when i write...

Lately I have been feeling funny. It just feels like I haven't been doing the things that i realy wanted to do.The last two days i've absented my self from work. When I came in this morning, i had a thought of a really boring day ahead except for a lunch meeting with a client regarding a resort project in Palawan. It was not the project that excited me, actually. It was the thought of having a free trip to Palawan which could be a chance to enjoy its wonderful beach under the disguise of an ocular inspection. So I go on to my daily news monitoring routine, restless and impatient til the clock turns 1130 and it's finally time to go.I combed my hair, put on a little makeup so meticulously and sprayed my favorite scent. Okay, so I was ready to go when Sharon comes in and says "Michelle will come to see Mrs. Henderson and the investors instead."Okay, the chance to go to Palawan is rather a shallow reason for disappointment. Believe me I know that. The bigger deal here is the thought that everyone plays they're on top of things. When I don't volunteer for doing tasks that I think are not so much important, people think I'm not too eager to work. When I chose to concentrate on the tasks that I can do alone, people think I'm distracted. And so, when I disappeared from work for two days, people thought I wouldn't have enough mind to handle a client meeting because I just don't have enough dedication.I feel like people think I may be unfit for the job. But hey, that's unfair when they don't even know my end. I honestly think it's the other way around. The job is unfit for me.My boss always tells me (as in always, at least twice in a week to be exact) that i am the only person in her company whom she thinks will make it big in the corporate communications world. She says i have the right attitude and that I'm gifted with the necessary faculties. Well, it was flattering. But it doesn't give much pride as compared to the day when Ma'am Luna Sicat-Cleto came up to me to say I had the best concept for a one-act play among all the submissions she got for that semester. I get compliments from my boss every so often but that won't amount to one nod of approval I got from Sir Charlson Ong when I shared my insights re: the short story Rape Fantasies. Of course I won't forget the countless other times when I earned raised brows and frowns from other professors or bitchy classmates who thought they are the best writers in the world when they haven't got one work published, but those drowning moments were all worth the respect I got from my friends through every paper I wrote and every constructive insights I shared. I just feel that even if my superiors think I am perfect for the job I have now, I still wouldn't be able to give my 100 per cent effort for this. And each time my boredom and lack of insterest strike, the people who know nothing better than to bootlick to success always would make it appear like I am not capable. Gosh, atleast I don't refer to a bottle of juice as a fairy of tastes as one of them did too proudly. At least I don't download references straight from the net and then make it appear like I'm the best researcher-writer in the universe.I really want to write. But I'm not happy to write just to say I do. I want to write and make sense. I'd like to be a part of the tradition that I witnessed through the writings of the professors I look up to. I want to write to discover myself and how far my musings could lead me.I know I wouldn't have to explain myself to other people. I don't need to give them copies of my personal works just to prove to them that I mean no nonsense. I don't have to. If people like them do survive in this corporate realm, maybe it's time I consider leaving this 'dog eats dog' world.I used to be the kind who'd write to influence people, to lead others to ask questions and take part in making the world less of a hell than it is now. I'm not saying that corporate reputation management or marketing communications campaign plan is a stupid piece of crap. In fact, I do think big of those people who manage to forget about their principles just to create a juicy PR plan for the clients who think one tree-planting activity is all it takes to be acknowledged as a prime corporate social responsibility advocate. Honestly, I bow to those people who can make art into one festivity object just to make noise for a company and eventually increase the sales. I'll never be as strong as they are. At times when I didn't have a choice but to call my ridiculous efforts to compromise between my job and my principles an example of 'social marketing', it was always with a weight.People think I can't survive the corporate game. I won't be a hypocrite to say I'm happy they think that on me. Of course, it really agitates me. They are just too dumb not to realize that I don't like the job.Of course they can give memos or threat me to be suspended or something for not appearing on time. But they never should tell me I might loose the job and it'd be harder. Damn. They talk as if this is the best job, the best part of life, the essence of having able to finish college. I don't know why and how people get the impression that if one is not in the corporate world then he/she is not successful. Mom always tells me art and writing won't buy me decent food. I agree. But if being able to buy decent food would mean dragging myself to work everyday when i have barely a chance to be a part of the society, to answer to its needs and help make it better, then i think i would just have to be content with fish and rice. In my lola's own words, "magdidildil na lang ako ng asin".There are some who manage to forget about rallies they attended back in UP days or the intellectual "masturbations" it took them to write a short story that imbibes social awareness, and transfrom into office chics. I wonder how they are able to do that, when actually 9 months of being here makes me puke.