlimited nilang enerhiya sa mundong pasusukahin ka ng dugo kung kinakailangan. Pero hangad ko pa rin na sana sa mundo nila ngayon ay maramdaman din nila ang naramdaman ko kanina sa bus: isang feeling ng pagkakuntento na napakahirap maramdaman ng mga isda sa dagat na pinaaalon ng salapi.

Sa gawain ko ngayon, sa araw-araw na pagpapalit-palit ng jeep at pagmemeryenda ng fish balls at quek-quek, pakiramdam ko mas buhay ako.

Nakakapagtakang nasa isang rehiyon lang tayo pero may dalawang napakalalayong mundo. Kung proximity lang ang pag-uusapan, isang kilometro, isang metro, isang dangkal lang ang pagitan ng dalawang magkaibang mundo sa iisang mundo. Nakakapagtaka. Nakakapanghinayang.

Sana lahat ng tao hindi na matali sa pakikipaghabulan sa rumaragasang urbanidad. Sana lahat maging masaya at makatulog nang matiwasay. Dahil ang totoo, lahat ng pakikipagbuno – sa MRT man o sa corporate ladder, walang saysay kung hindi tayo makakahanap ang kapayapaan ng puso at katauhan.

Money Matters

2007-06-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

I've been checking out the stock market for three nights in a row. I even asked a friend to prep me and feed me inside info. I'd like to prove that I love art not because numbers hate me. Now I really want to invest on something more concrete and profitable. I noticed that I've been spending too much on books, shoes, hair care and skin care. Last week I spent a fortune on a five-day getaway. This is not looking good. So much for indulgences. From this day on I promise I won't make myself even more poorer. Gosh, how poorer can I get?

So, people, don't be surprised when one of these days I'd be posting fluctuations, IPOs and market forecast.

kodigo

2007-05-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

anu'ng oras na di pa kumpleto listahan ko. hanep mas mahirap pa sa finals sa Art Stud 194 (Theory and Criticism) ang gumawa ng listahan ng iboboto. Para kasi tong yung exam sa mga anyong-anyongan --- wala sa choices ang sagot. Isa sa mga bagay na ayaw sana nating gawin pero kailangan. Mabuti nang bumoto kesa naman magago nang walang kalaban-laban. Sa totoo lang, wala naman talaga akong kumpiyansa sa botohan peri gusto kong i-claim ang aking karapatan. Bottom line: kapag nagkadayaan na nga may karapatan akong humiyaw ng 'shet! binaboy niyo ang boto ko!'.

labo. kulay putik na ang pulitika. parang mga beach sa cavite. sayang.

yoko

2007-04-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Ayoko naman talagang malungkot. Ayokong maging dysfunctional. Ayokong
mahirapan. Ayokong maging purita. Ayokong makasakit. Ayokong masaktan.

Ayoko talaga...kaya lang bawal umayaw.

General Cleaning: Paghahanda sa Virtual Mode

2007-04-14T08:09:00.000-07:00

Naranasan ko na yung makipagpalitan ng mga nakaw na sulyap. Nakapagtago na rin ako ng tissue, ballpen, pinagtasahan ng lapis, panyo, crumpled paper at kung anu-ano pa. Isangkatutak na mga bagay na kinolekta kasi feeling ko napapalapit ako sa mga taong gusto ko kapag naitatabi ko ang mga bagay na nahawakan, nagamit o nahingahan niya. Kanina lang naglinis ako ng bodega. Nakita ko lahat ng mga alaala.

Sentimental akong tao. Sa totoo lang kaya naging bodega ang dalawang kwarto sa bahay ko, hindi ko kasi kayang magtapon ng alaala. Kahit pa idispatya ko sa buhay ko ang kung sinu-sino, yung memories laging parang feeling ko kelangan kong itabi for future use. Pero kanina naitapon ko lahat. Inisa-isa ko muna. Mga litrato ni ex, mga highschool poems, mga nanlalagkit na lumang journals, picture ni ganito, picture ni ganun, souvenir sa ganito, souvenir sa ganun. Ultimo giftwrap ng unang regalo ng ex ko naitabi ko pa pala. Marami ring souvenir programs ng mga plays na nagustuhan ko, with matching tickets.

Tinapon ko lahat. Pati yung kauna-unahan kong dance shoes at koleksyon ko ng mga ticket ng bus. Syempre unang dahilan ko ayaw ko na ng kalat at nanghihinayang ako sa espasyo. Pero bukod dun, gusto ko na kasi makalimot. Ang labo kasi ng memorya ko. Malilimutin ako sa halos lahat ng bagay. Pero sa mga bagay na masasakit, photographic ito. Isa pa, hindi na kasi uso ang magpacute ngayon, magtago ng dahon, bato, straw, resibo at kung anu-ano pa. Ang pakyutan kasi ngayon virtual na. Naaastigan ako sa ideya na may non-verbal communication sa cyberspace to think na salita ang pangunahing elemento nito. E.g. ang pagtingin sa 'WHo's Viewed Me" with mental tally sheets kung ilang beses ka sinilip ng crush mo. Nakakatuwa at nakakaloka at the same time. May isang babae nagpopost ng kung anikanik na sweetsweetan songs dedicated sa isang lalaki na nagpopost din ng panunuyo songs kay babae. Di nila bineverbalize. Di din alam ng buong cyberworld. Pero nagkakaibigan na sila nang ganun.

Amazed ako sa cyberworld. At higit sa lahat, thankful ako. Natulungan akong hindi maging masyadong attached sa mga bagay. Yung tipong alam ko sa sarili ko na virtual lang ito kaya pwedeng mawala sa isang iglap. Kahit itong multiply account ko pwedeng mawala kasama na yung mga exchange of thoughts natin dito. Ganun din naman dapat sa real world eh. Madalas magtatago ka ng mga abubot para sana 20 or so years from now magkasabay niyong titignan ng kung sino man o kaya ididikit sa slumbook. Parang patunay kasi yun na nagbibigay ka ng sobrang pagpapahalaga sa kung sino man. Iyang ideyang 'yan nagdulot ng alikabok, ipis, lumot at anay sa bahay ko at sa isip ko. Kailangan na talaga ng general cleaning ng espasyo at ng utak, puso at gunita.

May kaibigan ako. Binigyan niya ko ng isang pahina ng brown paper galing sa journal niya. Sabi niya hahanapin niya daw yun sa akin balang araw. Neknek. Baka itapon ko na rin. Anu'ng silbi ng mga bagay-bagay kung hindi naman napapangalagaan ang relasyong nanggagaling sa kalooblooban mo.

Hindi naman ako bitter. Ayoko na lang ng attachments.

mmm...

2007-04-10T09:17:00.001-07:00

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mmm...

2007-04-10T09:17:00.000-07:00

di maipaliwanag na sakit

2007-03-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

dun sa isang blog ko dito, kinwento ko yung sakit ko. yung ang symptoms eh di ako mapakali. parehong-pareho dun sa pakiramdam kapag nag-eexam ka tapos ang mga classmates mo isa-isa nang nagtatayuan. ganun. yung parang gusto mo magCR na ewan.

umaatake na naman yung sakit kong 'yun. gusto kong tumalon-talon, umikot-ikot, tumambling-tumbling.

ang mahirap pa nito... di umuubra ang medicol.

Nakakasama ng loob ang multiply

2007-03-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

Ang lupit naman ng multiply. Mula 11pm kagabi hanggang ngayon (timecheck: 6:30am), hindi ko nakalikot ang multiply. Bad trip. Mas productive, mas creative at mas emotional pa naman ako from midnight to 6am (promise may oras talaga. otherwise pilit).

Nagmemaintenance work daw kasi ang multiply. Pero bakit ganun? Bakit hindi na lang nung tanghali sila nagmaintenance. Naman oh! Ibig bang sabihin nito eh mas pinapaboran ng multiply ang mga nasa ibang timezone? western schedule pa ang kinoconsider kaya ganun?

Shet naman oh! Pati ba naman sa multiply may hegemony? Ganun?

Owmaygaligas!

Reverie

2007-03-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

I thought it was impossible. But here you are sketching the outline of our abstract beginnings, mixing the words and marks to freeze events, to verbalize thoughts.

I never knew hands can be much more graceful than turning on pointe. But your hands make typing appear to be a perfect pas de deux routine. The rhythmic clicks accompany the swift and accurate movements of your fingers. Beneath your stained blue-green blanket, I watch your performance. But you wouldn’t have to know. With my eyes three-quarters closed I take pleasure in memorizing your moves. My God, what else can those hands do?

Shush everyone, every object, every idea, every distraction, every pain, every dream. Let the performer claim his stage. But can a poet be a poet without reading his verses? Can a poet be a poet without sharing his works? If you’d never let me read what you are writing in this ungodly hour, can you still be my poet? When does a poet become a poet? Is it during the conceptual process and negotiation with his MAC or when readers turn the pages of the published works of his creative mind?

Better yet, what is a performance? Does performance always have to be physical? Even in your absence I watch you perform hour after hour. Should the performer be kept aware of his audience? My covet viewings will never be revealed to you. And still, I am a witness.

The proscenium of your work area, your silhouette formed from dim streetlights escaping through the fibers of your ochre canvas curtains, the streaks of highlights from your monitor – damn such scene. Damn the blocking. Curse the stage direction that disturbs my sanity. I’d have cursed you, my remarkable performer, if I’d known you are aware of this enslaving act. But you are not. You perform without you knowing it.

I am getting used to sleepless nights in this marathon of secret performances. Sometimes you would even try to converse with me. Once you even moved closer to pull pillows I used to cover my face with, to check if I was still awake. A couple of times you glanced at me and smiled, seemingly so sure I was still up and seemingly so sure I was observing you.

I thought it was impossible. But it happens. I am stiffened by your performances, my poet. Stiffened, but not out of awe. I wouldn’t dare move for I know at one touch… the wooden furniture, the MAC, the graceful hands, and the outline of my poet with his eyeglasses will all instantly disappear. The stage will be left empty except for dim streetlights escaping from the fibers of my pink floral cotton curtains. At one touch, I know my spectator eyes will be staring at the sturdy wooden side-table with my pink-striped wallpaper as backdrop. Then I will be wrapped in my own pink sheets.

I’ll never let you know I take the best seat in your every performance. I’ll always keep my eyes three-quarters closed. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

No other way than to watch you enchant me, under my own direction.

Para kay Cocoon-who-shall-not-be-named at sa lahat ng butterfly species

2007-02-26T23:24:00.001-08:00

How do you deal with anger?

Do you scream? Do you yell at those freaking souls in disguise who are so disillusioned by their own image of themselves? Do you call them mother-fucking bitches? Do you utter curses and wish them to never ever be lucky, to starve to death, or to live their lives in hell?

Do you vent your anger on something else? Do you blame the innocents? Do you blame yourself? Do you make yourself accountable to the disgusting smiles of so-called friends'? Do you actually convince yourself to believe you had a part on all hostililities? That you deserve it?

Do you express your anger in songs, in phrases in jetes and battements? Do you just shut up, contain all the rage and let them burst into a piece of performance? of angsty moves and angsty tunes?

How do you deal with anger

especially when...

you know that...

your grunts...

your tears...

your attempts to match the poker faces...

even...

your prayers...

your hope...

your birthday wishes...

DON'T MATTER TO THEIR "PIOUS" MINDS AND THEIR TEXTBOOK HEARTS?

How do you?

When in fact they don't feel your pain. Even if they do, they'd ignore.

After all...

They are artificial.

They are.

The hell with titles! wala!

2007-02-16T09:36:00.001-08:00

You said you are tired of drama. Understandable. But that means you're tired of me, 'cause I'm all drama.

You said you want to make your life simple. I take it my complications won't fit into that idea.

You said you hate interrupted happiness. That, I don't understand. Maybe we have different definitions of happiness. My happiness is never interrupted. I get to eat, to sing, to cook, to play, to read, to write, to dance, to have a good laugh. Interruptions to those are only momentary.

"It's either you're impossibly oblivious or you're just plain insensitive." I can't believe I heard those from you. I can't believe I'd ever hear those at all.

My silence affected you. But don't you even care to know how it feels to be silent and the reasons behind? I'm pressed to keep things to myself. I can't tell the world how heavy my troubles are. I shouldn't. In fact, nobody should. Nobody is the center of the universe after all. Everyone goes through troubles. I know those things. Who doesn't?

In silence I fight my battles. In silence I find comfort. Sensible people would know that focusing too much on problems and involving everyone in your own misery is one damn act of selfishness. I don't want to be selfish.

I told you there are people who are going through much more, and that we're luckier than most. Sarcastically, you tell me I gave you such a relief? I'm lost... is it really me who's insensitive?

What happiness of yours did my silence interrupt? If it's not my silence, then why am I getting all the hostility? I've had happy moments with you. The good food, good music, small talks, serious conversations, even our trips to the grocery store -- all those made me happy. Does my silence ruin those moments? Really, what happiness are you talking about?

Walang Pamagat

2007-02-12T17:38:00.001-08:00

Para na yata ako'ng si Don Quixote... sobra ang paniniwalang may Dulcinea.

Para din ako'ng yung babae sa Lohika Ng Mga Bula Ng Sabon... bumuo ng sarili niyang Sandali.

Tsk tsk. kawawa naman 'tong blog na 'to.

Suntukan na lang! Ano? Ano?

2007-02-09T08:28:00.001-08:00

Itetext ko sana ng ganito: "ang kapal mo. mamatay ka na sana" o kaya ng "wag na wag ka na babalik dito" o kaya naman "makakaganti din ako sa'yo" pero di man lang ako nakapag-compose. may load ako. di lang ako makatext kasi parang lalu lang ako magiging talunan.

kung sakaling paulanan ko ng mura, masasaktan kaya gaya nung sakit na majombag ng mga insulto? hanep. hamunin ko kaya one-on-one na lang kami? di naman kalakihan ang katawan niya,di nga nagwoworkout eh medyo may tiyan pa. kung tutuusin mas muscular pa nga ako sa kanya. pero bakit kaya nung huli kaming magpisikalan mas malakas pa rin siya? pero di bale na, atleast mas mahina yung suntok kaysa sa bibig niyang mala-kamao ni Pacman.

saan ba mas kapitapitagang matalo? sa usapan o sa bakbakan? mas may dignity bang matalo sa sapakan o sa murahan? pagbigyan niyo na ko... buti nga kahit papaano may choices.

narealize ko... pangbenteng beses ko na yata narealize to ngayon...

tama si Matute; mahirap pala talaga maging babae sa panahon ngayon. kahit na ang digmaan sa laway na lang nabubuhay.

mapagbirong site

2007-02-06T13:14:00.001-08:00

The Authenticity of Friendship, or how give up on it

2007-02-06T12:07:00.001-08:00

By this hour I promised to be seriously working on my paper but somehow I feel the necessity to unload what has been bothering me for the last few days. On second thought, I think I’ve been disturbed by my realizations for so long but was too scared to face the facts. Correct me, people, if my insights are rather too pessimistic. But I strongly believe all of us must be practical enough to veer away from our emotions and the ways we have been raised.

I grew up surrounded by different lives, people in different shapes, colors and sizes. My mom kept a lot of friends and I was raised to believe every individual, no matter how different from us they may be, deserves the true and never-ending friendships we have to offer.

I will not go over detailed accounts of the misfortunes and disappointments I have had with regards to “friends” I have kept and taken care of all these years (and months). But I guess enumerating the lessons I got from painful and shocking experiences can help me and others in handling personal relationships better. I’m sharing all these lessons, partly to myself to let them sink in into my stubborn and sometimes irrational head, and to everyone and anyone who has yet to see examples that they truly happen in real life.

The triviality of friendship: Lately I have discovered some things that I never thought I would encounter with people I call “friends”. Yes, even best-friendship may be as trivial as acquaintance. Sometimes it’s even better to relate to your neighbor coz a neighbor is a neighbor by the mere essence of the name. You won’t call neighbors the first time you get laid nor when you discovered you mother was a mistress. Reason? You won’t expect neighbors to sympathize. Then who would? Of course besides family the immediate answer is a friend. But mind you, it could be very misleading. Some people might be there for you one time or even all the time then betray you the next.
The necessity of standards and requirements: Certainly there has to be categories. You can’t label everyone as “friends” just because you spent hours and hours of serious talk, not even when you shared emotions in distress and in happiness, not even when one person has been there for you all these years (or so you thought), not even spending time together has become a daily routine. And in all these confusions, time is never a qualifying factor. Time does not prove truthfulness, nor does it reveal authenticity.
Being true to everyone does not necessarily mean everyone is true to you. It’s a two-way traffic. I used to believe my being true to people and my generosity to share my thoughts and confusions will pull the strings. But whoa, it’s possible for people to use anything you said against you, just to save their asses (and without even bothering to inform you that they used you as an excuse).
It’s a big no-no to assume your so-called friends understand you, your motivations, your intentions and your principles, even if they tell you and swore to you they do. Birds of the same feathers flock together --- piece of crap! It is never helpful to assume the people you give importance to are in the same frequency as yours.
Benefit of the doubt can only bring you trouble. Sometimes we refuse to judge because we think there has to be a very important reason behind every action and we hope that in that reason we will come to understand the people we value. We love to justify. But with further analysis, the benefit of the doubt is selfish. Selfish because it comes from the fright to get hurt. I was always afraid to lose anyone. I was afraid to think bad about the people I care about. And so I give the benefit of the doubt. But the doubt hindered me from making rational conclusions, thus, always stopped me from taking a stand. If you ask what I have become from giving infinite second chances, I’d admit to you that I am one person who failed to discern what is right from wrong. Now I regret giving away benefits of the doubt over and over.

I’m partly saying these to myself to wake my self from a winter-wonderland dream. I wish all is just a joke, or that I’ve lost my mind. But reality, statistics, make it clear, too clear that I can’t believe I was so stupid to hold on to my ideals. Honestly, I don’t know where to start now. I refuse to subject everyone I know to a true-friendship test, but it scares me to think that the numbers are being drained. There are a few people left, but it’s so damn hard not to anticipate another pain from a handful of neat friendships especially at a time when even the neatest of them already managed to stab you nonchalantly.

Upgraditis (Its Symptoms, Manifestations, and Treatment Procedures)

2007-02-04T22:08:00.001-08:00

This morning I read Butch Dalisay's article in Star. In his discussion of how often he upgrades his techie gadgets, he introduced one very relevant word.

Upgraditis -- the mind-numbing, toe-curling urge to get something newer and snazzier than what you already have, even if what you already have seems to be working perfectly and has served you as faithyfully as St. Bernard in the wintry Alps.

I was really affected by the article. Not that I'm techie; it's the idea that I can relate to. Let me modify the definition a bit. Mine goes like...

Upgraditis -- the mind-numbing, toe-curling, insomiac-turning, pimple-mass producing urge to get something/someone newer and snazzier than what you used to have, especially when what you used to have didn't seem to be working perfectly and had served you rather unfaithfully as Polgas in Pugad Baboy.

Perhaps you now know where this is leading. Friends, I won't even ask you to bear with my mushy musings. I know you know it attacks every once in a while. And the consciousness is a rather positive sign, isn't it?

Butch Dalisay says his upgraditis afflicts him every 18 months for laptops and evry 12 months for cell phones. I really wish my upgraditis attacks just that often. But it doesn't.

Looking back, I guess I've been sick with it since time immemorial. When I first became aware that my family is so much different from the typical, ordinary family, I wanted to upgrade. When my mom started enjoying night-outs and frequent social-drinking engagements, I wanted to upgrade. When I first experienced how it is to be taken for granted and betrayed by a friend back in high school, i wanted to upgrade. When I took the course that I thought was the perfect one for me but turned out to be unenjoyable, I chose to upgrade. When my first boyfriend showed psycho tendencies, I chose to upgrade. When my friends didn't seem to be how they should be by the mere essence of the label, I chose to upgrade. Even in religion, I didn't stop searching for the better option because I wanted to upgrade. When I got pregnant, I decided to get married because I wanted to upgrade. When my so-called husband turned out to be an ultra dense PS addict, I made a decision because I want to upgrade my life.

You see, the upgrading doesn't come only when there's a new mini version of some gadgets or when MAC or Windows come out with a new product. My upgraditis afflicts me every single day of my life at every single point when I notice how messed up I have become since I first became aware that there are upgrades. I saw other families, other lives and other situations that clearly shows life could be better and more wonderful because others enjoy such. Yeah, I guess it's more of the consciousness of the "downgrades". Looking at dad's life, I think he downgraded himself too much, and with mom covering up for him in front of the whole nation, i honestly believe she has downgraded. I myself have downgraded a lot of times; peculiarly at those times when I thought I was upgrading, I actually downgraded.

My current upgraditis reached the level when all i want now is to upgrade everything. Critical condition, i guess. Level 3. I want an upgrade in my career, my lifestyle, my artistic endeavors, motherhood, and romance.

Sometimes I catch myself looking at men like little pieces of gadgets for sale. I check their features, their parts, their capabilities, their look, the material they're made of, their price, the number and kind of people who owned them or something similar, the resolution, the battery life, the accessories that they come with, their applications, etc. etc. I meticulously go over the brochures and catalogues because I want to be sure to get an upgrade.

Well.. besides the uneasy "mind-numbing, toe-curling" urge, I see that at this point in my life upgraditis helps. My upgraditis helps me set better standards in life. For instance, as I decide on which school I shall send Maya to, I check every single detail just to be sure my precious cherub will get better education than I did. For Maya I want to be 100 percent sure I choose an upgrade. Even in the way i relate with my friends now, I am more careful because I want my friends to have an upgraded Avie as a friend, as much as I want to keep better, upgraded friends.

I guess it's more of how you can control upgraditis rather than how to cure it. I feel restless most of the time in that chingytweengie feeling to upgrade my whole life, but then I've learned how to focus my thoughts on what could be immediately attended to in that whole project to upgrade.

Focus. Self-control. Thorough and practical thinking. Rationality. Maturity. Patience. Those are the supplements we need to take to be able to bear the uncurable disease. I feel bad for those people who run for refuge to just anything or anyone when failure haunts. I hope they'd be able to get the hang of upgraditis rather than settling for anything and anyone, be them downgrades. I also hope people won't succumb to the urge at the expense of their future or their sanity, in the end downgrading themselves.

Really, if upgraditis works like how it does in me right now, I'd pray that it's viral just so I can get everyone I know and meet infected by it.

time really runs like a river

2007-01-31T00:34:00.001-08:00

I met up with Bimbo, a close close friend back in high school. It's been three years since we last saw each other so we were really excited to meet up even if it would mean catching up with each other's multi-episode life all crammed in an hour, the 12-1 lunch time.

The first few minutes after 30 seconds of "i missed you a lot" and "so happy to see you" exchanges were all awkward. No no no, we never had a thing with each other before. The awkwardness, I guess, was out of the realization that we missed so much of the happenings in each others' lives. Let me clarify my self, within those three years we actually have seen each other but those were on very special occasions like my wedding, his wedding, my daughter's christening, his daughter's christening. We literally just saw each other but never got the chance to talk.

Bimbo is a friend who'd never forget the value of friendship despite separation or lack of time. He's always the first one to greet me a happy bday every year. Even if we live totally separate lives he never forgets my birthday.

"What? You mean you realized you really are into women?", was what he said, to my surprise, when I started on the separation and marriage-falling-apart story which has been really mechanical to tell nowadays.

I laughed so hard. I was not laughing at the very humor of it, actually. I was just so happy with the fact that he really didn't forget what we have shared before. Important backgrounder: we shared one girl before. Oh no, not shared, I was with her first until he stole her from me. Hehe. I've forgiven, really. (oops, he didn't know I hid grudges) Seriously, it felt good to know that he still kept the memories and that he's still that open to me and that he can ask me anything without blinking an eye(sensitive or not).

We went on sharing each other's experiences. Believe me the updating can be so emotional but we managed to go over it casually. We talked about marital problems, the joy of having a child and the infinite expenses that go with it, what we have heard about people we know, how now that we look at ourselves objectively we see two anti-social workaholics -- personalities that we never imagined we would and could be 7-8 years back.

We were just highschoolers joggling school, social life and a bulk of hobbies (billiards, basketball, collectibles, bullying, smoking, drinking, malling, and oh dear, cutting classes). We were just enjoying life and were complicating our boring lives. Now we're busy simplifying our complicated lives.

I showed him some of Maya's photos which I have copies of inside all my bags (talk about being a girlscout mom, haha). He said she looks just like me. "Buti hindi nagmana sa ama", commented the never-changing laitero. Then he showed me Jill's, his daughter. Funny enough, Jill looks exactly like him, only with longer hair!

He laughed his heart out looking at us. He remembered how we used to exchange homeworks, computations in trigo, and even test papers. And now we exchange pictures of our children. I agree with him perfectly. We didn't know we would end up the way we are now barely 8 years after high school. Who would've even thought he, the heartthrob Bimbo, would come to marry one possessive woman and manage to stick with her when he spent most of his adolescent years collecting girlfriends? (I'm proud of you, Bo, for changing and for being so loyal to your wife) And who would've thought that I, the one-of-the-boys ultra independent Avie, would be impregnated before college graduation and now become a "separada"? Who would've thought we would be missing three years of each others' lives when one classmate (by the name of Sheila Romano, I guess) once tagged us with matching flowing tears and raging eyes The Partners in Crime. We still are partners now, but not in any crime. We partner in the belief that through everything that happened to us, we have no reason to be ashamed or feel demeaned or embarrased.

No one ever imagined we would be low profile citizens (I mean, so much away from troubles and popularity grievances). No one, not even me or him. But that's how life gets so exciting, isn't it? We are not stereotypes.

We realized how time flies and that we can never spent that much time together now like we used to because we now have new sets of priorities. He recalled that I was the one who wrote his profile for our high school yearbook and that how his wife never believed it was him who wrote it and that everytime he reminds her it was me who did the wife never believes I was never one of her girls.

It was just an hour of double-time exchanges of stories hurriedly recalled. But it was more than enough to remind me and to assure me that Bimbo is really my friend.

We can't be cheesy, we refuse to. But I know he knew what my smiles and cursing meant. It was my way of saying 'thank you'. And I also know he knew that I know the very gesture of having lunch with me is a huge show of support now that I am facing much bigger challenges.

Funny how time flies. But like a river, there's nothing we could do to keep the water from flowing. I felt too humiliated to even think of telling him but, really, I love Bimbo and I love him even more for the fact that time never cuts through the real friendship we have built 8 years ago as the naughty highschoolers who thought life can be too easy.

If only I could be rich by this, I'd savor every minute

2007-01-28T23:00:00.001-08:00

Remember how it feels as a kid waiting for your delayed carpool 5 minutes before your favorite cartoon show airs. Or waiting for your turn to deliver an impromptu speech that’ll either mark your abilities or prove your detractors right in an inter-level speech competition.

Here are two different situations that elicit very similar emotions. On both points you’ve been drowned for several minutes in impatience, excitement, desperation, optimism and pessimism in one, nervousness, and hopefulness. It was a freaking mixture of worries and dreams, of anticipations and fears of what had yet to come, of wishful thinking and sighs of defeat.

Remember the feeling, the unexplainable 5 or so minutes. More so, imagine feeling the conundrum, misorder and disorder of emotions now, at this point in time and for the rest of your life. Not for only 5 minutes, not even for an hour alone.

It’s possible. And when it happens, you can be lost in thought, unable to focus and almost miserable, but it’ll amaze you that you can survive days and days when you thought 5 minutes was already a torture.

Sometimes it happens for a season. But sometimes for months, even years.

I feel that mystery connivance of extreme emotions almost all the time. I feel it when I eat, when I put on my sleepwear, when I wait for the cab, when I cook dinner, when I wash my clothes, when I sing, when I read the paper, when I speak, and even as I write this entry.

We call it the “sickness”. But on second thought, illness can be cured by medicine, by herbs, by therapies. But this so-called sickness inflicts itself and cures itself in so many different ways and unpredictable conditions.

We can get used to it but still I wonder, was this terrible mix of emotions made to be felt 24/7? Didn’t it have 30-40 minutes maximum span? Because if it did, I think I’d qualify for a Guinness.

Britney, is it true that loneliness kills you?

2007-01-24T17:38:00.001-08:00

Britney, baby, you definitely made a mark, however and whichever way i deny it. Now read on just so you know how your lyrics come in handy.

***********************************************

I admit I'm one those people who look at love and happiness as the very reasons for existence. Totally embarrassing to admit but really I was one with the gang before Maya came into my life. And I hate my self for that. They say it's normal to be in a relationship for comfort, but i don't want to accept that as fact. I guess I've gone a long way now, but then there comes a season when I'd feel the longing again.

If this would cause you to vomit, my apologies. But i really have to say that loneliness strikes, so fucking insanely strikes especially during this time of the year when you realize you spent the holidays without anything nice and sweet to remember. Add to that the fact that the cursed day of sweety sweeties is only a few weeks ahead.

I'm not hating romance, alright. I'm hating the fact that its absence every now and then causes temporary insanity. Temporary insanity affects how I think, how I act, how I eat, and even how I polish my nails! Shetshetshetshetshet. Was it the latest book i read or the movie Step Up that sparked all this insanity up? Yeah, i guess it's the movie. I really miss dancing -- the fun of it, the freedom to move, the challenge (physically, mentally, spiritually) and with that I also miss having someone who'd really share the same interests and who'd support me for what I love doing.

It's been three years since I last danced. Funny enough, it's also been three years since I put myself into trouble with Erick. Yeah, talk about stupidity and nonsense sacrifices. But at least I have Maya. Bitterness aside, I feel that I've been too much out of focus. Or I just might be focusing on the wrong thing. I love art and the complications and empty pocket that goes with it. Maybe the lack of contentment career-wise aggravates the effect of lack of some sort of a special someone. Eeeeeewwwww. Isisi ba naman.

Wait, di ko na kaya kakornihan ko. What I really intend to point out is that loneliness really haunts. But it's still up to us if we'd allow ourselves to fall into the trap. It's our decision whether or not we'll put ourselves into situations just because we feel lonely. It's really tempting to just respond to whatever and whoever shows interest and promises a happy and peaceful love life. But the fact is, romance is not the most significant part of our lives.

I know I've gone a long way. I'm not anymore the Av who didn't give enough space and time "alone" to her self. Sometimes I amaze even myself with the fact that I can now resist an urge without blinking an eye. This morning I felt really really lonely and even run episodes from my memory of how wonderful it was to have someone to share experiences with. But now, a couple of hours after that I'm back to a more sensible me.

Whenever the "sickness" strikes, I always run to God and ask Him to please touch my heart and let me find content and happiness in Him.

I have Maya. I have the Lord. I don't think I'm incomplete without a "someone".

But it certainly wouldn't make a crowd, right? Hehe.

2006-12-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

We had an early meeting this morning with a partner. The agenda was a hotel development project in Palawan. I've already accepted the fact that the nicer islands in the Philippines are about to become tourist spots for foreigners to enjoy and I've thrown my principles out the window at that. I 've already, slowly, given up to the very fact culture and heritage get really touristic nowadays. And I thought that was the end of the compromise. But surprise... just felt my lifetime principles dying in the wind.
The partners decided to join a project sponsored by EU which funds deserving Asian projects related to tourism and commerce. They were all set to submit the requirements by March, only to find out that the sponsoring entity only entertains non-profit organizations. Struck by the need, now off they form an NGO on tourism and commerce. One partner immediately threw calls to friends to announce a call for membership for the NGO that will serve "as a vehicle for the profitable investment project". Everyone expressed commitment. What they didn't know was I was there, taking notes of everything, every idea they lay down. The conference room, the executive chairs, the long glass table, the paintings, the laptop computers, the coffee cups and the innocent sheets of paper are all witnesses to greatest concealment of the year, all witnesses to the connivance of corporate people hiding their way through. I was there. I was also a witness. But I'm not a chair, nor a table, nor a painting, nor a pen. What they didn't know was I have a heart, a thinking mind, and sheer commitment to culture and social sincerity. What they didn't know was, I am not as naive to be able to be guiled by wonderful rhetorics.

I miss art. I miss culture. I miss being a filipino in full and not being caught in between it and the need to earn enough centavos to survive.

Christmas Blues

2006-12-18T23:07:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming!
The exclamation is not of excitement. It's an "oh, no". I've never been a fan of Christmas especially because my childhood christmases are unforgettably must-forgets. Now that I'm an adult, Christmas screams of shocking expenses and the endless outward flow of the year's savings. Last year, I was left pissed and super poor after almost infinite visits of relatives, distant relatives, distant distant relatives, relatives of distant distant relatives and (brace your selves) ... distant distant relatives of the neighbors of distant distant relatives. I can't believe those people who dared knock on my door even if they didn't even know my name. And damn! Why do all of them expect me to give them money? And if I don't give I receive a frown. Come on, I am just a 24-year old struggling employee! I also eat. I also pay bills. I also have a kid to feed and educate! Why can't they realize that!?
Forgive me for being bitter. I know I sound evil. But it's the truth. The real essence of Christmas is often ruined by the pressure to spend especially when the economy is so down, the actual merry-christmas-can-you-give-me-the-money-now looks of kids and feeling-kids, and the torturing pressure to keep smiling in the middle of all these. Even the kids nowadays do not understand what Christmas is all about anymore. I don't hate the Christmas; i hate how people are during Christmas. I am not comfortable with the fact that money drives a celebration that is supposed to be in the memory of Christ.
The last two Christmases, now that I already have Maya, were even more difficult to handle. I was caught between avoiding the matters that make the holiday a season for me to force a smile and creating a pleasant early childhood Christmas memory for my daughter. I honestly think I haven't instilled on her the real value of Christmas. It's hard because I know a huge part of her perspective comes from her observations of others, of her cousins, of her lola, of her aunt and uncle, of neighboors, of friends -- which all scream of a day of money-making and trade of ribboned boxes.
For this year, I realized I have to face another pressure-filled Christmas. It's like facing some kind of trauma. But I have no choice. I have to give it another shot for my little daughter; for her to feel the true meaning of Christmas which is being thankful for being given the gift of salvation advented by the birth of Jesus, and life's purpose to bring happiness to others -- a happiness that does not concern money alone. I still don't know how I'd be able to do that. But I will. I don't want my daughter to be blinded by false Christmas ideas.

Me, myself and Aimee Mann's Say Anything

2006-12-14T20:38:00.000-08:00

I'd admit that this past month of finally being a certified single mom is not an event to open bottles of wine for. But neither is it requiring a session of wailing with close friends for comfort or something. In fact, it surprises me that i take the situation neutrally. I'm not in grief yet i'm not up for a celebration.

A week ago I went to see the remains of my friend's dad. That friend and another friend so generously gave me their congratulations when they found out that Erick and I officially called it off and redirect our minds to just strive to be good parents. I appreciated the congratulations; really, I did. But the fact that I did is because those came from my two friends who know what i'm going through. What bothers me is the fact that there are other people who congratulate me just because they think that's what i want them to do. I mean, my marriage came to an end not for selfish reasons. It's not all up to me. And I know I am not the center of the universe. It's pretty simple: If only I have the choice, of course I would have chosen a succesful marriage. But I also wouldn't want to live under the illusion of an imagined okay marriage if the empirical facts tell me it's not.

The separation was not an easy decision. But that doesn't mean I am not happy for doing it. Notice that there are some things, some decisions, some actions in our lives that are really painful but then we are willing to undergo the hurt because we know it's for the better. That's what I'm going through right now. And that's what I want everyone to understand. Instead of thinking I am really in glee for being "free", I wish people will respect my efforts for standing on top of all these. I find it really unfair for others to think that the separation is my ultimate wish. It's not a goal. It's a SOLUTION. A really difficult solution for that matter. The failing marriage is not a dream come true. It's the painful reality that I have to face. That's why when people who actually know nothing about what I have gone through would utter congratulatory notes, I can't help but feel offended. I honestly think I should have to be congratulated for surviving the break up rather than the successful breaking up process.

When I was still struggling through the terrible situation with Erick, the song 'Say Anything' by Aimee Mann made me put some more trust on myself. I think it's one song that will help people understand the women who chose to be happy and be respected by their partners who apparently are coming from a different end. The persona in the song may not be who she says she is, in the same way that her partner might be a little less inconsiderate that he seem to be. It's a matter of position. Two people in a relationship, whether it's a successful one or not, have different accounts of their relationship. But it doesn't mean each of them have to completely bend their thoughts and feelings. They have to recognize the fact that contrasting accounts may mean one serious thing -- difference. The ultimate challenge is to be able to keep your sanity and feel comfortable about your individuality. When the other person is already pushing you through your limits, when you think he or she has gone overboard to actually make you feel stupid and treat you as one by being so sure that you can accept any alibi, it's definitely time to get your feet on the ground and "get it over with".

You see me as a judge though I deny it and hold me like a grudge then justify it
But when you take such pains in searching for something that explains
please take a good look at our remains
'Cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and maybe there's room for compromise but signs that I get say otherwise
say anything 'cause I've heard everything
As hopeless as it seems I wouldn't worry
You'll get your chance to tell your side of the story
while you're raising your right hand, whatever defenses you had planned,
remember that when you take the stand
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and though I'd be happy to believe I'd have to be much more naive
So why do I refuse the truth, when I clearly cannot use the comfort of one more lame excuse
'cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and if you were everything you swear we wouldn't be beyond repair
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and if there has got to be an if get it over with!

I can't tell the world why and how Erick and I got to this point. I also want to preserve whatever image he has in the eyes of many. I still would want to see the father of my child be respected by other people. But then again, that doesn't mean I should go through the same things.

aimee mann mv - Say Anything

2006-12-14T00:49:00.001-08:00

"if Erick was evrything he says, things will be different today; and though I'd be happy to believe, I've got to be much more naive."

missing Maya

2006-12-12T23:14:00.000-08:00

Amazing how my little angel's smile can make me feel like a real superhero.

when i write...

2006-12-12T22:33:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling funny. It just feels like I haven't been doing the things that i realy wanted to do.The last two days i've absented my self from work. When I came in this morning, i had a thought of a really boring day ahead except for a lunch meeting with a client regarding a resort project in Palawan. It was not the project that excited me, actually. It was the thought of having a free trip to Palawan which could be a chance to enjoy its wonderful beach under the disguise of an ocular inspection. So I go on to my daily news monitoring routine, restless and impatient til the clock turns 1130 and it's finally time to go.I combed my hair, put on a little makeup so meticulously and sprayed my favorite scent. Okay, so I was ready to go when Sharon comes in and says "Michelle will come to see Mrs. Henderson and the investors instead."Okay, the chance to go to Palawan is rather a shallow reason for disappointment. Believe me I know that. The bigger deal here is the thought that everyone plays they're on top of things. When I don't volunteer for doing tasks that I think are not so much important, people think I'm not too eager to work. When I chose to concentrate on the tasks that I can do alone, people think I'm distracted. And so, when I disappeared from work for two days, people thought I wouldn't have enough mind to handle a client meeting because I just don't have enough dedication.I feel like people think I may be unfit for the job. But hey, that's unfair when they don't even know my end. I honestly think it's the other way around. The job is unfit for me.My boss always tells me (as in always, at least twice in a week to be exact) that i am the only person in her company whom she thinks will make it big in the corporate communications world. She says i have the right attitude and that I'm gifted with the necessary faculties. Well, it was flattering. But it doesn't give much pride as compared to the day when Ma'am Luna Sicat-Cleto came up to me to say I had the best concept for a one-act play among all the submissions she got for that semester. I get compliments from my boss every so often but that won't amount to one nod of approval I got from Sir Charlson Ong when I shared my insights re: the short story Rape Fantasies. Of course I won't forget the countless other times when I earned raised brows and frowns from other professors or bitchy classmates who thought they are the best writers in the world when they haven't got one work published, but those drowning moments were all worth the respect I got from my friends through every paper I wrote and every constructive insights I shared. I just feel that even if my superiors think I am perfect for the job I have now, I still wouldn't be able to give my 100 per cent effort for this. And each time my boredom and lack of insterest strike, the people who know nothing better than to bootlick to success always would make it appear like I am not capable. Gosh, atleast I don't refer to a bottle of juice as a fairy of tastes as one of them did too proudly. At least I don't download references straight from the net and then make it appear like I'm the best researcher-writer in the universe.I really want to write. But I'm not happy to write just to say I do. I want to write and make sense. I'd like to be a part of the tradition that I witnessed through the writings of the professors I look up to. I want to write to discover myself and how far my musings could lead me.I know I wouldn't have to explain myself to other people. I don't need to give them copies of my personal works just to prove to them that I mean no nonsense. I don't have to. If people like them do survive in this corporate realm, maybe it's time I consider leaving this 'dog eats dog' world.I used to be the kind who'd write to influence people, to lead others to ask questions and take part in making the world less of a hell than it is now. I'm not saying that corporate reputation management or marketing communications campaign plan is a stupid piece of crap. In fact, I do think big of those people who manage to forget about their principles just to create a juicy PR plan for the clients who think one tree-planting activity is all it takes to be acknowledged as a prime corporate social responsibility advocate. Honestly, I bow to those people who can make art into one festivity object just to make noise for a company and eventually increase the sales. I'll never be as strong as they are. At times when I didn't have a choice but to call my ridiculous efforts to compromise between my job and my principles an example of 'social marketing', it was always with a weight.People think I can't survive the corporate game. I won't be a hypocrite to say I'm happy they think that on me. Of course, it really agitates me. They are just too dumb not to realize that I don't like the job.Of course they can give memos or threat me to be suspended or something for not appearing on time. But they never should tell me I might loose the job and it'd be harder. Damn. They talk as if this is the best job, the best part of life, the essence of having able to finish college. I don't know why and how people get the impression that if one is not in the corporate world then he/she is not successful. Mom always tells me art and writing won't buy me decent food. I agree. But if being able to buy decent food would mean dragging myself to work everyday when i have barely a chance to be a part of the society, to answer to its needs and help make it better, then i think i would just have to be content with fish and rice. In my lola's own words, "magdidildil na lang ako ng asin".There are some who manage to forget about rallies they attended back in UP days or the intellectual "masturbations" it took them to write a short story that imbibes social awareness, and transfrom into office chics. I wonder how they are able to do that, when actually 9 months of being here makes me puke.

No More Maple Syrup

2006-11-28T01:36:00.000-08:00

What gets me is how it all happened in a week. Exactly seven days ago, I was, as my friend Maita put it, all in trance with my so-called father. I had it all planned on a Saturday. I knew my life would be different come Sunday. . . . We called the theatre ‘The Big Space’ because it unlimitingly catered to all our emotions. The grant zoutes, shasaes and cartwheels were freely executed *. Free, that’s the adjective. I entered the big space on a Saturday afternoon. I felt the thrill and excitement of expressing myself again. The show would start at 6pm. I ran across Joey, the stage manager, on my way to my designated dressing room at the far end of the backstage. He was the busiest of all. “Is our princess ready for her big night?” he said. His SM Kit was wrapped around his hips. His right hand held a roll of masking tape he used for plotting positions, his left busy with jotting down measurements. Before I could answer him, Joey was again preoccupied with counting and cutting and pasting. I watch him for a few seconds but realizing he’d already forgotten what he had just asked me, I went on. Besides, he was not done yet with instructing the props men for the backdrops. I saw the battens lowered a little from the ceiling but they were still bare. As soon as I got to my dressing room, I changed into my danceskin. I had just started tying my hair into a knot when Maita, the freak-out girl, came rushing. “Girl! Girl! Check this out!” she said in a voice much like a teenage-mother bearing her child. “What? Wait, it’s good you’re here. My pink tutus can almost pass for granny’s veil. Did you bring extra?” I told her. “Can you check this first before the goddamn tutus?”. She handed me a small piece of blue Post-It. The awful handwriting on it read 89 Caimito St. Q.C. Maita just watched me. “Maita! I only have an hour to get myself ready for our show. You know that. But still you can afford to give me an anonymous address without any explanation and you actually expect me to waste more minutes staring at you and wait till God-only-knows-how-long for you to at least give me a clue. Tell me, is this where pink tutus are lent for free?” I blurted out. “Hold it!” she cut in, “The NBI guy you dated three weeks ago, do you remember him. Well…we’ve been communicating, you know. He wanted me to be some sort of a beautiful bridge between both of you. For all we know I can’t be the ordinary overlooked type. I’m too sexy, that’s one thing…” “Maaaaaaaaiiiitaaaaaaaaaaa!” “Hedroppedbyawhileagotogiveyouthis.Hehasaflighttonightsohecan’twaitforyou.Hesaidifyourfantasydad’snamewasEduardoReyes,youcanfindtheguyonthataddress.” She hadn’t breathed at all. It didn’t sink in my head instantly. I had my moments in the show. I did my routines perfectly, or so the remarks said. I never noticed. Half the time I was searching the audience. Funny, but every aged man I saw I imagined as my father, watching me, proud of her dancing princess. Considering it’s my first performance as a lead, it was weird that I didn’t feel nervous. I was so lost in thoughts. When the show was over, I quickly packed my things and rushed to the nearest Pancake House. Strangely, no one asked me why I was in such a hurry. No wonder. The ever-so-spieling Maita had spread the word. It was good enough, anyway. At least I had the night to myself. And to my dad. I waited until the butter melted before pouring maple syrup on two pieces of pancakes I ordered. I had been forcing myself to follow a serious diet months before the show but even I failed to keep myself away from my dearest pancakes. They were my source of equilibrium. I ate them when I’m sad, or angry, happy, confused, excited, and especially when I felt different things all at the same time. Just like now. And never without the maple syrup. As I indulged with my sweet treat, I looked around the place. It’s nine o’clock and everyone was grabbing anything under the moon for dinner. What caught my attention was the man, probably in his late 50s, occupying the table across mine. He was nibbling on what seemed to be Clubhouse sandwiches and French fries. He looked stressed. Perhaps he had a long day in his office. His green longsleeves were already full of seams. For a moment I felt like approaching him to ask if he happened to live in 89 Caimito St. Q.C. or if his name was Eduardo Reyes. Thank heaven earth came to me and I didn’t. When Mom was still alive she used to tell me dad was good-looking. He was tall and dark and gorgeous. Along with that he was also handsome in the pocket, a total hunk in his time. I heard a lot of stories of him buying this and that for Grandma just so he could take Mom out for a date. At the time when I was starting to establish my dancing career and what’s left of the little inheritance I got from Mom was only a thousand, I imagined Dad knocking on my door with bags of groceries enough to last me a month. I told myself if Dad only knew I fed on noodles for straight weeks he would ran to my house and bring me to the nearest Pancake House. Or probably he would bring boxes of hotcake mix, dozens of eggs, and bottles of maple syrup. I knew he would even help me pay for the house’ mortgage and wouldn’t have allowed the bank to take Mom’s car. Perhaps he would buy me a new car and let me live with him in his rich man’s house. I knew he would, if only he knew. But he didn’t. He might not even know I was half-expecting him to come. He didn’t know. I’d tell him. Tomorrow. I’d tell him everything tomorrow. I got his name and address. There was no more reason to delay our meeting. What was left was the preparation for the much-awaited day. I quickly finished my pancakes and hurried to my apartment. At the back of my mind I knew tomorrow would be an uphill battle. The sun still shone at the east. The cling-clangs of Manang Loven’s kitchen utensils on the adjacent unit indicated that this day was as ordinary as the others. But I knew it wasn’t. I was busy applying mud pack on my face when Maita came. “Hey girl! Bought us pancakes and maple. You did great last night. I heard some big name proposed a restaging.” she said. When she saw my newly made toenails she blurted out, “So, the girl’s on for something. Ummm…what time are you going to your fantasy father?” She made me laugh. Dear Maita, she’s so good at fishing information. As if she was born to it she started throwing questions at me. She even volunteered on accompanying me. “I can manage. Don’t worry I’ll update you. By the way, can you relieve me for tonight’s baby ballet class? Or maybe you could be the new teacher from now on. Who knows I might not need to work tomorrow.” I told her. If not for my almost impolite insisting Maita wouldn’t have left at noon. I slammed the door shut as soon as I had pushed her ninety pounds out the front door. Five minutes later, I could still hear her voice. “Girl, if in case you change your mind I’ll be at the studio. We can cancel the pointees tonight if you want. Girl? Girl?!” Well, she was so sweet to want to be a part of the most important time of my life but I wanted to do it alone. Besides, it was not like the blind dates we normally share together. Four o’clock was the perfect time to go to Dad. That way I could easily leave before dinner if things didn’t turn out well. At 2 p.m. I was already scanning my closet. I took my white sleeveless MNG blouse and flared jeans. I’d worn both only once. I gave my shoulder-length hair a hundred brush strokes. I put on some accessories, a nice belt, and my sexiest stilettos. I added some color to my face to complete my look. Hawaiian Ginger scent of Calgon also came in handy. At a quarter to three, I opened my front door. There I was, dressed to kill, ready to discover a missing part of me. 89 Caimito St. I didn’t know the name of the village or barangay so it took me a while. The cab fare cost me almost half-a-thousand before the driver finally located the place. I let the taxi stop at the corner. I wanted to enjoy the thrill of walking to the house. I stared at the street sign for a while then composed myself. I dug all the guts I could. Then off I went. It seemed to me that the Caimito Street neighborhood was exactly how I imagined Dad’s place would be – a quiet and civilized environment. The first house at my left read #67. I walked fast. The road was empty. 69…71…73. I wondered how Dad exactly looked like. If only Grandma didn’t burn all pictures of him when he left, I would’ve had an idea. What if he changed name? What if he already transferred home? The thought stopped me. 81… How could I forget all the possibilities? What if my NBI date had made a mistake? What if Dad wasn’t residing in 89 Caimito anymore? And if he still did, what if he’s presently on a business trip? Or what if he went shopping? Should I wait for him or should I just come back some other day? Should I leave a message then? With whom would I leave the message, anyway? Oh my God, what if dad has an arrogant wife? I hope he’s there to save me from facing a real monster. And if he’s there, what would I tell him? How would I introduce myself? Oh, Mom’s name would ring a bell for sure. I retreated to what Maita would call graceful brisk-walking. I didn’t care about my thin heels anymore. 83… I was sweating. 85… I looked down. I’d never felt so nervous. In fact, my heart was beating faster than in any of my shows. For every performance, the bigger the audience the more nervous I got. But now I only had to see one person. I didn’t even need to perform. But I couldn’t control my trembling knees. 87… My stomach ached. I felt like vomiting. I felt cold but I was perspiring. I needed a doctor. I needed a toilet, a bed, medicine, hot & cold compress. I needed an emergency room! 89. My tote bag fell to the ground. From the street, I could see the façade of a turn-of-the-century two-storey house. Its light green paint seemed to need recoating. The Bermuda grass on the lawn was of dark green and brown colors. The doorbell button was missing. The gate was ajar. I called the names of every saint I knew and slid in. There were four steps up to the front door. I climbed up and felt jumpy. The nervousness I felt was replaced by excitement. I knocked three times and waited. There was no answer. I knocked again. Maybe he hadn’t heard me because I was hearing loud sounds of what I figured out as coming from a musical instrument I could hardly recognize. “Hello? Anyone there?”. My voice fought the loud music. I knocked harder this time. “Heeellooooooo?!” After what seemed like forever the music stopped. “Who’s there?” a deep manly voice said. Dad’s. I never heard it before but my hard knew it was his. “Who’s there?” Dad repeated. “Ammm…I just wanted to ask something, Sir.” I replied. Later I realized how awkward it was for a daughter to call his father ‘Sir’. “Can you wait a second? I’ll just put a shirt on.” “No problem, Sir.” I thought my heart couldn’t beat any more faster but it did. My feet felt as if I had my grand zoute suspended on air permanently. Could it be true that I was standing in front of Dad’s front door, waiting for him to finish putting on his shirt? There was no single sound of footstep but when Dad spoke again his voice was as loud as it was earlier, coming from the other side of the wooden door, “Are you still there? I’m sorry you had to wait.” his voice brought me back to consciousness. Everything was really happening. The door opened. “Come in. What can I do for you? Come in, come in.” Our eyes met through the same almond-eyed gaze. There I was looking at a gray-haired old man in his wheelchair. “Come in. Suit yourself. What is it you needed to ask?”, he insisted. I made a long deep inhale and said, “Sir, do you remember Luisa Martinez? I’m Lyka, her daughter.” I myself could hardly hear my voice. I was watching my fingers, both hands gripping my tote bag. “Oh yes, of course. How could I forget?” He turned his wheels and moved a few meters away from me. We were both silent. “You’re our daughter.” he finally said. “That’s what I came here for, Sir.” “How do you call your mother?” “I call her ‘Mom’, Sir.” “Call me ‘Dad’, then. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.” I fought my tears and I knew he did the same. Both of us didn’t want to be too emotional in an already emotional situation. But the connection was there, more than that of the bloodstream. Dad turned to face me. Watery eyes accompanied his smile. Just like mine. We spent the rest of the day looking at pictures of him and Mom, reading Mom’s love letters, and sharing tales from long years of separation. I learned that he lost his legs from diabetes. He’d been living alone since his family migrated to the states five years ago. He didn’t tell me why he stayed, though. He never even explained why he left Mom. I didn’t ask. It suited both of us just fine to avoid confrontation of the pains that 24 years of endless questions had brought us. What’s important was the sense of fulfillment I knew we both felt. . . .We are holding a pre-cast party today at Dad’s. Maita and Joey stayed with us overnight to help me unpack my things. The rest of the gang will be arriving in a while. Joey is busy mixing his green tea while Maita prepares sandwiches. Dad and I are munching on homemade pancakes with liquid Nutra Sweet. Everyone’s already in at four. Dad plays his accordion. We accompany him with our shanaes, pas d’boreis and relevaes*. Tomorrow will be the restaging of our show. Dad will be there on the front seat, clapping his hands, proud of his dancing daughter.

Trapped

2006-11-28T01:35:00.001-08:00

The coffee could no longer perk her up. She’d been browsing the files for hours and now felt a little weight on her back. Her left hand found a gentle way of rubbing her temples, the right reached for the second drawer of her worn-out office table. On the drawer, beside the 4-inch thick bundle of receipts for reimbursement was her best buddy, Mortin migraine pain caplets. She readily took one and immediately closed her eyes. Just as she was about to doze off, the phone rang . She reached for the headset as her legs rested against the side of the table. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”, a deep masculine voice was on the other line, sounding like a baritone who just rose from sleep. “Oh, and why should I?”, she said,. “Why shouldn’t you?” “I’m busy.” “And so you were last night.” She was silent. She stared at the open window, her hands found her temples again. “Look, we could have lunch together. I’ll go fetch you in a while…” “Bye”, she cut in. After replacing the headset she stood and walked to the window. She stayed there, as if surveying the quiet neighborhood of New York St. though the half open door of the Boston Gallery she could see a few of the paintings included in the ongoing exhibit entitled “Libog”. She had checked out the exhibit pieces the other day and felt like slamming some on the artist’s head. Oh, well, the paintings are good anyway and if not for the title I wouldn’t be thinking that the artist sees women solely as objects of arousal so might as well leave the freaking amateur in his quest of filling his stomach, she thought. As much as she wanted to hate the exhibit, she couldn’t deny that she was aroused by those naked bodies beautifully rendered in oil. In fact, she even considered purchasing one that shows a naked woman standing beside a french door. She wanted it. She saw herself in it. But of course, she couldn’t. It wasn’t a proper thing to buy. She tried to recall all the cases she had reviewed earlier. One was a girl raped twice at Ylanan St. in UP Diliman. The girl was 14, the rapist still unknown. Another was about a woman molested by a younger brother. The girl was awakened one night by her teenager brother’s head between her thighs, under her nightgown. She was dumbstruck. The brother just got up and said, “Sorry sis, peer pressure eh”. Hell, she gets a lot of these reports everyday. She reviews all of them and writes papers about them for different institutions. That’s how she earns a living, if one could consider P6,000 a month a living as compared to the P30,000 she was getting when she was still writing for Cosmopolitan. She said she needed a sense of fulfillment that her previous work couldn’t provide her that’s why she decided to starve. Well, she doesn’t starve at all. She goes out with guys who feed her. This wasn’t the first time a man called asking why she never bothered to announce she was leaving for the office and definitely not the first time she hung up on a man who either invited her out for a meal or offered her a ride home. She’d had one night stands. She’d also been in love. Once, a few years ago. The room was half lit, her body clung to Jake’s nakedness. It was one of their usual meetings – a day in her apartment, a whole day of discovering each other’s minds and bodies. There was already a sense of familiarity. Sex seemed almost like a ritual. And that afternoon, after making love she embraced him and stayed beside him. But this time, she didn’t close her eyes, she remained staring at Jake’s dark brown eyes. “Have you thought of settling down?”, she asked him. “Marriage? Why do you ask?”, he looked surprised. “Emma and Archie announced their engagement last night at Correen’s party. They seemed so excited”. “Send them my congratulations. They seem like a nice pair.” She touched his face, his forehead, his skin, his bones. How gorgeous he is, she thought. He was elated. It went on for a time, the gentle kisses and adoring touches. She never felt so happy. She was orphaned at a young age and shifted from one aunt to another. All those years of never belonging made her someone who searched not for a lover but for someone to love. She had so much love to give and Jake was willing to receive. With him, she felt needed, especially during these meetings, these afternoons of making love. Now that she had given her whole being to him, she wanted to have his child. “Baby, how about having a kid?” Jake was silent. On days like these, she usually met some guy for lunch. It was only the 10th of the month but she was broke. Yet she was too troubled to arrange a date. She checked her planner and made a note to see the doctor at four. She told her officemates to tell anyone looking for her that she would be away for 2 weeks. Outside, the sun oppressed her. She crossed the street but averted her glance from the gallery. Further off, she avoided looking at the Church as she passed. A few meters from the PETA office she turned left and slipped inside a shanty. “You’re here”, a male voice uttered. The house was almost unlit. Only a little light came from the half-open window. “I had to. I’m not feeling well. I’d just get a nap and be back at the office by 1.” “How come you don’t visit me anymore?” “I need to rest.” “Just because I don’t have any more money to give you just…” “Shut up! Don’t start…I’m not in the mood.” The wheels of the wheelchair rolled to a few feet in front of her. Now revealed by the light of the window, she saw the thin frame of the man. He looked gaunt, so different from the handsome man that he was a few years back, when he still had both his legs. “Look at me Cecille. Look at what you’ve done to me then tell me to shut up.” She stood still, not a bit moved. The place was still the same as she had left it. No curtains, no decorations. The only furniture was a single bed with dark blue coversheets. Damn if she could ever sleep here. Something stunk. The bathroom, perhaps. Well, what do you expect from a disabled man, she thought. Everything was turning as she had planned for the man. The man, his eyes a little watery, said, “I know why you’re here. I’ve figured out why you are away for months then suddenly show up a few hours. I know why you enjoy staring at me like that.” “Oh really.” “You can’t be clever all the time Cecille.” “Shut up! I don’t need any more of your goddamn illusions!” She surveyed the place once more. Hell, she couldn’t waste another minute in this terrible place, she thought. She turned and walked to the door. “Please Cecille, not again. Stop all these stupid things.” “I need to go back to work. Take care.” She went out and slammed the door behind. She walked fast, making sure nobody had seen her. A few blocks more and she returned to her normal pace. She rode a jeepney to her apartment at Cambridge. She no longer cared that she might have been responsible for the accident. She no longer depended on anyone. Still, she was getting tired of the affairs, the men. She entered her room. The light purple walls and white curtains used to relax her. The enormous collection of books on the wooden shelf beside the television used to gladden her. But now that she could see the Blue Cross strip on the bedside table, everything else in the room seem to contribute to her troubles. She saw the books, the essays, the surveys, the papers on women’s studies that both enjoyed reading and rereading. She was delighted with the fact that she knew a lot about those writings, that she was a part of them. She felt a deep affinity to those texts. She felt relieved knowing that there were many women who were as unfortunate as her. But today was different. She held the strip. There were two purple lines on it. She rechecked the package for instructions. She had read it this morning but her mind still insists on taking a second look, half-wishing there would be changes. Single line for negative, 2 lines for positive. This is the first time she used the particular brand. Could it be that this brand is not reliable enough or that it had already expired, she thought. No, she knew it’s positive even before the test. Four o’clock – she’s going to the quack doctor to get rid of this mess. Nobody’s going to know. Nobody should know. It would be easy, as always. She just had to rest for a week or so then everything would go back to normal, she told herself. Now, she should just revise her writings in preparation for the vacation. She reread the files. She rechecked the notes. She edited her works. She’s good at this. Even she can’t help but be agitated by her mixture of words and phrases that not only suggest but impose justice to the oppressed gender. Well,,, she’d been doing this for years, and she couldn’t go wrong. She had already discussed almost every kind of issue, be it rape cases, battery, or harassments. There’s only one thing she could not touch on. Probably because not too many complaints are forwarded about it. But there was one just a couple of months ago. She never attempted to write on it though, because she’s so afraid she might not do it well. Or she could be very bitter. The particular case record is still on file in her computer. It was about a woman asking for financial support from her ex live-in partner who abandoned her after hearing about her pregnancy. The woman was only 20 years old, her child a few days more than six months. Some of their pictures were printed out, placed on the corkboard. At 2 pm, she picked up her personal journal. After writing her a few paragraphs, she flipped on the pages and tried to figure out the exact date she failed to use protection and with whom she had sex with within that period. She kept record of every man she had dated, the place where they’d eaten and stayed for a night or so. Some receipts she even pasted on the pages. She must be 2 months pregnant because it happened exactly 2 months ago with a guy named Chris Toledo. According to her journal entries, it was an unexpected meeting and she was not prepared. Entry #58 = 75 Amorsolo St. San Lorenzo Vill = 893-4571. She stayed with this man in his house for two days. She placed a bookmark on the page and placed the journal beside the pregnancy test strip. She packed some of her clothes and went off. A few meters from her place was a sari-sari store. She stopped, bought a bed of headache tablets, and made 2 phone calls. She took a cab to a clinic in Sampaloc, Manila. The whole time Jake was asleep she was just staring at him. She couldn’t help but get excited at the thought of finally building her own family. If you came from a broken family or you simply didn’t have one, the tendency is you swear to God you’ll do everything to make yours a perfect one, and that’s what I’m gonna do with my family, she thought. “What time is it? I have to be back at mom’s by 6.”, Jake uttered between a series of yawns. “It’s 5.”, she answered. Jake stood, and walked to the bathroom. She also stood, hurriedly grabbed a towel from the closet and handed it to him. In her closet, under the pile of clothes, the pelvic ultrasound report was in a brown envelope. She took it. She wore her nightgown and waited till Jake finished his bathing. “I have a surprise for you.” She was seated on the rear side of the bed. Jake continued to dress up. “I went to the doctor yesterday, and this is what I found out.”, she said, handing the envelope to him. “Look at it”. Jake opened it and read. She just stared at him, still so excited. But moments after, she still couldn’t see the twinkle in his eyes that she’d been dying to see. “Cecille, I really have to go now. Don’t worry, I’ll see what I can do with this stuff? I promise to find a doctor to get this stuff out.”, he said as he walked to the door. “What do you mean get the stuff out?” “To get the goddamn stuff out as soon as possible before it gets really dangerous for you.” “I don’t understand. I’m okay, you don’t have to worry about me. We just have to settle things with your mother, with my job, with..” “Are you out of your mind? You’re actually thinking about continuing the stuff, aren’t you?” “I am not out of my mind and can you stop calling our baby stuff!?”. She was crying now. Her voice was shaking. “Cecille, you know pretty well we are not ready for this. I still have plans. You can’t keep that baby. I’ll call you later, okay. We’ll find someone who could help us remove that.” “I can’t believe this Jake! Tell me we’re not going to do anything to harm this kid!” “I’ll call you later, okay.” She grabbed his arm before he could open the door. Her face turned crimson and her limbs trembled. “We will build our family Jake. You and I and our baby. Everything’s gonna be okay. This doesn’t have to happen.” “Yes, we will. But not now. You have to wait for the right time. We still can’t. Please understand. Mom and I are leaving for the States tomorrow night. A good job awaits me there. Not now Cecille. Not now!” “No! You can’t go! You are not going to leave me Jake!” He held her hands and walked her to her bed. He knelt in front him and looked straight to her. Only their breaths separate their faces. “Look, I have my future perfectly planned. I love you, you know that. But we still can’t settle down. There are a lot of things that I still have to accomplish. I have responsibilities. I have a family. I see it’s hard for you to understand this because you only have yourself. But please understand, I have a family. My mom still needs me. We can’t keep that baby.”, he said. All the while she just stared at him, silent. “If you really want that baby,” he continued, “go on. But don’t expect me to get married this soon. Don’t expect me to be with you. I’m leaving tomorrow. If you really want that, ask yourself if you can do it alone. I could just help you when I come back, but not now. Not this soon.” He gently kissed her forehead and started to go. He didn’t make it to the door. She quickly got a long shear and stabbed him with it. He fell to the ground. She continued stabbing his legs until he lost consciousness. She called the police and reported the incident. “It was an accident”, she told them. Jake’s leg was amputated. He remained unconscious for quite a time. By the time he regained his consciousness he saw Cecille beside his hospital bed, still in the same nightgown. When the police asked him questions, he told them to stop the investigation because he wouldn’t file a case against his girlfriend because anyway, it was really an accident. Ф Ф Ф Mrs. Dela Fuente, as the president of this women’s organization you must learn that Cecille Ruiz is guilty of all these. Yes, you can tell me she has done a lot for this institution and it is really very peculiar of her to be the person that I am now telling you she is. You can read her personal journal if you’re still confused. Every single thing I told you today is written in her journal. A few other facts are results of our investigations. A man named Chris Toledo reported to us having received a unanimous gift delivered by LBC a day after he received a threatening phone call from Ms. Ruiz. It turned out the gift was a little fetus that Ms. Ruiz claims as Mr. Toledo’s baby. The gift comes with this note: I know men can’t support their babies. I know what happens to women abandoned by men after pregnancy. I know what happens to babies abandoned by their fathers. We have another informant named Jake Pascual who told us Ms. Ruiz’s whereabouts. You can talk to him but I have to tell you he is also under surveillance. Psychiatric tests showed his obsession with Ms. Ruiz and also tendencies to kill her. He lived near this office. He kept himself from any other person except Ms. Ruiz for a long time. I am also a woman, Ms. Dela Fuente. I am also concerned with all the campaigns you have against gender violence. But you have to be very careful. We would likely appreciate it if you would check all the cases Ms. Ruiz has worked with over the 7 months she stayed in this organization. She has her own motives and I believe she doesn’t take any case different from hers. At the present, Ms. Ruiz is under recovery from her latest and, according to her, 5th abortion. Mr. Toledo filed a case against her. I am suggesting that you also charge her because in any way your organization is capable of. But let’s wait until the results of her mental tests are out. By the way, we traced a file from your records. Year 1983, a woman named Marissa Ruiz asked your organization’s help regarding claims for financial support from a man who impregnated her and then abandoned her. The man died in a car accident. The woman committed suicide. Cecille Ruiz is their daughter. #

colors and strokes

2006-11-24T00:28:00.000-08:00

I chance upon one foreign artist's collection of works and found myself speechless. It was silence out of overwhelming owe, yes. But it's much more.
I was stiffened by the realization that there are just so many things that used to enjoy doing. I had a fascination with colors, hues, shapes, lines, curves and shadows.
The collection reminded me of a little girl who spent hours and hours with a set of crayons and her mother's used bond papers. There was even one time when the little locked herself in her all for one whole day in all tears when mom refused to buy her a set of oil pastels. She's the kind of girl who'd use all her convincing powers to turn an afternoon of playtime with friends an art session. She drew all her experiences and thoughts. She drew her emotions, her sadness, her joy, her longings, her dreams, her pain, her losses. She created her world, a world of colors and shapes that contain her being.

As I stare at the little girl's hands, now that they've grown into a woman's, i can't believe what I see. The nails that always has a pigment or two in now so tidy. Well, it's not the neatness now that matters although the manicure sessions were regularly planned.

The little grew as a woman. But she's no longer herself. She has lost the colors and hues that used to brighten her innocence.

2006-11-22T23:26:00.000-08:00

I bid goodbye to school, started a career in the realm of mechanical corporate "handicraft", moved from one house to another then back, had a taste of what it was like to be unfaithful, separated from a so-called husband, found a good friend and lost him at once, and got used to endless clashings of principles with mom --- all within a year. And who knows if a stronger bump is still coming, besides, there's still over a month before the year ends.
In all those crazy melodramatic scenes I can't believe my life had in history, I never stopped thinking, contemplating, having a hard time to decide if i should call myself stupid or not.

The good friend I lost told he knows I'm tired of the drama. Am I, really? I guess I'm afraid to face the fact that I'm living a helluva dramatic life. I mean, who wanted drama in the first place?

I am starting this new blog inspired by a blog entry i read yesterday which says writing is like hooking up with a muse. You must share each day with the muse to keep the relationship going and really try to consistently do so. There will be times when you just couldn't think of something sensible to write, but even in those times you have to write. At least, in case the muse decides to call it off with you, you can outrightly say you kept the relationship going.
And so... i start this site with the promise to keep in touch with the muse.

i've had too many episodes crammed up, which gives me much more reason to write; to be able to track down my own musings.