Me, myself and Aimee Mann's Say Anything

I'd admit that this past month of finally being a certified single mom is not an event to open bottles of wine for. But neither is it requiring a session of wailing with close friends for comfort or something. In fact, it surprises me that i take the situation neutrally. I'm not in grief yet i'm not up for a celebration.

A week ago I went to see the remains of my friend's dad. That friend and another friend so generously gave me their congratulations when they found out that Erick and I officially called it off and redirect our minds to just strive to be good parents. I appreciated the congratulations; really, I did. But the fact that I did is because those came from my two friends who know what i'm going through. What bothers me is the fact that there are other people who congratulate me just because they think that's what i want them to do. I mean, my marriage came to an end not for selfish reasons. It's not all up to me. And I know I am not the center of the universe. It's pretty simple: If only I have the choice, of course I would have chosen a succesful marriage. But I also wouldn't want to live under the illusion of an imagined okay marriage if the empirical facts tell me it's not.

The separation was not an easy decision. But that doesn't mean I am not happy for doing it. Notice that there are some things, some decisions, some actions in our lives that are really painful but then we are willing to undergo the hurt because we know it's for the better. That's what I'm going through right now. And that's what I want everyone to understand. Instead of thinking I am really in glee for being "free", I wish people will respect my efforts for standing on top of all these. I find it really unfair for others to think that the separation is my ultimate wish. It's not a goal. It's a SOLUTION. A really difficult solution for that matter. The failing marriage is not a dream come true. It's the painful reality that I have to face. That's why when people who actually know nothing about what I have gone through would utter congratulatory notes, I can't help but feel offended. I honestly think I should have to be congratulated for surviving the break up rather than the successful breaking up process.

When I was still struggling through the terrible situation with Erick, the song 'Say Anything' by Aimee Mann made me put some more trust on myself. I think it's one song that will help people understand the women who chose to be happy and be respected by their partners who apparently are coming from a different end. The persona in the song may not be who she says she is, in the same way that her partner might be a little less inconsiderate that he seem to be. It's a matter of position. Two people in a relationship, whether it's a successful one or not, have different accounts of their relationship. But it doesn't mean each of them have to completely bend their thoughts and feelings. They have to recognize the fact that contrasting accounts may mean one serious thing -- difference. The ultimate challenge is to be able to keep your sanity and feel comfortable about your individuality. When the other person is already pushing you through your limits, when you think he or she has gone overboard to actually make you feel stupid and treat you as one by being so sure that you can accept any alibi, it's definitely time to get your feet on the ground and "get it over with".

You see me as a judge though I deny it and hold me like a grudge then justify it
But when you take such pains in searching for something that explains
please take a good look at our remains
'Cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and maybe there's room for compromise but signs that I get say otherwise
say anything 'cause I've heard everything
As hopeless as it seems I wouldn't worry
You'll get your chance to tell your side of the story
while you're raising your right hand, whatever defenses you had planned,
remember that when you take the stand
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and though I'd be happy to believe I'd have to be much more naive
So why do I refuse the truth, when I clearly cannot use the comfort of one more lame excuse
'cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and if you were everything you swear we wouldn't be beyond repair
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and if there has got to be an if get it over with!

I can't tell the world why and how Erick and I got to this point. I also want to preserve whatever image he has in the eyes of many. I still would want to see the father of my child be respected by other people. But then again, that doesn't mean I should go through the same things.