Tamod

napapanis.
nabubulok.
nagkakaong.

pinupunasan, hinuhugasan, tinatapon pagkatapos.

kasi nga...
tamod lang.

Para Kay Sir Monico at Sir Rene

Masakit din palang magpaalam sa mga taong hindi mo man kapamilya o kamag-anak, sila namang pinanggalingan ng mga tanong-sagot-paliwanag mo sa mundo.

Si Sir Atienza, isang beses ko lang nakakwentuhan. Five years ago dumalo siya sa critics’ night ng isang play kung saan isa ako sa mga artista. Grabe, dun ko unang naintindihan kung ano ang ‘deconstruction’. At noon lang ako nakakita ng taong naghuhumiyaw ang passion. Ako din ang nagchoreograph nung movements sa dulang yun. Sabi niya sa akin maganda daw ang pagkakabuo ko ng mga imahen, tamang-tama daw at naipaabot ang mensahe in a nutshell. Natuwa ako syempre at simula noon, pinag-iisipan ko na lahat ng ginagawa ko, sayaw man o kung anu man. Tuwing nakakasalubong ko siya, kahit gaano pa ako kangarag, talagang ngingiti’t ngingiti ako with matching good morning/afternoon/evening. Isang beses din narinig ko siyang magbigay ng talk sa ACLE. Halos pumutok ang utak ko, nahilo ako sa kaalaman, sa sumasabog na passion at pag-ibig sa kapwa, sa bayan. Ibang klase siyang tao.

Si Sir Rene naman, hindi ko nakasalamuha sa totoong buhay. Nag-enrol ako sa class niya dati pero nagkaconflict sa sched kaya nagpalit ako ng class. Pero lahat ng libro niya, binili ko. Pinakapaborito ko ang “Impersonal”. Kahit hindi kami magkakilala, guro ko siya; araw-araw akong natututo sa mga naisulat niya. Pati nga children’s books na sinulat niya binili ko lahat ng makita ko. Kako kasi kung siya ang nagsulat sigurado may matututunan ang anak ko. Gabi-gabi kasama sa ritwal naming ni Maya ang mga akdang pambata niya.

Sa kanilang dalawa, abot langit ang respeto at paghanga ko. Sabi ko sa sarili ko pag nag-aral ako ulit papasok ako sa mga klase nila. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, baling araw, ito ang mga taong gusto kong makausap at mapasalamatan sa dami ng naitulong nila sa akin kahit hindi pa man kami nagkakasama. Pero hindi na pwede. Nagpaalam na sila.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito kabigat ang pakiramdam. Pero pipilitin kong mapanatiling buhay ang kanilang mga adhikain, sa abot ng aking makakaya.

Paalam po mga Sir.

Nine-Eleven on 12-10

Nine-Eleven, a meta-narrative of the Sept. 11 tragedy, retells a story of terrorism, espionage, politics, technology, and social condition in one thrilling, unpredictable and exciting film. Starring the legendary Eddie Garcia with Dennis Roldan, Maricar De Mesa and other promising actors, Nine-Eleven is out to stimulate the imagination and inquisitiveness of the audience.

Catch Nine-Eleven at SM Megamall Cinema 10 on the 10^th of December, 2007. Tickets available at all TicketNet outlets. For reservations, contact 0917-5685939.

Nine-Eleven, a film by John Christian Reyes and Jorge Isaac, is brought to you by Cube Production Phils, MMG Entertainment Production, SM Cinema, and TicketNet.

How do we deal with darkness?

When once-white canvases succeed to show images of ourselves, our lives and our society, we admire the likenesses and explore the distortions. But how much of ourselves could we actually see from a reversed take-off point? This time, we are invited to engage into a recollection of our realities through looking at, in and from the dark.

PUSIKIT, an exhibition of paintings created from black canvases by artist Vivian N. Limpin, will open on Tuesday, Nov. 20, 6:00 in the evening, at the Conspiracy Bar, Visayas Avenue.

Photography Workshop at UPFI

Black & White Photography is a workshop that introduces students to the basics of photography. It aims to give participants a background on the principles and aesthetics of photography, including camera control, framing & composition, developing & darkroom printing, and more. B&W photography is foundational to the technical and creative aspects of filmmaking and other visual media.

Vivian Limpin, the workshop facilitator, is a well-rounded artist: a published poet, fictionist, and playwright; a cinematographer and production designer for many independent films; a visual artist and animator; an award-winning documentary filmmaker; and a photographer. As an artistic photographer, she has exhibited her works in more than 30 group and solo shows. She is also a lecturer at the UP Film Institute.

BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY
Facilitator: Vivian Limpin
Dates: October 22-26 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UP CMC A-107A
Fee: P 7,500, inclusive of B&W stocks, materials for developing & printing, light snacks, and certificates.

Requirement: 35mm still camera


For those who are interested, download the attached reservation form and send to upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph or fax to 926-2722 as soon as possible. You may also send SMS to 09175685939. There are only 5 slots left so hurry and register now!

Scriptwriting Workshop this Saturday!

The UP Film Institute invites you to join the

BASIC SCRIPTWRITING WORKSHOP

Film viewing does not only give us momentary switches of emotions, but also allows us to explore our creativity, to engage in a fictional world and interact with characters who somehow serve as shadows of ourselves. Oftentimes, we find ourselves imagining our favorite characters in different situations; all the what-ifs and whatnots trail our creative minds. Sometimes we even wonder… what if we give life to the one character we have always been thinking about? Or play God and create new worlds? Or better yet, write a script that a filmmaker may actual translate on screen?

Basic Scriptwriting: Visualizing from Scratch is a workshop intended for the absolute beginner, who has no background whatsoever in film, writing, or media, but who wants to discover the possibilities of scriptwriting. It introduces participants to the "real basics" of writing for film, from the "translation" of written-abstract concepts into visual-moving images (and vice versa – translation of perceived cinematic images into the written word), to a hands-on discovery of the essential concepts and components of a script that works.

The workshop facilitator, Libay Linsangan Cantor, is a faculty member of the UP Film Institute, teaching courses like Scriptwriting and Language and Grammar of Film. An experienced TV scriptwriter of children's educational shows, she has garnered local & international awards for her full-length screenplay, photography, and video productions, and has received a Palanca-award for her literary work. She also directs for TV.

Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: October 13, 20, 27, Nov. 3, & 10 (Saturdays)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

For those who are interested, send SMS to 0917-5685939. We only have a couple of slots left so please make reservations the soonest possible. You may also accomplish the reservation form attached in this message then send it back upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph. Payments shall be made before the start of the workshop.

SALIDUMAY (a benefit night with Pinikpikan, music workshops, atbp.)

Panoorin ang Pinikpikan, si Carol Bello, ang Engkantada (all-female group), si Cynthia Alexander, si Bayang Barrios, at marami pang iba.

Matuto ng chanting at basics ng Cordilleran instruments sa isang minsanang pagkakataon. Ang mga workshop na ito ay ibabahagi nina Carol Bello, Mcwest Bello at Diego Lazo.

Chants: Oggayam, Salimdumay, Collepan, Ading
Instruments: Flute (paldong), Suklit, Tungatong, Kulittong, Balimbing

at higit sa lahat....

makatulong sa isang cancer patient sa isang gabi ng musika at workshop, ang...

SALIDUMAY, a benefit night

sa October 12, 6pm sa Ishmael Bernal Gallery sa UP Film Institute.

Sa halagang 100 pesos, nag-enjoy ka na, natuto pa at nakasagip ng buhay.

Magkita-kita tayo sa SALIDUMAY mga kapatid.


Para sa mga katanungan, contact 09175685939.

Catch The Dawn at Friday Film Bar

The Dawn, the renowned band led by Jet Pangan, will be playing at 2007 Friday Film Bar Series closing night on October 5, 6:30pm at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, UP Film Institute (former Film Center)

The following films will also be shown.

"Tulad ng Dati" by Mike Sandejas
"One-Man Show" by Glenn Ituriaga and Dohna Sarmiento

Free flowing coffee and iced tea. Freebies etc.

tickets for only 80 pesos. for reservations, please contact 0917-5685939.

Calling All Future Scriptwriters

Film viewing does not only give us momentary switches of emotions, but also allows us to explore our creativity, to engage in a fictional world and interact with characters who somehow serve as shadows of ourselves. Oftentimes, we find ourselves imagining our favorite characters in different situations; all the what-ifs and whatnots trail our creative minds. Sometimes we even wonder… what if we give life to the one character we have always been thinking about? Or play God and create new worlds? Or better yet, write a script that a filmmaker may actual translate on screen?

UPFI invites you to Basic Scriptwriting: Visualizing from Scratch, a workshop intended for the absolute beginner, who has no background whatsoever in film, writing, or media, but who wants to discover the possibilities of scriptwriting. It introduces participants to the "real basics" of writing for film, from the "translation" of written-abstract concepts into visual-moving images (and vice versa – translation of perceived cinematic images into the written word), to a hands-on discovery of the essential concepts and components of a script that works.

The workshop facilitator, Libay Linsangan Cantor, is a faculty member of the UP Film Institute, teaching courses like Scriptwriting and Language and Grammar of Film. An experienced TV scriptwriter of children's educational shows, she has garnered local & international awards for her full-length screenplay, photography, and video productions, and has received a Palanca-award for her literary work. She also directs for TV.

BASIC SCRIPTWRITING
Dates: October 13, 20, 27; November 3, 10 (Saturdays)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

For inquiries, call 926-6340/920-6863, look for Avie Felix or Mr. Patrick Campos.
You may also send SMS to 09175685939 (AF) or email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph

Maraming ka bang comments at insights sa mga napapanood mong pelikula?

Bakit hindi mo isulat?

Ahhh... takot ka baka ma-chaka ka ng iba? Baka sabihin kasi nila wala kang alam noh?

No prob dude. Pwede mong malaman lahat ng teknikalidad at mga ismo-ismo.

Sige go, scroll down...
_____________________________________________________

WRITING ABOUT FILMS

We watch films whenever we can, for whatever possible reason – for relaxing after exams, as itinerary for barkada gimmicks or romantic dates, for academic requirements, for experiencing aesthetic pleasures, or merely for killing time. But how much of a given film do we really see when we watch? And how do we really know which specific parts of the film moved us to tears, or to anger, or to fall in love? In any given film experience, is there more than meets the eye? Are there other things at work in our experiences apart from the obvious?

Writing About Film is a workshop that seeks to introduce participants to the aesthetics of film and to prepare them to analytically interact with any given film. Its aim is to survey the fundamental formal aspects of film, which constitute it as an art form. Furthermore, it seeks to introduce participants to the basic narrative, technical, and stylistic qualities and conventions of cinema, all considered within specific historical, cultural, and sociopolitical contexts.

The workshop facilitator, Patrick F. Campos, is a film/literary scholar, and a faculty member of the UP Film Institute, teaching courses such as Philippine Cinema, Language and Grammar of Film, Film Genres, and Film Theory and Criticism. He is currently the director of UPFI’s multimedia workshops. He is also an award-winning independent filmmaker, a freelance writer, and a musical scorer.

Writing About Film is part of the UPFI Extension program's thrust of developing film literacy among Filipino audiences and of invigorating Philippine film cultures. The workshop is open to all participants, who are pursuing careers in film and its allied media, who desire to eventually go into film studies, or who simply want to enrich their movie-watching experiences.

The UP Film Institute is the country's first and only degree-granting film school, and it is the home of the first and longest-running production workshop series in the Philippines. The UPFI is a member of the International Association Schools of Film & Television (CILECT).

Dates: October 8-12
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

For inquiries, email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph or send SMS to 09175685939. You may also call 926-2722, look for Avie Felix or Patrick Campos.

Marami ka bang comments at insights sa mga pinapanood mong pelikula?

Bakit hindi mo isulat?

Ahhh... takot ka baka ma-chaka ka ng iba? Baka sabihin kasi nila wala kang alam noh?

No prob dude. Pwede mong malaman lahat ng teknikalidad.

Sige go, scroll down...
_____________________________________________________

WRITING ABOUT FILMS

We watch films whenever we can, for whatever possible reason – for relaxing after exams, as itinerary for barkada gimmicks or romantic dates, for academic requirements, for experiencing aesthetic pleasures, or merely for killing time. But how much of a given film do we really see when we watch? And how do we really know which specific parts of the film moved us to tears, or to anger, or to fall in love? In any given film experience, is there more than meets the eye? Are there other things at work in our experiences apart from the obvious?

Writing About Film is a workshop that seeks to introduce participants to the aesthetics of film and to prepare them to analytically interact with any given film. Its aim is to survey the fundamental formal aspects of film, which constitute it as an art form. Furthermore, it seeks to introduce participants to the basic narrative, technical, and stylistic qualities and conventions of cinema, all considered within specific historical, cultural, and sociopolitical contexts.

The workshop facilitator, Patrick F. Campos, is a film/literary scholar, and a faculty member of the UP Film Institute, teaching courses such as Philippine Cinema, Language and Grammar of Film, Film Genres, and Film Theory and Criticism. He is currently the director of UPFI’s multimedia workshops. He is also an award-winning independent filmmaker, a freelance writer, and a musical scorer.

Writing About Film is part of the UPFI Extension program's thrust of developing film literacy among Filipino audiences and of invigorating Philippine film cultures. The workshop is open to all participants, who are pursuing careers in film and its allied media, who desire to eventually go into film studies, or who simply want to enrich their movie-watching experiences.

The UP Film Institute is the country's first and only degree-granting film school, and it is the home of the first and longest-running production workshop series in the Philippines. The UPFI is a member of the International Association Schools of Film & Television (CILECT).



For inquiries, email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph or send SMS to 09175685939. You may also call 926-2722, look for Avie Felix or Patrick Campos.

UPFI 2007 Sembreak Multimedia Workshops

Learn from the most prolific and respectable scholars, artists and film-makers.

Discover what it takes to be one of the best in the field of film-making.

Have an edge.

The UP Film Institute invites everyone to its 2007 Sembreak Multimedia Workshops.

1. WRITING ABOUT FILMS
Facilitator: Patrick Campos
Dates: October 8-12
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

2. BASIC SCRIPTWRITING
Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: October 8, 10, 12, 15, 17, & 19 (MWF)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

3. INTERMEDIATE SCRIPTWRITING
Facilitator: Libay Linsangan Cantor
Dates: TBA (Saturdays)
Time: 1:00 - 5:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Cine Adarna Conference Room
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

4. SOUND AND MUSIC DESIGN: Indigenous Filipino Music and World Chants
Facilitator: Carol Bello
Dates: October 15-19 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Post-Facility (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 8,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

5. CINEMATOGRAPHY (Celluloid with Digital, leading to a 16mm Output) /in cooperation with KODAK

Facilitator: Nap Jamir
Dates: October 22-26 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 15,000 inclusive of 16mm film stock & processing, use of equipment, light snacks, and certificates.

6. BLACK & WHITE PHOTOGRAPHY
Facilitator: Vivian Limpin
Dates: October 22-26 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UP CMC A-107A
Fee: P 7,500, inclusive of B&W stocks, materials for developing & printing, light snacks, and certificates.

Requirement: 35mm still camera

7. NON-LINEAR EDITING
Facilitator: Ramon Bautista (with UPFI Trainers)
Dates: November 5-7 (Monday to Wednesday)
Time: 10:00 a.m. - 6:00 p.m.
Venue: UPFI Post-Facility (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 6,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

8. DOCUMENTARY PRODUCTION

Facilitator: Milo Paz
Dates: November 5-9 (Monday to Friday)
Time: 10:00 am - 6:00 pm
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 8,000 inclusive of use of equipment, light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

9. CURATING FILM AND VIDEO EVENTS

Facilitator: Nonoy Lauzon
Dates: December to January (Dates & Time TBA)
Venue: UPFI Videotheque (at the back of Cine Adarna)
Fee: P 5,000 inclusive of light snacks, handouts, and certificates.

(Discounts granted to early enrollees and multiple workshop enrollees.)

For inquiries, call 926-6340/920-6863, look for Avie Felix or Mr. Patrick Campos.
You may also send SMS to 09175685939 (AF) or email upfi_workshops@yahoo.com.ph

Women and Poverty

"...women’s responsibility of child bearing and rearing, household management, and productive activities which give mounting pressures on their time and energy, have significant consequences for human resource development, agricultural productivity, and environmental sustainability. The risk of poverty is therefore greater for women than men. Thus, the sex of household head may be considered as a proxy variable for poverty. If a family is headed by a male, there is a prospect of higher income due to more time devoted to economic activities compared to a female-headed household whose responsibilities cover both economic and domestic functions. And if the risk is greater for women then the vicious cycle of poverty continuous as well as on the reliance and pressure on natural resources. Therefore, the higher the percentage of the community headed by a female, the higher is their pressure index to biodiversity."

I have angsts, too many angsts about domesticity and economic responsibilities. But, of course in performing both male and female duties (no matter how much i want to debunk these dualities, I'm just domestic superhero and nothing more), i don't have time to dwell on the angsts even if at times i almost drown on them.

If you're utterly domesticated and obliged to earn, then you read these kinds of scholarly stuff, what are you to feel?

Catch Pinikpikan this Friday at 2nd Friday Film Bar!

Pinikpikan, the country’s highly acclaimed world-fusion band, will grace the Friday Film Bar (FFB) this coming Friday, August 17, 2007 at 6:30 in the evening. Pinikpikan’s music is an explorative mixture of rhythms, instruments and melodies from north to south of the Philippine archipelago fused with Latin American, African and Arab influences. The band’s performance will be witnessed alongside a screening of the 2006 film “In Da Red Korner”, by Dado Lumibao and Bong Ramos. The film’s musical score showcases Pinikpikan’s music.

Pinikpikan supports the FFB project of the University of the Philippines Film Institute (UPFI) as it sees the innovative vision of the event series to be an avenue for better and substantial experience in film viewing through incorporating musical performances and other art forms.

FFB, supported by the New Zealand Embassy and Cordillera Coffee, is held every Friday at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery of UPFI (formerly UP Film Center). The FBB theme in August 17 is Against the Flow which is intended to highlight alternative perspectives in art practice and film creations. Tey Clamor’s award-winning experimental short film “Sakdal Laya” will also be featured.

For ticket inquiries, reservations and information on FFB schedule, feel free to contact fridayfilmbar@gmail.com or mobile nos. 09175685939 / 09164081550, or log on to www.upd.edu.ph/~film_institute. Tickets are available at Php 80 only with free bottomless coffee or tea.

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Pinikpikan, the country’s highly acclaimed world-fusion band, will grace the Friday Film Bar (FFB) this coming Friday, August 17, 2007 at 6:30 in the evening. Pinikpikan’s music is an explorative mixture of rhythms, instruments and melodies from north to south of the Philippine archipelago fused with Latin American, African and Arab influences. The band’s performance will be witnessed alongside a screening of the 2006 film “In Da Red Korner”, by Dado Lumibao and Bong Ramos. The film’s musical score showcases Pinikpikan’s music.

Pinikpikan supports the FFB project of the University of the Philippines Film Institute (UPFI) as it sees the innovative vision of the event series to be an avenue for better and substantial experience in film viewing through incorporating musical performances and other art forms.

FFB, supported by the New Zealand Embassy and Cordillera Coffee, is held every Friday at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery of UPFI (formerly UP Film Center). The FBB theme in August 17 is Against the Flow which is intended to highlight alternative perspectives in art practice and film creations. Tey Clamor’s award-winning experimental short film “Sakdal Laya” will also be featured.

For ticket inquiries, reservations and information on FFB schedule, feel free to contact fridayfilmbar@gmail.com or mobile nos. 09175685939 / 09164081550, or log on to www.upd.edu.ph/~film_institute. Tickets are available at Php 80 only with free bottomless coffee or tea.

Catch Pinikpikan this Friday at 2nd Friday Film Bar!

Catch Pinikpikan this Friday at 2nd Friday Film Bar!

Pinikpikan, the country’s highly acclaimed world-fusion band, will grace the Friday Film Bar (FFB) this coming Friday, August 17, 2007 at 6:30 in the evening. Pinikpikan’s music is an explorative mixture of rhythms, instruments and melodies from north to south of the Philippine archipelago fused with Latin American, African and Arab influences. The band’s performance will be witnessed alongside a screening of the 2006 film “In Da Red Korner”, by Dado Lumibao and Bong Ramos. The film’s musical score showcases Pinikpikan’s music.

Pinikpikan supports the FFB project of the University of the Philippines Film Institute (UPFI) as it sees the innovative vision of the event series to be an avenue for better and substantial experience in film viewing through incorporating musical performances and other art forms.

FFB, supported by the New Zealand Embassy and Cordillera Coffee, is held every Friday at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery of UPFI (formerly UP Film Center). The FBB theme in August 17 is Against the Flow which is intended to highlight alternative perspectives in art practice and film creations. Tey Clamor’s award-winning experimental short film “Sakdal Laya” will also be featured.

For ticket inquiries, reservations and information on FFB schedule, feel free to contact avie33@yahoo.com or mobile nos. 09175685939 / 09194906569, or log on to www.upd.edu.ph/~film_institute. Tickets are available at Php 80 only with free bottomless coffee or tea.

love coffee? love feature films? love short films? love live music performances?

you'll get all that in one night, all for only 80 pesos! show starts at around 6:30pm at the Bernal Gallery side of UPFI Cine Adarna (formerly UP Film Center) in Diliman, Quezon City.

come to the launch of UP Film Institute's first semester event called the FRIDAY FILM BAR (FFB). every friday of this first semester (aug sept til oct 1st week) will have different sets of stimuli for the senses.

...smell the aroma of free endless refill coffee from the coffee bar courtesy of Cordillera Coffee...
...watch the 20-minuter works of outstanding UPFI film students...
...watch classic cinematic works from the best of Philippine cinema...
...listen to groove-inducing and thought-provoking music of veteran contemporary alternative musicians...

...all for 80 pesos!

For inquiries, send email to avie33@yahoo.com or text 09175685939 / 09194906569

----------------------------------------------------
August 10 | 6:30 PM (Launch Night)
------------------------------

----------------------
THEME: Roots and Identity.

Featured Performer: Sammy Asuncion (of world music fusion group Pinikpikan and blues-funk group Spy)

Rock-blues-jazz- reggae-world icon and veteran musician Asuncion shows off a rare moment with the Hegalong (Kuglong), a Filipino indigenous instrument of his hometown of Bukidnon in Mindanao. Budeths Casinto plays the Debakan (Mindanao indigenous drum)

Student short film: "Gabon" (2006)

Directed by Emman dela Cruz, winner of the Best Directing (Short Film) award at the recent 2007 Cinemalaya Independent Film Festival. Set in a rural Muslim environment , Gabon (The Cloud) intends to tackle the purity of a Maranao child's love to her parents as manifested in her desire to fulfill her duties, even after life.

Featured Film: "Badjao" (1957)

Directed by National Artist Lamberto Avellana, a classic of Philippine cinema starring Rosa Rosal and Leroy Salvador in a love story set amidst the sea-dwelling indigenous group based south of the Philippines.

I am Monet!

What famous artist are you?

You're Monet!! Fuzzy and romantic, your art is destined to hang on every college freshman girls' dorm room wall until the end of time.
Take this quiz!

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Concert. Coffee. Cinema -- three in one!

An invite to:
Friday Film Bar (FFB)
Concert. Coffee. Cinema.
Fridays are cozy music and film viewing nights at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, Cine Adarna, UP Film Institute, Diliman. Indulge in live music, free viewing of films by local and foreign filmmakers as well as
selected works by students UP and other schools, and an open jam. Entrance fee of 80.00 pesos gives you a free drink (coffee or iced tea).
============ ==

FFB series is on Fridays of August 10 to October 5 at the Ishmael Bernal Gallery, UP
Film Institute, Cine Adarna, UP Campus, Diliman, Quezon City.

All shows start at 630 p.m. Entrance of 80 pesos gives you a free drink
(coffee or iced tea). There will be free film viewings and an open jam.

August 10 | 6:30 PM
(Launch Night)
THEME: Roots and Identity.
Featured Film: Badjao (1957)Directed by National ArtistLamberto Avellana. Starring Rosa Rosal, Leroy Salvador. Performer: Sammy Asuncion.
Rock-blues-jazz- reggae-world icon Asuncion shows off a rare moment
with the Hegalong (Kuglong), a Filipino indigenous instrument of his
hometown of Bukidnon in Mindanao .

August 17 | 6:30 PM
THEME: Against the Flow
Featured Film: In the Red Korner (2006) A film by Dado C. Lumibao and Bong Ramos. The film is about Doring, a 24-year old girl who is engaged in a sport that is not common to Filipino women—boxing. Featured Performer: Pinikpikan. The
band, whose songs were used for the music score of the featured film,
livens up the Film Bar night with Filipino world music that combines
rhythms, instruments and melodies from north to south of the Philippine
archipelago fused with the music of Latin America, Africa and Arab
nations. Hailed as the ‘uncommercialized’ pioneer of
Filipino brand of world-fusion music in the country, Pinikpikan has its own cult following especially among the artists, art lovers, intellectuals and young professionals.

August 24 | 630pm
THEME: Face to Face with our Dark Side
Featured Film:
Manila By Night (1980). Directed by National Artist Ishmael Bernal.
Manila by Night is considered one of Philippine Cinema's best works.
Recognized locally and abroad, it probes the city's depravity and
exposes its strangeness through a string of characters played by the
most competent actors of its time. Featured Performer: Agaw Agimat. The alternative/ punk band Agaw Agimat had been known for over a decade for their politically- themed anthems that challenge listeners and clamor for change.

August 31 | 630 PM
THEME: Urban Angst and the Search for Hope
Featured Film: Maynila sa Kuko ng Liwanag (1975) Directed by National Artist Lino O. Brocka. Maynila…
is the tragic story of a small-town fisherman who went to the big city
to search for his sweetheart, and in the process, loses his innocence
and humanity. Featured Performer: Heber Bartolome. Heber Bartolome is the voice of the legendary protest folk-rock band Banyuhay. An advocate for change and reform, Heber sang about the truth. But his songs were always
hopeful

September 7 | 630 PM THEME: Buhay Kolehiyo
Featured Film: Batch '81 (1982) Directed by Mike de Leon
Batch
'81 examines the lives of seven neophytes as they strive to enter a
fraternity through a difficult hazing process. The entire experience is
seen through the eyes of Sid Lucero, one of the neophytes. Featured
Performer: Kontra-Gapi. Kontragapi
is ntemporaryong Gamelan Pilipino composed of UP college students. Led
by Professor Edru Abraham, the group has been representing the
University and the country in local and international events,
showcasing music, dances and chants uniquely Filipino and Kontragapi.

September 14 | 630 PM
THEME: Shaman and Babaylan
Featured Film: Perfumed Nightmare (1977) A film by Kidlat Tahimik.
Kidlat Tahimik, is a Filipino filmmaker and shaman who applies his quiet strength and sharp wit to his first feature film, Mababangong Bangungot
(Perfumed Nightmare). The film was the winner of the FIPRESCI Prize,
Interfilm Award, and the OCIC Award at the Forum of New Cinema, 1977
Berlin International Film Festival. Featured Performer: Bayang Barrios. Award-winning folk/world rock singer/composer Bayang Barrios is a favorite among women’s rights advocates as well as students
and young professionals.

September 21| 630 PM
THEME: (Con)fusions and Reconciliations Featured Film: Todo Todo Teros (2006)
by John Torres. This is an experimental film about an artist who wakes
up one night to discover that he is a terrorist. He is sent abroad to
bomb subways. The film was a winner of the Dragons and Tigers Award at the 2006 Vancouver International Film Festival. Featured Performer: Cynthia Alexander is
a multi-awarded independent Filipino singer-songwriter and
multi-instrumentali st. Well known and respected for her versatility
and fusion of music styles, she exemplifies the music of
reconciliations and peace among nations.

September 28 | 630PM
THEME: Experiencial- Experimental Night:Pangalay sa Magpakailanman
Feature Films: ang Magpakailanman (1982) and Anino (2000). Ang Magpakailanman, Raymond
Red’s first short film masterpiece, was cited in the 1986 Urian
Anthology as a film that should not be missed. The film, Anino, was Best Short Film winner at the Festival International du Film 2000. Featured Performer: Ligaya
Fernando Amilbangsa and the Alun-Alun Dance Circle . A
very special night of film and dance fusion with Ligaya Fernando
Amilbangsa, the moving force behind the preservation of the Sulu
archipelago dance, Pangalay. Experience an awe-inspiring, flowing and meditative multi-art performance as Ligaya and her Alun-Alun Dance Circle weaves in and out of Raymond Red’s Ang Magpakailanman.

October 5 |
630 PM
THEME: Buhay Banda, Parang Artista
Featured Film: Tulad ng Dati (2006) by Mike Sandejas.Tulad ng Dati
(Cinemalaya’s Best Picture) follows imaginary exploits of the Filipino
rock band, The Dawn. It revolves around the character of Jett Pangan
who is nearing his forties. Jett, losing his passion for music and
life, entertains thoughts of retiring from the band. Featured
Performer: The Dawn. The Dawn is a Filipino rock band, which gained
popularity during the late 1980s in the Philippines . The band broke up in 1995 but reunited in late 1999.

++++++++++++
Ishmael Bernal Gallery is at the Cine Adarna Theater, UP Film Institute, UP Campus, Diliman, Quezon City .
For inquiries, send email to
fridayfilmbar@ gmail.com
or text 09164081550.

Discovering Me

When hungry, you drink. When drunk, you bake.

When sick, you sleep. When ‘sick’, you curse.

When fat, you stay home. When you stay home, you think of going out.

When broke, you buy shoes. When "broke", you work hard.

When irritated, you blog. When oblivious, you shout.

When in-love, you float. When horny, you watch cartoons.

When awake, you dream. When you dream, you wake up.

When you lose a friend, you eat. When you go out with a friend, you save money.

When you have unpaid bills, you buy three electric fans.

When it’s 6am and you have a 9am, you smoke.

Isang byaheng puno ng realisasyon

Dati-rati ‘pag nakikipagbunuan ako sa bus na byaheng Leveriza-San Mateo, haggardia ever ako. Lagi kong winiwish noon na sana yumaman ako, magkaroon ng sasakyan o kahit man lang perang pang-taxi araw-araw. Noong mga panahong iyon wala akong ibang pinangarap kung hindi magkapera, kumita nang buwanan at masuportahan ang luho at pangangailangan. Akala ko kasi noon kaya kong gawin lahat para lang magkapera.

Nung namalagi na ko sa Makati, araw-araw de-aircon ang transportasyon, malamig ang opisina, ramdam na ramdam ko ang urbanidad. Sa tuwing tinatahak ko yung kahabaan ng Greenbelt, bumubungad sa akin ang mga magagandang damit, magagandang sapatos, mga latest gadgets. Lahat ng tao may aura ng alta sociedad. Kapeng singhalaga ng ulam sa maghapon, dessert na singhalaga ng isang linggong grocery, mga make-up na inaangkat pa sa Paris, mga sapatos na kasing-mahal na ng edukasyon sa UP – lahat yun araw-araw kong ka-hi-hello. May iba akong nabili, pero karamihan nakangitian ko lang.

Isa’t kalahating taon akong nagpaka-feeling at home sa urbanidad. Akala ko kaibigan ko ang mga naglalakihang building at naghuhumiyaw na headlights ng mga naggagaraang sasakyan. Pero sa totoo lang, niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko. Isa’t kalahating taon akong lumutang-lutang sa hindi ma-define na mundong iyon. Lahat ng tao parang mga maliliit na isdang nakikipaglaban sa agos. Napakabilis ng agos, nakakapagpalimot ng mga kinagisnang prinsipyo, ng mga orihinal na pangarap. Nag-role play ako. Akala ko kasi cool naman i-try maging karakter sa pop films. Tipong mala-Sex and the City ang drama. Pero mali. Nakakapagod mag-role play. Nakakaubos ng enerhiya.

Kanina sumakay ako ulit ng bus papuntang Ligaya. Nagulat ako sa naramdaman kong excitement nung natatanaw ko na yung orange na bus. Sa malayo pa lang naaninag ko na na puno na yung bus, pero sumugod pa rin ako. Parang na-miss ko tumayo sa bus. Pagkasakay ko, humarurot na yung bus. May isang manong inalok sa akin yung upuan niya. Kako hindi na hanggang Ligaya lang naman ako. Sobrang bilis nung bus. Sobrang yanig kasi naman 1960s pa yata tinapon dito ng mga hapon yung mga bus na bumabiyahe dun. Nasundot pa ng buhok ko yung mata ko. Pero sa totoo lang… nung mga sandaling iyon, para akong naka-shabu sa sobrang high. High sa sobrang sarap ng pakiramdam.

Binalanse ko ang sarili ko habang nakakapit sa kalawanging tubo. Dikit-dikit kaming mga pasahero. Lahat mukhang pagod na pagod. Lahat mukhang gutom na gutom. Lahat mukhang may mga dinadalang problema. Nakita ko pa sa bandang dulo ng bus si Ate J, yung isang clerk sa AS 101. Naisip ko, ganun pala ang binubuno niya sa araw-araw para lang magtrabaho sa unibersidad at sumweldo ng kakarampot.

Yung ibang mga pasahero may mga dala-dala pang mga bagahe at paninda. Grabe ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ng mga taong iyon para lang kumita. Samantala sa kabilang dako lang na Metro Manila, gumagastos ng daan-daan ang mga isda para sa lang sa isang basong kape.

Napangiti ako. Hindi ko na inalala kung ano ang amoy ko dala ng pinaghalu-halong amoy sa bus. Sa tingin ko, doon sa bus habang nakatayo ako at bigat na bigat sa napakalaki kong bag, mas buo ako.

Isang jeep matapos ang bus ride, bumaba ako at tinunton ang terminal ng tricycle papuntang libis. Sa Eastwood kasi ang punta ko, pero ayokong magtaxi. Kung tutuusin 15 mins. lang nasa Eastwood na ako via cab pero mas ginusto kong abutin ng isang oras sa pagko-commute. Magkikita kami ng mga highschool friends ko sa Starbucks. Tingnan mo nga naman ang irony ng mundo.

Pagkababa sa trike, naglakad na ko papasok ng Eastwood. Andami na palang tao sa district na iyon. Doon ngayon umuusbong ang replica ng Greenbelt. Grabe. Napakarami na pa lang restos, bars at coffee shops doon. May high-end mall pa. Napatigil ako sandali sa baba ng MegaWorld building. Napakunot ang noo ko kasi ayokong masira ang ‘high’ na nararamdaman ko. Pero sa sandaling pag-iisip, napangiti rin ako kasi alam ko na papasukin ko ang clone ng Makati bilang ako at hindi bilang nagbabalatkayong corporate chic. Binagalan ko ang lakad; gusto kong namnamin ang mga sandali. Gusto kong testingin ang sarili ko kung ano ang mararamdaman ko.

Biruin mo nga naman. Ilang sandali lang ang nakaraan kapiling ko ang mga taong pagod na pagod sa bulok na bus tapos ayun na ako strolling sa gitna ng mga nakapormang yuppies. Pormado talaga sila, samantalang ako naka-tsinelas, nakapalda at lumang blouse, bitbit ang napakalaki kong lumang bag. Pero ang sarap ng feeling. Ibang-iba ako sa kanila. Ibang-iba kasi mas ako na ako ako.

Nang nagkita na kami nung isa kong kaibigan, halos hindi ko siya narecognize. Wala pala siyang pinagkaiba sa lahat ng tao sa distritong iyon. May sundot ng pagpupunyagi sa puso ko. Hindi naman sa hinuhusgahan ko siya; nakita ko lang sa kanya ang mga ala-ala ng isang tao’t kalahati kong pagpapanggap. Niyaya niya akong lumipat sa Dencio’s kasi gutom na daw yung mga kakatagpuin naming iba pang mga high school friends.

Nung kompleto na kami – si Trust Banker friend na nauna ko nang kinita, si General Manager of Sikat Motors, si Flight Attendant, at ako, tumakbo ang usapan sa karir at mga pangarap. Syempre mostly pera ang nagging batayan ng karir. Hindi ako masyadong nagkomento tungkol sa karir. Pahaging-haging lang ako na kailangan din ng self-fulfillment.

Nirerespeto ko ang mga kaibigang kong masaya sa pakikipagbuno sa corporate world. Bilib ako sa unlimited nilang enerhiya sa mundong pasusukahin ka ng dugo kung kinakailangan. Pero hangad ko pa rin na sana sa mundo nila ngayon ay maramdaman din nila ang naramdaman ko kanina sa bus: isang feeling ng pagkakuntento na napakahirap maramdaman ng mga isda sa dagat na pinaaalon ng salapi.

Sa gawain ko ngayon, sa araw-araw na pagpapalit-palit ng jeep at pagmemeryenda ng fish balls at quek-quek, pakiramdam ko mas buhay ako.

Nakakapagtakang nasa isang rehiyon lang tayo pero may dalawang napakalalayong mundo. Kung proximity lang ang pag-uusapan, isang kilometro, isang metro, isang dangkal lang ang pagitan ng dalawang magkaibang mundo sa iisang mundo. Nakakapagtaka. Nakakapanghinayang.

Sana lahat ng tao hindi na matali sa pakikipaghabulan sa rumaragasang urbanidad. Sana lahat maging masaya at makatulog nang matiwasay. Dahil ang totoo, lahat ng pakikipagbuno – sa MRT man o sa corporate ladder, walang saysay kung hindi tayo makakahanap ang kapayapaan ng puso at katauhan.

Money Matters

I've been checking out the stock market for three nights in a row. I even asked a friend to prep me and feed me inside info. I'd like to prove that I love art not because numbers hate me. Now I really want to invest on something more concrete and profitable. I noticed that I've been spending too much on books, shoes, hair care and skin care. Last week I spent a fortune on a five-day getaway. This is not looking good. So much for indulgences. From this day on I promise I won't make myself even more poorer. Gosh, how poorer can I get?

So, people, don't be surprised when one of these days I'd be posting fluctuations, IPOs and market forecast.

kodigo

anu'ng oras na di pa kumpleto listahan ko. hanep mas mahirap pa sa finals sa Art Stud 194 (Theory and Criticism) ang gumawa ng listahan ng iboboto. Para kasi tong yung exam sa mga anyong-anyongan --- wala sa choices ang sagot. Isa sa mga bagay na ayaw sana nating gawin pero kailangan. Mabuti nang bumoto kesa naman magago nang walang kalaban-laban. Sa totoo lang, wala naman talaga akong kumpiyansa sa botohan peri gusto kong i-claim ang aking karapatan. Bottom line: kapag nagkadayaan na nga may karapatan akong humiyaw ng 'shet! binaboy niyo ang boto ko!'.

labo. kulay putik na ang pulitika. parang mga beach sa cavite. sayang.

yoko

Ayoko naman talagang malungkot. Ayokong maging dysfunctional. Ayokong
mahirapan. Ayokong maging purita. Ayokong makasakit. Ayokong masaktan.



Ayoko talaga...kaya lang bawal umayaw.

General Cleaning: Paghahanda sa Virtual Mode

Naranasan ko na yung makipagpalitan ng mga nakaw na sulyap. Nakapagtago na rin ako ng tissue, ballpen, pinagtasahan ng lapis, panyo, crumpled paper at kung anu-ano pa. Isangkatutak na mga bagay na kinolekta kasi feeling ko napapalapit ako sa mga taong gusto ko kapag naitatabi ko ang mga bagay na nahawakan, nagamit o nahingahan niya. Kanina lang naglinis ako ng bodega. Nakita ko lahat ng mga alaala.

Sentimental akong tao. Sa totoo lang kaya naging bodega ang dalawang kwarto sa bahay ko, hindi ko kasi kayang magtapon ng alaala. Kahit pa idispatya ko sa buhay ko ang kung sinu-sino, yung memories laging parang feeling ko kelangan kong itabi for future use. Pero kanina naitapon ko lahat. Inisa-isa ko muna. Mga litrato ni ex, mga highschool poems, mga nanlalagkit na lumang journals, picture ni ganito, picture ni ganun, souvenir sa ganito, souvenir sa ganun. Ultimo giftwrap ng unang regalo ng ex ko naitabi ko pa pala. Marami ring souvenir programs ng mga plays na nagustuhan ko, with matching tickets.

Tinapon ko lahat. Pati yung kauna-unahan kong dance shoes at koleksyon ko ng mga ticket ng bus. Syempre unang dahilan ko ayaw ko na ng kalat at nanghihinayang ako sa espasyo. Pero bukod dun, gusto ko na kasi makalimot. Ang labo kasi ng memorya ko. Malilimutin ako sa halos lahat ng bagay. Pero sa mga bagay na masasakit, photographic ito. Isa pa, hindi na kasi uso ang magpacute ngayon, magtago ng dahon, bato, straw, resibo at kung anu-ano pa. Ang pakyutan kasi ngayon virtual na. Naaastigan ako sa ideya na may non-verbal communication sa cyberspace to think na salita ang pangunahing elemento nito. E.g. ang pagtingin sa 'WHo's Viewed Me" with mental tally sheets kung ilang beses ka sinilip ng crush mo. Nakakatuwa at nakakaloka at the same time. May isang babae nagpopost ng kung anikanik na sweetsweetan songs dedicated sa isang lalaki na nagpopost din ng panunuyo songs kay babae. Di nila bineverbalize. Di din alam ng buong cyberworld. Pero nagkakaibigan na sila nang ganun.

Amazed ako sa cyberworld. At higit sa lahat, thankful ako. Natulungan akong hindi maging masyadong attached sa mga bagay. Yung tipong alam ko sa sarili ko na virtual lang ito kaya pwedeng mawala sa isang iglap. Kahit itong multiply account ko pwedeng mawala kasama na yung mga exchange of thoughts natin dito. Ganun din naman dapat sa real world eh. Madalas magtatago ka ng mga abubot para sana 20 or so years from now magkasabay niyong titignan ng kung sino man o kaya ididikit sa slumbook. Parang patunay kasi yun na nagbibigay ka ng sobrang pagpapahalaga sa kung sino man. Iyang ideyang 'yan nagdulot ng alikabok, ipis, lumot at anay sa bahay ko at sa isip ko. Kailangan na talaga ng general cleaning ng espasyo at ng utak, puso at gunita.

May kaibigan ako. Binigyan niya ko ng isang pahina ng brown paper galing sa journal niya. Sabi niya hahanapin niya daw yun sa akin balang araw. Neknek. Baka itapon ko na rin. Anu'ng silbi ng mga bagay-bagay kung hindi naman napapangalagaan ang relasyong nanggagaling sa kalooblooban mo.

Hindi naman ako bitter. Ayoko na lang ng attachments.

mmm...

mmm...

di maipaliwanag na sakit

dun sa isang blog ko dito, kinwento ko yung sakit ko. yung ang symptoms eh di ako mapakali. parehong-pareho dun sa pakiramdam kapag nag-eexam ka tapos ang mga classmates mo isa-isa nang nagtatayuan. ganun. yung parang gusto mo magCR na ewan.

umaatake na naman yung sakit kong 'yun. gusto kong tumalon-talon, umikot-ikot, tumambling-tumbling.

ang mahirap pa nito... di umuubra ang medicol.

Nakakasama ng loob ang multiply

Ang lupit naman ng multiply. Mula 11pm kagabi hanggang ngayon (timecheck: 6:30am), hindi ko nakalikot ang multiply. Bad trip. Mas productive, mas creative at mas emotional pa naman ako from midnight to 6am (promise may oras talaga. otherwise pilit).

Nagmemaintenance work daw kasi ang multiply. Pero bakit ganun? Bakit hindi na lang nung tanghali sila nagmaintenance. Naman oh! Ibig bang sabihin nito eh mas pinapaboran ng multiply ang mga nasa ibang timezone? western schedule pa ang kinoconsider kaya ganun?

Shet naman oh! Pati ba naman sa multiply may hegemony? Ganun?

Owmaygaligas!

Reverie

I thought it was impossible. But here you are sketching the outline of our abstract beginnings, mixing the words and marks to freeze events, to verbalize thoughts.

I never knew hands can be much more graceful than turning on pointe. But your hands make typing appear to be a perfect pas de deux routine. The rhythmic clicks accompany the swift and accurate movements of your fingers. Beneath your stained blue-green blanket, I watch your performance. But you wouldn’t have to know. With my eyes three-quarters closed I take pleasure in memorizing your moves. My God, what else can those hands do?

Shush everyone, every object, every idea, every distraction, every pain, every dream. Let the performer claim his stage. But can a poet be a poet without reading his verses? Can a poet be a poet without sharing his works? If you’d never let me read what you are writing in this ungodly hour, can you still be my poet? When does a poet become a poet? Is it during the conceptual process and negotiation with his MAC or when readers turn the pages of the published works of his creative mind?

Better yet, what is a performance? Does performance always have to be physical? Even in your absence I watch you perform hour after hour. Should the performer be kept aware of his audience? My covet viewings will never be revealed to you. And still, I am a witness.

The proscenium of your work area, your silhouette formed from dim streetlights escaping through the fibers of your ochre canvas curtains, the streaks of highlights from your monitor – damn such scene. Damn the blocking. Curse the stage direction that disturbs my sanity. I’d have cursed you, my remarkable performer, if I’d known you are aware of this enslaving act. But you are not. You perform without you knowing it.

I am getting used to sleepless nights in this marathon of secret performances. Sometimes you would even try to converse with me. Once you even moved closer to pull pillows I used to cover my face with, to check if I was still awake. A couple of times you glanced at me and smiled, seemingly so sure I was still up and seemingly so sure I was observing you.

I thought it was impossible. But it happens. I am stiffened by your performances, my poet. Stiffened, but not out of awe. I wouldn’t dare move for I know at one touch… the wooden furniture, the MAC, the graceful hands, and the outline of my poet with his eyeglasses will all instantly disappear. The stage will be left empty except for dim streetlights escaping from the fibers of my pink floral cotton curtains. At one touch, I know my spectator eyes will be staring at the sturdy wooden side-table with my pink-striped wallpaper as backdrop. Then I will be wrapped in my own pink sheets.

I’ll never let you know I take the best seat in your every performance. I’ll always keep my eyes three-quarters closed. I wouldn’t want it any other way.

No other way than to watch you enchant me, under my own direction.

Para kay Cocoon-who-shall-not-be-named at sa lahat ng butterfly species

How do you deal with anger?

Do you scream? Do you yell at those freaking souls in disguise who are so disillusioned by their own image of themselves? Do you call them mother-fucking bitches? Do you utter curses and wish them to never ever be lucky, to starve to death, or to live their lives in hell?

Do you vent your anger on something else? Do you blame the innocents? Do you blame yourself? Do you make yourself accountable to the disgusting smiles of so-called friends'? Do you actually convince yourself to believe you had a part on all hostililities? That you deserve it?

Do you express your anger in songs, in phrases in jetes and battements? Do you just shut up, contain all the rage and let them burst into a piece of performance? of angsty moves and angsty tunes?

 

How do you deal with anger

                  especially when...

                            you know that...

your grunts...

your tears...

your attempts to match the poker faces...

                                    even...

your prayers...

your hope...

your birthday wishes...

                              

          DON'T MATTER TO THEIR "PIOUS" MINDS AND THEIR TEXTBOOK HEARTS?

 

How do you?

When in fact they don't feel your pain. Even if they do, they'd ignore.

After all...

They are artificial.

                        They are.

 

The hell with titles! wala!

You said you are tired of drama. Understandable. But that means you're tired of me, 'cause I'm all drama.

You said you want to make your life simple. I take it my complications won't fit into that idea.

You said you hate interrupted happiness. That, I don't understand. Maybe we have different definitions of happiness. My happiness is never interrupted. I get to eat, to sing, to cook, to play, to read, to write, to dance, to have a good laugh. Interruptions to those are only momentary.

"It's either you're impossibly oblivious or you're just plain insensitive." I can't believe I heard those from you. I can't believe I'd ever hear those at all.

My silence affected you. But don't you even care to know how it feels to be silent and the reasons behind? I'm pressed to keep things to myself. I can't tell the world how heavy my troubles are. I shouldn't. In fact, nobody should. Nobody is the center of the universe after all. Everyone goes through troubles. I know those things. Who doesn't?

In silence I fight my battles. In silence I find comfort. Sensible people would know that focusing too much on problems and involving everyone in your own misery is one damn act of selfishness. I don't want to be selfish.

I told you there are people who are going through much more, and that we're luckier than most. Sarcastically, you tell me I gave you such a relief? I'm lost... is it really me who's insensitive?

What happiness of yours did my silence interrupt? If it's not my silence, then why am I getting all the hostility? I've had happy moments with you. The good food, good music, small talks, serious conversations, even our trips to the grocery store -- all those made me happy. Does my silence ruin those moments? Really, what happiness are you talking about?

Walang Pamagat

Para na yata ako'ng si Don Quixote... sobra ang paniniwalang may Dulcinea.

Para din ako'ng yung babae sa Lohika Ng Mga Bula Ng Sabon... bumuo ng sarili niyang Sandali.

Tsk tsk. kawawa naman 'tong blog na 'to.

Suntukan na lang! Ano? Ano?

Itetext ko sana ng ganito: "ang kapal mo. mamatay ka na sana" o kaya ng "wag na wag ka na babalik dito" o kaya naman "makakaganti din ako sa'yo" pero di man lang ako nakapag-compose. may load ako. di lang ako makatext kasi parang lalu lang ako magiging talunan.

kung sakaling paulanan ko ng mura, masasaktan kaya gaya nung sakit na majombag ng mga insulto? hanep. hamunin ko kaya one-on-one na lang kami? di naman kalakihan ang katawan niya,di nga nagwoworkout eh medyo may tiyan pa. kung tutuusin mas muscular pa nga ako sa kanya. pero bakit kaya nung huli kaming magpisikalan mas malakas pa rin siya? pero di bale na, atleast mas mahina yung suntok kaysa sa bibig niyang mala-kamao ni Pacman.

saan ba mas kapitapitagang matalo? sa usapan o sa bakbakan? mas may dignity bang matalo sa sapakan o sa murahan? pagbigyan niyo na ko... buti nga kahit papaano may choices.

narealize ko... pangbenteng beses ko na yata narealize to ngayon...

tama si Matute; mahirap pala talaga maging babae sa panahon ngayon. kahit na ang digmaan sa laway na lang nabubuhay.

mapagbirong site

The Authenticity of Friendship, or how give up on it

By this hour I promised to be seriously working on my paper but somehow I feel the necessity to unload what has been bothering me for the last few days. On second thought, I think I’ve been disturbed by my realizations for so long but was too scared to face the facts. Correct me, people, if my insights are rather too pessimistic. But I strongly believe all of us must be practical enough to veer away from our emotions and the ways we have been raised.

 

I grew up surrounded by different lives, people in different shapes, colors and sizes. My mom kept a lot of friends and I was raised to believe every individual, no matter how different from us they may be, deserves the true and never-ending friendships we have to offer.

 

I will not go over detailed accounts of the misfortunes and disappointments I have had with regards to “friends” I have kept and taken care of all these years (and months). But I guess enumerating the lessons I got from painful and shocking experiences can help me and others in handling personal relationships better. I’m sharing all these lessons, partly to myself to let them sink in into my stubborn and sometimes irrational head, and to everyone and anyone who has yet to see examples that they truly happen in real life.

 

1. The triviality of friendship: Lately I have discovered some things that I never thought I would encounter with people I call “friends”. Yes, even best-friendship may be as trivial as acquaintance. Sometimes it’s even better to relate to your neighbor coz a neighbor is a neighbor by the mere essence of the name. You won’t call neighbors the first time you get laid nor when you discovered you mother was a mistress. Reason? You won’t expect neighbors to sympathize. Then who would? Of course besides family the immediate answer is a friend. But mind you, it could be very misleading. Some people might be there for you one time or even all the time then betray you the next.
   
2. The necessity of standards and requirements: Certainly there has to be categories. You can’t label everyone as “friends” just because you spent hours and hours of serious talk, not even when you shared emotions in distress and in happiness, not even when one person has been there for you all these years (or so you thought), not even spending time together has become a daily routine. And in all these confusions, time is never a qualifying factor. Time does not prove truthfulness, nor does it reveal authenticity.
   
3. Being true to everyone does not necessarily mean everyone is true to you. It’s a two-way traffic. I used to believe my being true to people and my generosity to share my thoughts and confusions will pull the strings. But whoa, it’s possible for people to use anything you said against you, just to save their asses (and without even bothering to inform you that they used you as an excuse).
   
4. It’s a big no-no to assume your so-called friends understand you, your motivations, your intentions and your principles, even if they tell you and swore to you they do. Birds of the same feathers flock together --- piece of crap! It is never helpful to assume the people you give importance to are in the same frequency as yours.
   
5. Benefit of the doubt can only bring you trouble. Sometimes we refuse to judge because we think there has to be a very important reason behind every action and we hope that in that reason we will come to understand the people we value. We love to justify. But with further analysis, the benefit of the doubt is selfish. Selfish because it comes from the fright to get hurt. I was always afraid to lose anyone. I was afraid to think bad about the people I care about. And so I give the benefit of the doubt. But the doubt hindered me from making rational conclusions, thus, always stopped me from taking a stand. If you ask what I have become from giving infinite second chances, I’d admit to you that I am one person who failed to discern what is right from wrong. Now I regret giving away benefits of the doubt over and over.

 

I’m partly saying these to myself to wake my self from a winter-wonderland dream. I wish all is just a joke, or that I’ve lost my mind. But reality, statistics, make it clear, too clear that I can’t believe I was so stupid to hold on to my ideals. Honestly, I don’t know where to start now. I refuse to subject everyone I know to a true-friendship test, but it scares me to think that the numbers are being drained. There are a few people left, but it’s so damn hard not to anticipate another pain from a handful of neat friendships especially at a time when even the neatest of them already managed to stab you nonchalantly.

Upgraditis (Its Symptoms, Manifestations, and Treatment Procedures)

This morning I read Butch Dalisay's article in Star. In his discussion of how often he upgrades his techie gadgets, he introduced one very relevant word.

Upgraditis -- the mind-numbing, toe-curling urge to get something newer and snazzier than what you already have, even if what you already have seems to be working perfectly and has served you as faithyfully as St. Bernard in the wintry Alps.

I was really affected by the article. Not that I'm techie; it's the idea that I can relate to. Let me modify the definition a bit. Mine goes like...

Upgraditis -- the mind-numbing, toe-curling, insomiac-turning, pimple-mass producing urge to get something/someone newer and snazzier than what you used to have, especially when what you used to have didn't seem to be working perfectly and had served you rather unfaithfully as Polgas in Pugad Baboy.

Perhaps you now know where this is leading. Friends, I won't even ask you to bear with my mushy musings. I know you know it attacks every once in a while. And the consciousness is a rather positive sign, isn't it?

Butch Dalisay says his upgraditis afflicts him every 18 months for laptops and evry 12 months for cell phones. I really wish my upgraditis attacks just that often. But it doesn't.

Looking back, I guess I've been sick with it since time immemorial. When I first became aware that my family is so much different from the typical, ordinary family, I wanted to upgrade. When my mom started enjoying night-outs and frequent social-drinking engagements, I wanted to upgrade. When I first experienced how it is to be taken for granted and betrayed by a friend back in high school, i wanted to upgrade. When I took the course that I thought was the perfect one for me but turned out to be unenjoyable, I chose to upgrade. When my first boyfriend showed psycho tendencies, I chose to upgrade. When my friends didn't seem to be how they should be by the mere essence of the label, I chose to upgrade. Even in religion, I didn't stop searching for the better option because I wanted to upgrade. When I got pregnant, I decided to get married because I wanted to upgrade. When my so-called husband turned out to be an ultra dense PS addict, I made a decision because I want to upgrade my life.

You see, the upgrading doesn't come only when there's a new mini version of some gadgets or when MAC or Windows come out with a new product. My upgraditis afflicts me every single day of my life at every single point when I notice how messed up I have become since I first became aware that there are upgrades. I saw other families, other lives and other situations that clearly shows life could be better and more wonderful because others enjoy such. Yeah, I guess it's more of the consciousness of the "downgrades". Looking at dad's life, I think he downgraded himself too much, and with mom covering up for him in front of the whole nation, i honestly believe she has downgraded. I myself have downgraded a lot of times; peculiarly at those times when I thought I was upgrading, I actually downgraded.

My current upgraditis reached the level when all i want now is to upgrade everything. Critical condition, i guess. Level 3. I want an upgrade in my career, my lifestyle, my artistic endeavors, motherhood, and romance.

Sometimes I catch myself looking at men like little pieces of gadgets for sale. I check their features, their parts, their capabilities, their look, the material they're made of, their price, the number and kind of people who owned them or something similar, the resolution, the battery life, the accessories that they come with, their applications, etc. etc. I meticulously go over the brochures and catalogues because I want to be sure to get an upgrade.

Well.. besides the uneasy "mind-numbing, toe-curling" urge, I see that at this point in my life upgraditis helps. My upgraditis helps me set better standards in life. For instance, as I decide on which school I shall send Maya to, I check every single detail just to be sure my precious cherub will get better education than I did. For Maya I want to be 100 percent sure I choose an upgrade. Even in the way i relate with my friends now, I am more careful because I want my friends to have an upgraded Avie as a friend, as much as I want to keep better, upgraded friends.

I guess it's more of how you can control upgraditis rather than how to cure it. I feel restless most of the time in that chingytweengie feeling to upgrade my whole life, but then I've learned how to focus my thoughts on what could be immediately attended to in that whole project to upgrade.

Focus. Self-control. Thorough and practical thinking. Rationality. Maturity. Patience. Those are the supplements we need to take to be able to bear the uncurable disease. I feel bad for those people who run for refuge to just anything or anyone when failure haunts. I hope they'd be able to get the hang of upgraditis rather than settling for anything and anyone, be them downgrades. I also hope people won't succumb to the urge at the expense of their future or their sanity, in the end downgrading themselves.

Really, if upgraditis works like how it does in me right now, I'd pray that it's viral just so I can get everyone I know and meet infected by it.