time really runs like a river

I met up with Bimbo, a close close friend back in high school. It's been three years since we last saw each other so we were really excited to meet up even if it would mean catching up with each other's multi-episode life all crammed in an hour, the 12-1 lunch time.

The first few minutes after 30 seconds of "i missed you a lot" and "so happy to see you" exchanges were all awkward. No no no, we never had a thing with each other before. The awkwardness, I guess, was out of the realization that we missed so much of the happenings in each others' lives. Let me clarify my self, within those three years we actually have seen each other but those were on very special occasions like my wedding, his wedding, my daughter's christening, his daughter's christening. We literally just saw each other but never got the chance to talk.

Bimbo is a friend who'd never forget the value of friendship despite separation or lack of time. He's always the first one to greet me a happy bday every year. Even if we live totally separate lives he never forgets my birthday.

"What? You mean you realized you really are into women?", was what he said, to my surprise, when I started on the separation and marriage-falling-apart story which has been really mechanical to tell nowadays.

I laughed so hard. I was not laughing at the very humor of it, actually. I was just so happy with the fact that he really didn't forget what we have shared before. Important backgrounder: we shared one girl before. Oh no, not shared, I was with her first until he stole her from me. Hehe. I've forgiven, really. (oops, he didn't know I hid grudges) Seriously, it felt good to know that he still kept the memories and that he's still that open to me and that he can ask me anything without blinking an eye(sensitive or not).

We went on sharing each other's experiences. Believe me the updating can be so emotional but we managed to go over it casually. We talked about marital problems, the joy of having a child and the infinite expenses that go with it, what we have heard about people we know, how now that we look at ourselves objectively we see two anti-social workaholics -- personalities that we never imagined we would and could be 7-8 years back.

We were just highschoolers joggling school, social life and a bulk of hobbies (billiards, basketball, collectibles, bullying, smoking, drinking, malling, and oh dear, cutting classes). We were just enjoying life and were complicating our boring lives. Now we're busy simplifying our complicated lives.

I showed him some of Maya's photos which I have copies of inside all my bags (talk about being a girlscout mom, haha). He said she looks just like me. "Buti hindi nagmana sa ama", commented the never-changing laitero. Then he showed me Jill's, his daughter. Funny enough, Jill looks exactly like him, only with longer hair!

He laughed his heart out looking at us. He remembered how we used to exchange homeworks, computations in trigo, and even test papers. And now we exchange pictures of our children. I agree with him perfectly. We didn't know we would end up the way we are now barely 8 years after high school. Who would've even thought he, the heartthrob Bimbo, would come to marry one possessive woman and manage to stick with her when he spent most of his adolescent years collecting girlfriends? (I'm proud of you, Bo, for changing and for being so loyal to your wife) And who would've thought that I, the one-of-the-boys ultra independent Avie, would be impregnated before college graduation and now become a "separada"? Who would've thought we would be missing three years of each others' lives when one classmate (by the name of Sheila Romano, I guess) once tagged us with matching flowing tears and raging eyes The Partners in Crime. We still are partners now, but not in any crime. We partner in the belief that through everything that happened to us, we have no reason to be ashamed or feel demeaned or embarrased.

No one ever imagined we would be low profile citizens (I mean, so much away from troubles and popularity grievances). No one, not even me or him. But that's how life gets so exciting, isn't it? We are not stereotypes.

We realized how time flies and that we can never spent that much time together now like we used to because we now have new sets of priorities. He recalled that I was the one who wrote his profile for our high school yearbook and that how his wife never believed it was him who wrote it and that everytime he reminds her it was me who did the wife never believes I was never one of her girls.

It was just an hour of double-time exchanges of stories hurriedly recalled. But it was more than enough to remind me and to assure me that Bimbo is really my friend.

We can't be cheesy, we refuse to. But I know he knew what my smiles and cursing meant. It was my way of saying 'thank you'. And I also know he knew that I know the very gesture of having lunch with me is a huge show of support now that I am facing much bigger challenges.

Funny how time flies. But like a river, there's nothing we could do to keep the water from flowing. I felt too humiliated to even think of telling him but, really, I love Bimbo and I love him even more for the fact that time never cuts through the real friendship we have built 8 years ago as the naughty highschoolers who thought life can be too easy.

If only I could be rich by this, I'd savor every minute

Remember how it feels as a kid waiting for your delayed carpool 5 minutes before your favorite cartoon show airs. Or waiting for your turn to deliver an impromptu speech that’ll either mark your abilities or prove your detractors right in an inter-level speech competition.

 

Here are two different situations that elicit very similar emotions. On both points you’ve been drowned for several minutes in impatience, excitement, desperation, optimism and pessimism in one, nervousness, and hopefulness. It was a freaking mixture of worries and dreams, of anticipations and fears of what had yet to come, of wishful thinking and sighs of defeat.

 

Remember the feeling, the unexplainable 5 or so minutes. More so, imagine feeling the conundrum, misorder and disorder of emotions now, at this point in time and for the rest of your life. Not for only 5 minutes, not even for an hour alone.

 

It’s possible. And when it happens, you can be lost in thought, unable to focus and almost miserable, but it’ll amaze you that you can survive days and days when you thought 5 minutes was already a torture.

 

Sometimes it happens for a season. But sometimes for months, even years.

 

I feel that mystery connivance of extreme emotions almost all the time. I feel it when I eat, when I put on my sleepwear, when I wait for the cab, when I cook dinner, when I wash my clothes, when I sing, when I read the paper, when I speak, and even as I write this entry.

 

We call it the “sickness”. But on second thought, illness can be cured by medicine, by herbs, by therapies. But this so-called sickness inflicts itself and cures itself in so many different ways and unpredictable conditions.

 

We can get used to it but still I wonder, was this terrible mix of emotions made to be felt 24/7? Didn’t it have 30-40 minutes maximum span? Because if it did, I think I’d qualify for a Guinness.

Britney, is it true that loneliness kills you?

Britney, baby, you definitely made a mark, however and whichever way i deny it. Now read on just so you know how your lyrics come in handy.

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I admit I'm one those people who look at love and happiness as the very reasons for existence. Totally embarrassing to admit but really I was one with the gang before Maya came into my life. And I hate my self for that. They say it's normal to be in a relationship for comfort, but i don't want to accept that as fact. I guess I've gone a long way now, but then there comes a season when I'd feel the longing again.

If this would cause you to vomit, my apologies. But i really have to say that loneliness strikes, so fucking insanely strikes especially during this time of the year when you realize you spent the holidays without anything nice and sweet to remember. Add to that the fact that the cursed day of sweety sweeties is only a few weeks ahead.

I'm not hating romance, alright. I'm hating the fact that its absence every now and then causes temporary insanity. Temporary insanity affects how I think, how I act, how I eat, and even how I polish my nails! Shetshetshetshetshet. Was it the latest book i read or the movie Step Up that sparked all this insanity up? Yeah, i guess it's the movie. I really miss dancing -- the fun of it, the freedom to move, the challenge (physically, mentally, spiritually) and with that I also miss having someone who'd really share the same interests and who'd support me for what I love doing.

It's been three years since I last danced. Funny enough, it's also been three years since I put myself into trouble with Erick. Yeah, talk about stupidity and nonsense sacrifices. But at least I have Maya. Bitterness aside, I feel that I've been too much out of focus. Or I just might be focusing on the wrong thing. I love art and the complications and empty pocket that goes with it. Maybe the lack of contentment career-wise aggravates the effect of lack of some sort of a special someone. Eeeeeewwwww. Isisi ba naman.

Wait, di ko na kaya kakornihan ko. What I really intend to point out is that loneliness really haunts. But it's still up to us if we'd allow ourselves to fall into the trap. It's our decision whether or not we'll put ourselves into situations just because we feel lonely. It's really tempting to just respond to whatever and whoever shows interest and promises a happy and peaceful love life. But the fact is, romance is not the most significant part of our lives.

I know I've gone a long way. I'm not anymore the Av who didn't give enough space and time "alone" to her self. Sometimes I amaze even myself with the fact that I can now resist an urge without blinking an eye. This morning I felt really really lonely and even run episodes from my memory of how wonderful it was to have someone to share experiences with. But now, a couple of hours after that I'm back to a more sensible me.

Whenever the "sickness" strikes, I always run to God and ask Him to please touch my heart and let me find content and happiness in Him.

I have Maya. I have the Lord. I don't think I'm incomplete without a "someone".

But it certainly wouldn't make a crowd, right? Hehe.

We had an early meeting this morning with a partner. The agenda was a hotel development project in Palawan. I've already accepted the fact that the nicer islands in the Philippines are about to become tourist spots for foreigners to enjoy and I've thrown my principles out the window at that. I 've already, slowly, given up to the very fact culture and heritage get really touristic nowadays. And I thought that was the end of the compromise. But surprise... just felt my lifetime principles dying in the wind.
The partners decided to join a project sponsored by EU which funds deserving Asian projects related to tourism and commerce. They were all set to submit the requirements by March, only to find out that the sponsoring entity only entertains non-profit organizations. Struck by the need, now off they form an NGO on tourism and commerce. One partner immediately threw calls to friends to announce a call for membership for the NGO that will serve "as a vehicle for the profitable investment project". Everyone expressed commitment. What they didn't know was I was there, taking notes of everything, every idea they lay down. The conference room, the executive chairs, the long glass table, the paintings, the laptop computers, the coffee cups and the innocent sheets of paper are all witnesses to greatest concealment of the year, all witnesses to the connivance of corporate people hiding their way through. I was there. I was also a witness. But I'm not a chair, nor a table, nor a painting, nor a pen. What they didn't know was I have a heart, a thinking mind, and sheer commitment to culture and social sincerity. What they didn't know was, I am not as naive to be able to be guiled by wonderful rhetorics.

I miss art. I miss culture. I miss being a filipino in full and not being caught in between it and the need to earn enough centavos to survive.

Christmas Blues

Christmas is coming!
The exclamation is not of excitement. It's an "oh, no". I've never been a fan of Christmas especially because my childhood christmases are unforgettably must-forgets. Now that I'm an adult, Christmas screams of shocking expenses and the endless outward flow of the year's savings. Last year, I was left pissed and super poor after almost infinite visits of relatives, distant relatives, distant distant relatives, relatives of distant distant relatives and (brace your selves) ... distant distant relatives of the neighbors of distant distant relatives. I can't believe those people who dared knock on my door even if they didn't even know my name. And damn! Why do all of them expect me to give them money? And if I don't give I receive a frown. Come on, I am just a 24-year old struggling employee! I also eat. I also pay bills. I also have a kid to feed and educate! Why can't they realize that!?
Forgive me for being bitter. I know I sound evil. But it's the truth. The real essence of Christmas is often ruined by the pressure to spend especially when the economy is so down, the actual merry-christmas-can-you-give-me-the-money-now looks of kids and feeling-kids, and the torturing pressure to keep smiling in the middle of all these. Even the kids nowadays do not understand what Christmas is all about anymore. I don't hate the Christmas; i hate how people are during Christmas. I am not comfortable with the fact that money drives a celebration that is supposed to be in the memory of Christ.
The last two Christmases, now that I already have Maya, were even more difficult to handle. I was caught between avoiding the matters that make the holiday a season for me to force a smile and creating a pleasant early childhood Christmas memory for my daughter. I honestly think I haven't instilled on her the real value of Christmas. It's hard because I know a huge part of her perspective comes from her observations of others, of her cousins, of her lola, of her aunt and uncle, of neighboors, of friends -- which all scream of a day of money-making and trade of ribboned boxes.
For this year, I realized I have to face another pressure-filled Christmas. It's like facing some kind of trauma. But I have no choice. I have to give it another shot for my little daughter; for her to feel the true meaning of Christmas which is being thankful for being given the gift of salvation advented by the birth of Jesus, and life's purpose to bring happiness to others -- a happiness that does not concern money alone. I still don't know how I'd be able to do that. But I will. I don't want my daughter to be blinded by false Christmas ideas.

Me, myself and Aimee Mann's Say Anything

I'd admit that this past month of finally being a certified single mom is not an event to open bottles of wine for. But neither is it requiring a session of wailing with close friends for comfort or something. In fact, it surprises me that i take the situation neutrally. I'm not in grief yet i'm not up for a celebration.

A week ago I went to see the remains of my friend's dad. That friend and another friend so generously gave me their congratulations when they found out that Erick and I officially called it off and redirect our minds to just strive to be good parents. I appreciated the congratulations; really, I did. But the fact that I did is because those came from my two friends who know what i'm going through. What bothers me is the fact that there are other people who congratulate me just because they think that's what i want them to do. I mean, my marriage came to an end not for selfish reasons. It's not all up to me. And I know I am not the center of the universe. It's pretty simple: If only I have the choice, of course I would have chosen a succesful marriage. But I also wouldn't want to live under the illusion of an imagined okay marriage if the empirical facts tell me it's not.

The separation was not an easy decision. But that doesn't mean I am not happy for doing it. Notice that there are some things, some decisions, some actions in our lives that are really painful but then we are willing to undergo the hurt because we know it's for the better. That's what I'm going through right now. And that's what I want everyone to understand. Instead of thinking I am really in glee for being "free", I wish people will respect my efforts for standing on top of all these. I find it really unfair for others to think that the separation is my ultimate wish. It's not a goal. It's a SOLUTION. A really difficult solution for that matter. The failing marriage is not a dream come true. It's the painful reality that I have to face. That's why when people who actually know nothing about what I have gone through would utter congratulatory notes, I can't help but feel offended. I honestly think I should have to be congratulated for surviving the break up rather than the successful breaking up process.

When I was still struggling through the terrible situation with Erick, the song 'Say Anything' by Aimee Mann made me put some more trust on myself. I think it's one song that will help people understand the women who chose to be happy and be respected by their partners who apparently are coming from a different end. The persona in the song may not be who she says she is, in the same way that her partner might be a little less inconsiderate that he seem to be. It's a matter of position. Two people in a relationship, whether it's a successful one or not, have different accounts of their relationship. But it doesn't mean each of them have to completely bend their thoughts and feelings. They have to recognize the fact that contrasting accounts may mean one serious thing -- difference. The ultimate challenge is to be able to keep your sanity and feel comfortable about your individuality. When the other person is already pushing you through your limits, when you think he or she has gone overboard to actually make you feel stupid and treat you as one by being so sure that you can accept any alibi, it's definitely time to get your feet on the ground and "get it over with".

You see me as a judge though I deny it and hold me like a grudge then justify it
But when you take such pains in searching for something that explains
please take a good look at our remains
'Cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and maybe there's room for compromise but signs that I get say otherwise
say anything 'cause I've heard everything
As hopeless as it seems I wouldn't worry
You'll get your chance to tell your side of the story
while you're raising your right hand, whatever defenses you had planned,
remember that when you take the stand
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and though I'd be happy to believe I'd have to be much more naive
So why do I refuse the truth, when I clearly cannot use the comfort of one more lame excuse
'cause if you were everything you say things would be different today
and if you were everything you swear we wouldn't be beyond repair
If you were everything you say things would be different today
and if there has got to be an if get it over with!

I can't tell the world why and how Erick and I got to this point. I also want to preserve whatever image he has in the eyes of many. I still would want to see the father of my child be respected by other people. But then again, that doesn't mean I should go through the same things.

aimee mann mv - Say Anything

"if Erick was evrything he says, things will be different today; and though I'd be happy to believe, I've got to be much more naive."