We had an early meeting this morning with a partner. The agenda was a hotel development project in Palawan. I've already accepted the fact that the nicer islands in the Philippines are about to become tourist spots for foreigners to enjoy and I've thrown my principles out the window at that. I 've already, slowly, given up to the very fact culture and heritage get really touristic nowadays. And I thought that was the end of the compromise. But surprise... just felt my lifetime principles dying in the wind.
The partners decided to join a project sponsored by EU which funds deserving Asian projects related to tourism and commerce. They were all set to submit the requirements by March, only to find out that the sponsoring entity only entertains non-profit organizations. Struck by the need, now off they form an NGO on tourism and commerce. One partner immediately threw calls to friends to announce a call for membership for the NGO that will serve "as a vehicle for the profitable investment project". Everyone expressed commitment. What they didn't know was I was there, taking notes of everything, every idea they lay down. The conference room, the executive chairs, the long glass table, the paintings, the laptop computers, the coffee cups and the innocent sheets of paper are all witnesses to greatest concealment of the year, all witnesses to the connivance of corporate people hiding their way through. I was there. I was also a witness. But I'm not a chair, nor a table, nor a painting, nor a pen. What they didn't know was I have a heart, a thinking mind, and sheer commitment to culture and social sincerity. What they didn't know was, I am not as naive to be able to be guiled by wonderful rhetorics.

I miss art. I miss culture. I miss being a filipino in full and not being caught in between it and the need to earn enough centavos to survive.

Christmas Blues

Christmas is coming!
The exclamation is not of excitement. It's an "oh, no". I've never been a fan of Christmas especially because my childhood christmases are unforgettably must-forgets. Now that I'm an adult, Christmas screams of shocking expenses and the endless outward flow of the year's savings. Last year, I was left pissed and super poor after almost infinite visits of relatives, distant relatives, distant distant relatives, relatives of distant distant relatives and (brace your selves) ... distant distant relatives of the neighbors of distant distant relatives. I can't believe those people who dared knock on my door even if they didn't even know my name. And damn! Why do all of them expect me to give them money? And if I don't give I receive a frown. Come on, I am just a 24-year old struggling employee! I also eat. I also pay bills. I also have a kid to feed and educate! Why can't they realize that!?
Forgive me for being bitter. I know I sound evil. But it's the truth. The real essence of Christmas is often ruined by the pressure to spend especially when the economy is so down, the actual merry-christmas-can-you-give-me-the-money-now looks of kids and feeling-kids, and the torturing pressure to keep smiling in the middle of all these. Even the kids nowadays do not understand what Christmas is all about anymore. I don't hate the Christmas; i hate how people are during Christmas. I am not comfortable with the fact that money drives a celebration that is supposed to be in the memory of Christ.
The last two Christmases, now that I already have Maya, were even more difficult to handle. I was caught between avoiding the matters that make the holiday a season for me to force a smile and creating a pleasant early childhood Christmas memory for my daughter. I honestly think I haven't instilled on her the real value of Christmas. It's hard because I know a huge part of her perspective comes from her observations of others, of her cousins, of her lola, of her aunt and uncle, of neighboors, of friends -- which all scream of a day of money-making and trade of ribboned boxes.
For this year, I realized I have to face another pressure-filled Christmas. It's like facing some kind of trauma. But I have no choice. I have to give it another shot for my little daughter; for her to feel the true meaning of Christmas which is being thankful for being given the gift of salvation advented by the birth of Jesus, and life's purpose to bring happiness to others -- a happiness that does not concern money alone. I still don't know how I'd be able to do that. But I will. I don't want my daughter to be blinded by false Christmas ideas.

Me, myself and Aimee Mann's Say Anything

I'd admit that this past month of finally being a certified single mom is not an event to open bottles of wine for. But neither is it requiring a session of wailing with close friends for comfort or something. In fact, it surprises me that i take the situation neutrally. I'm not in grief yet i'm not up for a celebration.

A week ago I went to see the remains of my friend's dad. That friend and another friend so generously gave me their congratulations when they found out that Erick and I officially called it off and redirect our minds to just strive to be good parents. I appreciated the congratulations; really, I did. But the fact that I did is because those came from my two friends who know what i'm going through. What bothers me is the fact that there are other people who congratulate me just because they think that's what i want them to do. I mean, my marriage came to an end not for selfish reasons. It's not all up to me. And I know I am not the center of the universe. It's pretty simple: If only I have the choice, of course I would have chosen a succesful marriage. But I also wouldn't want to live under the illusion of an imagined okay marriage if the empirical facts tell me it's not.

The separation was not an easy decision. But that doesn't mean I am not happy for doing it. Notice that there are some things, some decisions, some actions in our lives that are really painful but then we are willing to undergo the hurt because we know it's for the better. That's what I'm going through right now. And that's what I want everyone to understand. Instead of thinking I am really in glee for being "free", I wish people will respect my efforts for standing on top of all these. I find it really unfair for others to think that the separation is my ultimate wish. It's not a goal. It's a SOLUTION. A really difficult solution for that matter. The failing marriage is not a dream come true. It's the painful reality that I have to face. That's why when people who actually know nothing about what I have gone through would utter congratulatory notes, I can't help but feel offended. I honestly think I should have to be congratulated for surviving the break up rather than the successful breaking up process.

When I was still struggling through the terrible situation with Erick, the song 'Say Anything' by Aimee Mann made me put some more trust on myself. I think it's one song that will help people understand the women who chose to be happy and be respected by their partners who apparently are coming from a different end. The persona in the song may not be who she says she is, in the same way that her partner might be a little less inconsiderate that he seem to be. It's a matter of position. Two people in a relationship, whether it's a successful one or not, have different accounts of their relationship. But it doesn't mean each of them have to completely bend their thoughts and feelings. They have to recognize the fact that contrasting accounts may mean one serious thing -- difference. The ultimate challenge is to be able to keep your sanity and feel comfortable about your individuality. When the other person is already pushing you through your limits, when you think he or she has gone overboard to actually make you feel stupid and treat you as one by being so sure that you can accept any alibi, it's definitely time to get your feet on the ground and "get it over with".

You see me as a judge though I deny it and hold me like a grudge then justify it
But when you take such pains in searching for something that explains
please take a good look at our remains
'Cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and maybe there's room for compromise but signs that I get say otherwise
say anything 'cause I've heard everything
As hopeless as it seems I wouldn't worry
You'll get your chance to tell your side of the story
while you're raising your right hand, whatever defenses you had planned,
remember that when you take the stand
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and though I'd be happy to believe I'd have to be much more naive
So why do I refuse the truth, when I clearly cannot use the comfort of one more lame excuse
'cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and if you were everything you swear we wouldn't be beyond repair
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and if there has got to be an if get it over with!

I can't tell the world why and how Erick and I got to this point. I also want to preserve whatever image he has in the eyes of many. I still would want to see the father of my child be respected by other people. But then again, that doesn't mean I should go through the same things.

aimee mann mv - Say Anything

"if Erick was evrything he says, things will be different today; and though I'd be happy to believe, I've got to be much more naive."

missing Maya

Amazing how my little angel's smile can make me feel like a real superhero.

when i write...

Lately I have been feeling funny. It just feels like I haven't been doing the things that i realy wanted to do.The last two days i've absented my self from work. When I came in this morning, i had a thought of a really boring day ahead except for a lunch meeting with a client regarding a resort project in Palawan. It was not the project that excited me, actually. It was the thought of having a free trip to Palawan which could be a chance to enjoy its wonderful beach under the disguise of an ocular inspection. So I go on to my daily news monitoring routine, restless and impatient til the clock turns 1130 and it's finally time to go.I combed my hair, put on a little makeup so meticulously and sprayed my favorite scent. Okay, so I was ready to go when Sharon comes in and says "Michelle will come to see Mrs. Henderson and the investors instead."Okay, the chance to go to Palawan is rather a shallow reason for disappointment. Believe me I know that. The bigger deal here is the thought that everyone plays they're on top of things. When I don't volunteer for doing tasks that I think are not so much important, people think I'm not too eager to work. When I chose to concentrate on the tasks that I can do alone, people think I'm distracted. And so, when I disappeared from work for two days, people thought I wouldn't have enough mind to handle a client meeting because I just don't have enough dedication.I feel like people think I may be unfit for the job. But hey, that's unfair when they don't even know my end. I honestly think it's the other way around. The job is unfit for me.My boss always tells me (as in always, at least twice in a week to be exact) that i am the only person in her company whom she thinks will make it big in the corporate communications world. She says i have the right attitude and that I'm gifted with the necessary faculties. Well, it was flattering. But it doesn't give much pride as compared to the day when Ma'am Luna Sicat-Cleto came up to me to say I had the best concept for a one-act play among all the submissions she got for that semester. I get compliments from my boss every so often but that won't amount to one nod of approval I got from Sir Charlson Ong when I shared my insights re: the short story Rape Fantasies. Of course I won't forget the countless other times when I earned raised brows and frowns from other professors or bitchy classmates who thought they are the best writers in the world when they haven't got one work published, but those drowning moments were all worth the respect I got from my friends through every paper I wrote and every constructive insights I shared. I just feel that even if my superiors think I am perfect for the job I have now, I still wouldn't be able to give my 100 per cent effort for this. And each time my boredom and lack of insterest strike, the people who know nothing better than to bootlick to success always would make it appear like I am not capable. Gosh, atleast I don't refer to a bottle of juice as a fairy of tastes as one of them did too proudly. At least I don't download references straight from the net and then make it appear like I'm the best researcher-writer in the universe.I really want to write. But I'm not happy to write just to say I do. I want to write and make sense. I'd like to be a part of the tradition that I witnessed through the writings of the professors I look up to. I want to write to discover myself and how far my musings could lead me.I know I wouldn't have to explain myself to other people. I don't need to give them copies of my personal works just to prove to them that I mean no nonsense. I don't have to. If people like them do survive in this corporate realm, maybe it's time I consider leaving this 'dog eats dog' world.I used to be the kind who'd write to influence people, to lead others to ask questions and take part in making the world less of a hell than it is now. I'm not saying that corporate reputation management or marketing communications campaign plan is a stupid piece of crap. In fact, I do think big of those people who manage to forget about their principles just to create a juicy PR plan for the clients who think one tree-planting activity is all it takes to be acknowledged as a prime corporate social responsibility advocate. Honestly, I bow to those people who can make art into one festivity object just to make noise for a company and eventually increase the sales. I'll never be as strong as they are. At times when I didn't have a choice but to call my ridiculous efforts to compromise between my job and my principles an example of 'social marketing', it was always with a weight.People think I can't survive the corporate game. I won't be a hypocrite to say I'm happy they think that on me. Of course, it really agitates me. They are just too dumb not to realize that I don't like the job.Of course they can give memos or threat me to be suspended or something for not appearing on time. But they never should tell me I might loose the job and it'd be harder. Damn. They talk as if this is the best job, the best part of life, the essence of having able to finish college. I don't know why and how people get the impression that if one is not in the corporate world then he/she is not successful. Mom always tells me art and writing won't buy me decent food. I agree. But if being able to buy decent food would mean dragging myself to work everyday when i have barely a chance to be a part of the society, to answer to its needs and help make it better, then i think i would just have to be content with fish and rice. In my lola's own words, "magdidildil na lang ako ng asin".There are some who manage to forget about rallies they attended back in UP days or the intellectual "masturbations" it took them to write a short story that imbibes social awareness, and transfrom into office chics. I wonder how they are able to do that, when actually 9 months of being here makes me puke.